(Closed) To All of The Young Gals with Young Guys :)

posted 8 years ago in 20 Something
  • poll: Think About This!

    Move in with In-Laws if it's only for a short time.

    I had a similar situation, and it worked out!

    You can do it if you are both willinging

    I'm Not sure

    Wait until you can get your own place.

  • Post # 107
    Member
    1471 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I’ve been reading this thread and have been tempted to comment for the last couple of days.

    You write like you are seventeen, and most of your attitudes seem similar to mine when I was seventeen (I was a VERY conservative Christian). That’s ok. You are seventeen, it’s fine to be seventeen, but please realize that most seventeen and eighteen year olds are not ready for marriage, and most also believe they are the exception. It sounds like you could be in the courtship/biblical patriarchy movement, which does push early marriage, but still, a 21 year old is usually much more mature than a teenager.

    The haughtiness that you have displayed toward people far older and wiser than you, when they don’t say exactly what you want them to further confirms this. (“my dear”/ stop reading when someone says they drank and then going on to explain why you are so much stronger than that etc). This doesn’t make you bad, it makes you a normal seventeen year old. I thought I had way more sussed out when I was seventeen as well.

    You cannot separate initial financial independence from maturity. Yes, there may be situations where adults move back in with their parents (an example that has happened with a lot of friends is moving home for a couple of moths to get their bearings after moving overseas for a few years), but that is extremely different to never having been financially independent, which you haven’t. When I was your age, not only did I pay for my own clothes, transportation, entertainment etc, I also worked a part time job and paid for a month long school trip to Thailand. I was the perfect example of a teen who was responsible with money, but it was still SUCH a big learning curve moving out of home. There are always unexpected things. One example for me was that I slipped through my shower door. Not only did that cause injury, it also mean’t I was faced with a bill for almost 2 weeks income. I saved what I could, but when your income is low it limits your savings. Two or three incidents and it becomes a BIG problem.

    Also be aware that international relationships a hard. I’m marrying someone from a different country, and, unless you both have dual citizenship, chances are you will have to sort visas at some point. As someone who has worked in three different countries, and has travelled far too much, I can still attest that long term visas related to marriage are long and difficult, and, as I’m K1, require a significant period of separation from my Fiance, which is REALLY hard. I know you said you wouldn’t go K1, but be aware all visas have their different difficulties.

    I’m not trying to sound mean. Once you hit 18, it’s your life, you make your decisions, but please listen to older people, they know more than you assume. 

    Post # 108
    Member
    50 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @wakyzakki:  I am not going to judge you on your age because there are many couples who got married young and are happily married but I do advice you to atleast be financially ready by atleast having your own place. I have always believed that living with your Mother-In-Law can cause many problems between the both of you and even your marriage not becuase she might be a bad person but because someone will eventually want their way or dislike something the other does. Whatever you do I hope it works out the best for you and your future Smile!!

    Post # 109
    Member
    384 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

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    @walnutgirl:  Seems like it huh. I’m from Scotland and he’s from NC, USA. In theory I could go over to his first on a student visa, but a) we can’t afford it and b) I couldn’t stand studying for another 2 years! If only he were the one graduating and he could work here..

    Detroit is not somewhere you want to be if you’re not used to cities from what I’ve heard. Sounds scary as hell! And that’s coming from a city girl. Not that I’ve actually been there myself. How far are you from your SO? Perhaps you could do long distance for a while and save up? My SO and I have been webcamming for the 2 years we’ve been apart and we’ve handled it fine. Just an idea, not sure how it would fit in your situation.

    Post # 110
    Member
    567 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    If the two of you are not financially ready to live on your own, then you are not ready for marriage. I’m a young bride too, older by almost 3 years, but I’m still saying this with nothing to do with your age. ANY couple who can’t make it on there own shouldn’t get married. 

    Post # 112
    Member
    106 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

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    @wakyzakki:  well thats fine too, just keep in mind theres a lot you don’t really realize until your in the thick of it. Good Luck.

    Post # 113
    Member
    1542 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    View original reply
    @wakyzakki:  

    hi! i got married at 22.

    I’d advice you to wait, i also was more mature for my age when i was 17, i was very responsible, tried to make my parents happy, be a good student, daughter and person in general, i didnt like to party, but i did have 3 boyfriends and i didnt stay a virging though.

    I cant stress you enough on how much can you change over the teenage years, heck, i changed a LOT from 21 to 22!

    Also, may i ask what religion is that you are in? How do you and your boyfriend(?) interact to know each other? how was it that you thought “He’s the one”?

    Post # 114
    Member
    119 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

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    @arsing89:  I completely agree with you.

    I wanted to get married earlier, I would have married my boyfriend when I was 19. However we haven’t been financially independant until this past year.

    It’s not about being “too young,” not knowing what love is, or not loving each other enough. Living on your own and paying your own bills is MUCH harder than I though it would be. I’m really glad we’ve gotten to this point before deciding to get married. 

    I also didn’t make focusing on my career or college something that would keep me from marrying him. In fact I will be graduating college the same month we plan to get married. He will have an additional year of nursing to complete before taking his boards and getting a job. 

    Post # 115
    Member
    71 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    My soon to be husband and I are young (not nearly as young), but we are finishing up our undergraduate. Most society thinks its horrible to get married so young and financially unstable, but its YOUR DECISION. Don’t listen to all of the “party poopers”! I didn’t catch if you were paying for your degrees yourself, but no MATTER WHAT get a job. Neither of your parents should be supporting you in ANY way (other than MAYBE tuition). Getting married is a big decision, and if that means you need a full time job the entire time while studying or that you need to postpone studying for a few years, do it. It would be humiliating for you if you were living in his parent’s house as a married couple. Even if its a tiny studio, get your own place. Eat top ramen if you need to in order to pay for school and rent, but please be independent. If you want them to support you, don’t get married yet. 

    In any sense, it might be largely beneficial to you to start living on your own before you marry him. That might give you some highly dependent personality flaws and no one wants that. 

    get a job, now. 

    make your wedding and marriage special, even if it is inexpensive. 

    Post # 116
    Member
    1344 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    FH and I are young (i’m 20, he’s 23). We moved in together when I was 16. Our situation sounds as though it was different to what yours is, but I do not regret moving in with him at such a young age at all (of course, a lot of posters might argue that it was a mistake, and despite having lived together for nearly a quarter of my life I just don’t know it yet).

    We became financially independent, had a lot more responsibility, which in turn helped me to mature and I experienced a lot of things that most people don’t experience until they’re older. There were some down sides, mainly that I got 4 hours sleep a night (if that) most nights because I was juggling school, homework and housework- I was only in highschool, so it would be MUCH harder for you, especially considering you’ll BOTH be in school- FH had (and still has) a good job, so although I did get a job to support myself or ‘pull my own weight’, I didn’t have to and was never in a bad place financially. If you’ll both be in school, you’ll have to worry about work, managing a household, trying to nuture your relationship and school work, as well as any other responsibilities (or a social life) that you may have. It will be HARD and it sounds like my situation was much easier than yours would be, BUT I found that moving out at such a young age was actually very rewarding.

    My advice would be that if you decide to do this, draw up budgets and triple check them. Leave plenty of funds for emergencies. Discuss who will do what housework. Get a job. Weekend work will be your friend, you get paid more and you won’t miss out on school. Make time for each other, even if you’ve only got 20 spare minutes before bed, cook some frozen meals and tell each other a joke, it’s REALLY tempting just to fall into bed, but 20 minutes will not kill you.

    Moving in with his mother has upsides and downsides. On the upside, there would be less financial responsibility and less housework. On the downside, that’s really what living together is all about. Besides, it would be SUPER awkward to ask his mum to buy you, say, lingerie or condoms. Eck! I personally would not be ok relying on our parents for hand outs, I very much need to be responsible for myself, I think it would wound my pride to have to rely on my parents now that I am (or since I have been living as) an adult. I like being financially independent.

    I would definitely advise you to wait until you’re financially independent before marrying someone, BUT I don’t neccessarily think living together at a young age is horrible. It worked for us, but I also know people my age it hasn’t worked for, so it is a case by case thing, nobody here can say that it will or won’t work out for you.

    Post # 117
    Member
    909 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    if you’ve been invited to live with his family while you go to school and you are friendly with them, then I think that is your best option. I know a lot of people are telling you to wait but that is not what you asked for.  I lived with my Fiance family while I was in grad school for 2 years (he was in grad school somewhere else so he didn’t even live at home haha). It ended up being a great bonding experience and brought me very close to my Future Mother-In-Law.

    Post # 118
    Member
    449 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I am 20 and my Fiance is 22. At the moment we rent a little house from his parents (It’s on their property.) I’ll tell you, it’s tough. First of all, you’ll want time alone, but living with someone’s parents is always awkward. We have our own house, so it’s a little different, but I imagine if you lived in her house it would be amazingly awkward. Also, it’s so tough in the real world. The only reason we lived with them is because they offer rent much cheaper and we don’t pay separately for utilities or internet. My Fiance goes to school full time and works. I have three jobs and go to school at night, just so we can afford our own place and a wedding. If this is really want you want RIGHT NOW, then just be aware. It’s stressful and that can take a toll on a relationship. Fortunately for me, my Fiance is patient and loving and can put up with my mini freak outs. I’m only telling you this because I wish somone had warned me how hard it was to be a grown up earlier. Best of luck to you though! 

    Post # 119
    Member
    449 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @PinkAndPearls2013:  

    I can agree with that too. I use my FMILs washing machine and it gives us a chance to talk and catch up. I feel a lot more comfortable with his family. His brother even treats me like his own sister, making fun and all. 

    Post # 120
    Member
    293 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I got the “you are too young thing” and I still do. I’m 19 and my Fiance is 22. He is finished with school and is a pilot.  I also work full time as a Reservation Agent at a Resort & go to school full time. We by no means are wealthy, but I can’t imagine getting married without a savings, double income, etc. Are you looking to work? I would find a good job & start school, it is possible to do both if you have the dedication. Save your money is my advice:) Good luck!

    Post # 121
    Member
    1123 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I wont say not to get married.

    If you are sure this is what you want and if you are sure that you can do this than I’d say go for it. It may not work as other bees fear, but we all make mistakes (if this ended up being a mistake) (and NOT saying this is a mistake, just if it ends up that way)

    Despite what many believe, I believe your faith is number one. Your belief and not to go against what you believe is MUCH more important than money or material objects.

    You are young but in the past people were married at 13, 14, 15, 16. And the divorce rate was much lower back in those times. Because couples worked through their issues instead of letting them end a relationship.

    When I say my vows, I will mean them. Every bit “For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health” Money doesn’t make a marriage work.

    Now with all of that being said… It is VERY hard to take care of all bills and go to school.

    If you find a nice cheap apartment (depending on where you live) you will be paying 400-700+ a month for rent alone. Then factor in the light bill which for younger couples tend to be high as they don’t realize just how expensive adjusting the thermostat constantly can be and leaving all the lights on. You’re looking at around $150 a month for lights. Water bills around $80 a month. If you want cable and internet expect to pay about 120$ a month for that. Factor in about $300 for gas for both of you, and if you’re paying your own insurance that can be anywhere from $100-400 a month (per car). Then you have groceries. For two people unless you are eating ramen every night you can expect to pay at least $100 in groceries per week.

    So minimum you will need to make per month is about $1,700 and if the bills are higher you will need to make $2,200+ per month. Doing the math if you both are contributing 50/50 you would need to make $225-275 per week for the cheapest of the cheap pretty much. If you were working full time at minimum wage that would work barely. But if you were working part time each of you would need to make around $14 an hour and those jobs just aren’t very available out there. And keep in mind this does not include spending money for movies clothes makeup going out to eat or anything

    You will also, when moving into a place basically need twice as much as your monthly bills for deposits and first and last months rent.

    The topic ‘To All of The Young Gals with Young Guys :)’ is closed to new replies.

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