(Closed) To attend, or not to attend? Bite my tongue or state my opinion?

posted 9 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

How do you know her… do you consider her a good friend too, or is it a one way friendship?

Post # 5
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid, citing your own wedding as the reason you cannot stand up with her.

But if you want to stay her friend, go to her wedding and bite your tongue. Giving your (unsolicited) opinion on her relationship will do nothing but ruin your friendship and the skeezy guy will win.

Trust me, you telling her it is wrong will not change her mind, and then you will be the bad guy for not attending her wedding. Furthermore, if (when) it goes bad it she won’t have you to turn to, and thats a shame. 

Post # 6
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Yah I agree with Ms Mini about staying friends, so you can be there for her later.

I would actually stand up for her as part of the wedding party too.  You’re not standing up there for both of them – you’re there to support your friend?  At least, that’s how I think about being a groomsman!

Post # 7
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I would think it would be really hard to maintain a positive attitude, or even fake it well enough, for such a long period of time.  So rather than get your self into a situation where you feel trapped, I would decline the Bridesmaid or Best Man offer.  You don’t want to turn sour and be a misbehaving Bridesmaid or Best Man.  (Not to mention I think it goes against your conscience.)

I understand mrbee’s point about simply showing support for the friend.  But I think the experience for gals and guys is pretty different.  I think a guy could fake it more easily because he doesn’t have as much stuff to do, or drama to deal with.  Women have to deal with helping the bride plan and pain staking details in planning a shower etc.  A little harder to pull off an unsupportive attitude.

Post # 8
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Heh Tanya… I’m half asian, I have a lot of experience at sucking it up and putting on a smile while I do stuff I can’t stand! 🙂

But good point… the experience for guys and girls is very different!

Post # 9
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

@ mrbee -Ha ha. So does the experience in sucking it up come from some sort of familial obligation Asian families put on each other?

Post # 10
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t even know how it works…  the guilt buttons are probably genetically installed at birth.

Post # 11
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Many years ago, my sister married a much older guy she’d only known for a few weeks when she got engaged.  He did not speak much English, and she didn’t speak a whole lot of Spanish, which was his language. She dropped out of nursing school to marry him. She stayed in Mexico, where she had intended to go only for a summer. I had a full-time job and a new baby at the time. I had to pretend to be the mother of the bride, because our parents did not attend. I also had to find a way to learn at least a minimal amount of Spanish while working at a full-time job and nursing the baby. I had to figure out a way to have safe food and water for us and the baby. And the groom was (and remains) pretty much of an a******.

Yet 27 years later, I’m still glad that I went. I was there to support my sister. She is still grateful that I was there for her, even when our parents were not. And she will be at my wedding this fall, even though the a****** husband is vehemently opposed.  (He’s homophobic, and my fiancee forgot to be male.)

If this marriage is as much of a mistake as you think it is, your friend is going to need you more than ever. If it works out well in spite of the bad initial signs, then you will have to find a way to deal with him if you are to remain friends with her.

You can decline being a Bridesmaid or Best Man due to the financial issues, and the fact that you need time to plan your own wedding. But you really need to be there and bite your tongue if you care about the friendship.

Post # 12
Member
898 posts
Busy bee

I would attend the wedding and reception, but decline the Bridesmaid or Best Man offer. You don’t have to go into detail about your opposition to the marriage, but you do have financial reasons to put forth.

I agree that you should support your friend even if you do not agree. You’re probably not the only one who is opposed, and it would probably be nice for her to at least have your support as a friend. She’s probably already heard everyone’s opinions, and she’ll probably be grateful if you at least showed up to congratulate her. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

@2dbride, LOL, your Fiance forgot to be male. I think most guys are more homophobic around other guys, so maybe your wedding will help open his eyes a little bit.

I have to echo everyone’s posting above. It sounds like she’s either taking a HUGE leap of faith and she’ll be happy and have one of those crazy stories to tell everyone (My roommate’s parents met and dated for 3 months, got engaged and are still married happily) or look back and realize it was a bad idea

either way she’s going to need a friend. If you guys are that close, you might be able to tell her how you feel a little bit. I had a frined who wanted to get engaged at 3 months and i was talking to her all about the ramifications of it and how bad (slash stupid) of an idea she and our other friend thought it was. We raised some good points to her and she decided to sit on it for awhile. 10 months later they got engaged and are now getting married, but if anything it forced them to talk some things through like money!

If you are that close, she’ll hopefully understand that your declining being a bridesmaid is based solely on financial issues. Be prepared for the fact that she may offer to find really ijnexpensive bridesmaid dresses or offer to pay for some of the things, or insist that you don’t bring gifts to certain events. If i had a friend that I knew could not afford being a bridesmaid of mine, I’d still want her there and I’d do anything to have her there, even if it meant out of pocket expenses (which i’m doing with a lot of my girls. iv’e made it so all they had to do was pick out their own shoes in one of three colors, show up, and likely they’ll bring a gift to the shower/bach/wedding but needles to say i made it financially soft on them so they could be in mny wedding) so be prepared for that route. I still think you should go and be supportive. Our friends and family do things we don’t always agree with (and I agree he does sound like bad news–have you asked her why she wants to marry him considering the ‘negatives’ like bankruptcy?) but we still offer our support

I WOULD seriously mention to her about having a prenup to protect her against anything with his kids and also his bankruptcy. HIS bad money choices should NOT become hers and I’m not sure how it works, but I’d make sure I was safe financially if I were her. Especially if a divorce is in the future. Geez, is she ready to be a step mom to 2 kids? Yikes.

I think you’ll get further with her by suggesting these sort of things as opposed to just coming right out and saying you don’t like him. Then it looks like you are looking out for her. And what girl doesn’t appreciate that?

Post # 14
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m also chiming in that you should decline the offer of being a bridesmaid but still go to the wedding as a guest.  It’s OK to do this.  And basically everything that ejs4y8 just said… I totally agree with.  That prenup idea is good.

Post # 15
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

ditto the prenup that has an attachment of all her current assets that are to remain hers in the event they don’t make it as a couple.  I know it’s a hard conversation to have….I’ve had to be the one to have that discussion and in retrospect although it was hard and uncomfortable 2 years later when sadly things didn’t work out she had herself covered legally and the ending paperwork was less stressful so she could just focus on the emotional recovery.  I think you are ok to decline the bridesmaid offer and just attend the wedding & reception.  But be there to support her…..and then be there to support her again if it doesn’t work out.  I promise she’ll appreciate it.

Post # 16
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

If she has been dating this guy for a month and a half, have you talked to her about how you don’t think he’s a good idea? IF she was dating him without hearing any oposition, there is really no way you can bring it up now without jeopardizing your friendship.

You don’t have to be a bridesmaid, but I do think you need to be there to show your support. Later on if/when things don’t work out she will not doubt that she has you to help her through it.

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