- 8 years ago
- Wedding: January 2011
I’m kind of freaking out, and I’m not comfortable talking about this with anyone IRL except my fiance. I need to vent.
Due to some horrific combination of nerves and just sheer bad luck…. I am constipated for the first time in my entire life. REALLY constipated. As in: (sorry this is Too Much Information, but I need to express the severity of the situation) I have not had a #2 for 11 days, since I was getting ready to go out on NYE.
You don’t realize how awesome something is until its taken away from you!
I’ve never had even the slightest problem with this before, so it didn’t cross my mind until around day 6 when I started to feel very uncomfortable.
Since day 6, I did EVERYTHING I could think of before seeing the doctor. Vitamins, over the counter laxatives and suppositories, yoga positions especially for help with constipation, extra exercise, swallowed tablespoons of oil, extra water, plums, apple juice, an entire package of prunes, probiotic yogurt, black coffee, massaging my abdomen in the direction of my intestines, warm baths, jumping up and down, and things that I never thought I would do in my life, all in the hopes of a #2.
The situation has gotten so severe that my non-health-insurance-having self not only went to the doctor but had to get an abdominal x-ray to make sure there’s nothing blocking my intestines. This morning a doctor was able to look at the x-ray and prescribe me a stronger laxative to help, now that they know my intestines aren’t knotted up or something.
I got the prescription filled this afternoon, did some errands, came home and had dinner, then looked at the label… and it 1) says it causes “uncontrollable, pungent flatulence”, 2) says it takes 24-48 hours to work. Since time is of the essence, and this is the strongest stuff available to me, I took it immediately.
I need it to work closer to 24 hours than 48, because in 48 hours from the time I took the prescription laxative, I’ll be at my bridal shower (YAY), thrown by my future in-laws. If I spend my bridal shower being uncontrollably pungent or in the bathroom being ill, I will never recover from the embarassment.
Most importantly, I just need the damn thing to work, because at my last dress fitting three weeks ago, my waist was 9 inches smaller than my bust. Currently, my abdomen is so swollen that I look like I’m in the final months of pregnancy. I’m at my fiance’s and don’t have a tape measure here, but I used a piece of string yesterday to discover that my waist seems to be TWO INCHES smaller than my bust. There is no hope of getting my wedding dress zipped up unless this gets fixed.
Here’s the game plan, please offer suggestions:
tonight: I took 40ml of ratio-lactulose as prescribed around 6pm. I sent fiance out with his friends because I’m a solitary creature and most relaxed when alone. To relax myself further, I am beginning to drink.
tomorrow: if nothing by noon tomorrow, take dulcolax suppository and laxative (both prescription strength). Take next dose of ratio-lactulose, because being indisposed at my own bridal shower is better than being indisposed at the rehearsal dinner fiance and I are throwing Friday night in our (well, his) one bedroom apartment, which in turn is better than not getting to wear my wedding dress because my waist is SEVEN INCHES too large for it atm.
If I haven’t pooped by Wednesday evening, I’m going to willfully fall off the wagon and smoke a cigarette in a last, desparate attempt.
thursday: I will cry.