(Closed) To all you Mini-Emily Posts – When should I send invites? Shower and Wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I timed it so our wedding invites went out about 4 weeks before the shower invites. That meant I sent ours out a little early, but we got responses right away and heard from everyone within just a few weeks. Your showers seem a bit early (nothing wrong with that!) but I personally would just send the wedding invites whenever, and not stress out about it. Just make sure everyone who gets a shower invite gets a wedding invite!

Post # 4
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I’ve never heard that the wedding invited were supposed to go out first-ours wouldn’t have been ready by then, anyway.

Shower invites were sent out about 3 weeks beforehand, and wedding invites about 8 weeks before. (I actually could have brought the wedding invites to the shower, but everyone likes to get mail, so I didn’t.)

Post # 5
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think the order matters at all.  You should send the invitations with enough time prior to the event so that people have enough time to work out their schedules and RSVP by the deadline.

But yes, make sure that everyone invited to the shower is also invited to the wedding.

Post # 6
1698 posts
Bumble bee

Simple answer: it doesn’t matter which goes out first.

More complicated answer: a bride may have a pre-wedding social gathering with female friends and relatives for a number of different reasons; and the first party-idea most girls think of for a pre-wedding party, is a “shower”. Or even the shower, as if it were a formal necessity for every bride to have one. A shower is in perfectly good taste for a few of these gatherings, and in poor taste for others.

The good-taste form that a shower takes, is a small and informal gathering where a group of close friends, recognizing that their chum is about to set up housekeeping for the first time and probably won’t have the everyday expendable housekeeping items that are always at hand in a well-managed home, get together to “shower her” with little expressions of their friendship in the form of potato peelers, dish towels, extra cakes of soap, a toilet plunger, feather duster, and such-like inexpensive essentials. Because gifts are mandatory they must be kept unostentatious — so as not to embarrass any guest who might be in tight financial straights. Because the bride is the beneficiary of what is essentially a small-scale fundraiser, she and her family are expected to be completely uninvolved in arranging it. Because mandatory gift-giving is an imposition, no-one should be asked to take part in the shower except ladies who are so intimate with the bride that they actively want to give her a gift.

How, you might ask, are the hostesses to make sure that they don’t invite anyone who isn’t a wedding guest, if the bride remains uninvolved? That’s where it is important to keep the invitation list small and intimate. If you invite only people who are known to be very close to the bride, you are inviting the people whom the bride can be expected to invite. Note though, if a lady outright tells the hostess that she wants to be part of the shower, even though she has no expectation of receiving a wedding invitation — old Sunday-school teachers and long-time neighbours and the mothers of the bride’s kindergarten chums frequently fall into this category — then it is cruelty, not some mysterious politeness, to deliberately shut them out.

Another reason for a pre-wedding party, is when the bride realizes that her old girl-hood relationships are being left behind: sometimes just by her change in status that changes the relationship, sometimes because she is moving away to a marital home somewhere else and leaving the people behind along with the relationship. The bride may want to a last chance to visit with those people as a single girl. It’s the time spent with the people that matter to her, not the gifts that they might bring. The bride or a family member may certainly give such a party, and do all the organizing. But it should be called a “tea”, not a “shower”, so it does not appear to be a self-serving plea for material goods. That’s also true when the motive for the shower is for the mother to take pride in her daughter’s maturity and to share her pride with her own peers and her daughter’s friends.

Post # 7
2692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My shower is in 3 weeks… my wedding invitations aren’t ready yet.  Everyone on the shower list is on the wedding list so they will go out after the shower.

Post # 8
3267 posts
Sugar bee

@mandigrl04:  The timing doesn’t matter, only that ALL those invited to the shower be invited to the wedding.

I would also encourage you to step away from anything to do with your invitations for the shower.  It really is in poor taste to solicit gifts for yourself.

Invitations for the wedding should go out no earlier then 6-8 weeks from the date of the wedding.

Post # 9
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My shower was 2.5 months before the wedding (wedding in 6 days, shower was June 30).  Shower invites went out way before wedding invites (my Future Mother-In-Law was chomping at the bit to get them out!) and everyone was fine with it.  We had sent save-the-dates, though, so everyone at the shower knew for sure they would be invited to the wedding.

Also, @aspasia475:  thank you for your very informative post about shower etiquette.  I’m sure it will be useful to newly engaged bees!!

Post # 10
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

Did you send STDs? If you did, send the invitations out as early as 10 weeks out, but preferably 8, making sure that your guests have at least 4 weeks to make a decision and RSVP by your deadline (which should be 3 weeks out if possible, but often must be earlier to meet vendor demands for numbers). If you did not, send them 10 weeks out, maybe even 11 or 12 because of the proximity to the holiday.

Shower invitations can go out in due time with regards to the shower, usually about 3 weeks before, maybe 4.

Post # 11
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Our shower invites went out before the wedding invites. Our shower invites were sent to arrive about a month before the shower, and our wedding invites were sent to arrive a month before our RSVP date. 🙂

I’m not sure if this is proper etiquette or not, but no one seemed to be bothered by it.


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