(Closed) To all ladies that are ok with SO and porn/strip clubs…please help me…

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Here’s my 2 cents on this situation. I will admit–I didn’t read everyones posts so I apologize if I repeat any other posts.

Personally..I have no issue with my Boyfriend or Best Friend going to strip clubs.  I’ve even given my Boyfriend or Best Friend a $20 when he goes out with the guys for a lap dance.

I’ve had this discussion with my Boyfriend or Best Friend in the past, the 2 of us (and this is just our mutual agreement on this situation and does not mean to offend anyone) agree that if a man is going to a stripclub and cheats on you with a stripper/dance/whatever the PC term is these days…he was going to cheat on your no matter what.  There woud’ve been another way for him to do it.  There was something else going on in the relationship to make him stray. 

I whole-heartly love my Boyfriend or Best Friend, he does the same to me. I trust him and our relationship that he would not cheat.  I think its sexy when other girls oogle my Boyfriend or Best Friend when we go out because at the end of the night…they see him walk out with me 🙂  I’ve had girls try to pick-up my Boyfriend or Best Friend right in front of me.  I don’t get mad at him or her–I just laugh about it bc I am secure enough.  Again…I think its funny that after a few minutes of him talking to this girl, he kindly explains that hes with me. 

Post # 33
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I know I”m not in the group you addressed, but I just wanted to say: it’s okay to NOT be okay with it! I know some people are and have their reasons, but don’t feel pressured to accept it just because other women do. I would be upset about it and see it as an issue because it’s a moral thing for me. So if you really feel that way, I’d address those feelings with your SO rather than trying to push them away.

Post # 34
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m in the camp in which I’m okay with either as long as they do not interfere with a healthy lifestyle and a healthy marriage.

Please keep in mind that you want to do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. It’s fine to have rules about porn and strip clubs as long as both of u and ur Fiance arrive at a happy compromise. Many couples do and they live happily. It’s problematic when one is not happy with the compromise. And it’s good that you guys are talking it through.

It’s even more problematic when you intrude upon his conversation with any female and also rain judgement on him as long as any talk of fantasy and past history or just random comments on the looks of other females. I think that’s quite unhealthy and it’s good that your recognize that and are working on it. Kudos.

Think about how annoying it would be if ur Fiance interrupts any conversation you have with any male or frantically checks your phone after you talked to any male, berates you for commenting how hot Brad Pitt is, nags you after you come home from a social event. Right, you don’t want to do the same to him. Be confident and happy!

Post # 35
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Personally, if he did things like that a lot, I wouldn’t be with him because I’d always feel inadequate, but if he does it every once in a while (i did find a porno in his possession once!) it’s no big deal. I mean…even girls get curious…

Post # 36
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

virtual cheating? come on! like you never imagine a hot guy nude! am i right? maybe you have some insecurities to deal with…you have to love yourself!! i hope i’m not overstepping my bounds in saying that, but i feel that you wouldn’t be SO concerned if you felt secure…or maybe you ARE secure, but don’t realize that that means you have nothing to worry about…

good luck finding some common ground with your man, tho. it will be OK!

Post # 40
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I find it difficult to accept that my Fiance looks at porn. I think he would occasionally go to a strip club if the opportunity arose, but he doesn’t really have friends that like to do that right now. The way I handle it is to not obsess over it. When I think about it, it does get me a little upset, uncomfortable. But I know that it is just something that a lot of men do, and again -it isn’t instead of or above me. Still it is hard to think about. I told him once that it would make me uncomfortable for him to go to a strip club, and I think he was surprised – because we honestly just don’t talk about it, and I just don’t obsess about it. But now that he knows,  I think he will try and be respectful of my feelings. 

That’s the best i can recommend. Be respectful of his feelings: this is what many guys do, they think it is natural and do not want to be told that their urges are unnatural, so bugging and nagging all the time may make them uncomfortable. Just explain your position and ask that he be as respectful of it as he can.

Post # 41
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

There was a very long and heated debate about strip clubs awhile back, and I’m going to refrain from a long discourse about why I’m OK with strip clubs since it’s in the other post.

As for porn, I wasn’t thrilled about it at first, but I got over it because the situations in porn are so unbelievable that it’s sort of comical.  

Then I saw “I Love You Man” and found it really strange that Paul Rudd’s character masterbated to a picture of his fiance.

Post # 42
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

If you’re interested, this blog talks about all sorts of issues related to porn (including stuff from the wife’s side of things). It’s obviously making a point against porn, but it includes some interesting research:

http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/

Post # 43
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t think you have to be oaky with it.  Every couple is different.

Would you be up for expeiencing these things with him rather than him on his own/with friends?

Post # 44
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Question is…do you trust your FI?  And if not, is it because one of your past experiences or because he did something to you that made you not trust him?

My Fiance goes to strip clubs every once in a while and I don’t mind.  I trust him that he won’t make stupid decisions, especially cause he doesn’t drink more than a beer or two.  I think it is just a guy thing to do.  Quite frankly, I think I’d rather have him to go strip clubs because I see club going of more of a place to ‘hook up.’  And lets be honest, if a guy is going out with the guys, they are not really gonna go have dinner or go to movies, like a girl might.

Another reason why I think I am okay with it is because my dad used to go to strip clubs when I still lived at home and my mom didn’t seem to mind either.  I guess that is why I grew up with the mindset that it is what guys do when they go out.

I would say, that as long as it is in moderation, it is not an issue.  I think it is good that you are going to counseling to try and figure out why it bothers you so much.  If he wants to go and you don’t want to go, the compromise is easy…meet halfway.

Post # 45
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I thought I’d be fine with my husband going to a strip club for his bachelor party, and I totally was, until I heard all the details.  I think I just didn’t need to know that there was a shower room in the back for patrons to shower paint off of the naked stripper’s bodies…ummm…not a good visual!  My husband actually didn’t participate, but still, just something I didn’t need to know!  It was “ok” with me for him to go to a strip club during his bachelor party, but he is not a person who ever goes to strip clubs, and if he were, that would be an issue for me.  I think you are allowed to be OK with whatever you actually feel ok with.  Sorry you’re having trouble with all of this, I hope you get to a place where you are both truly comfortable.  

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