To baby or not to baby

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
2915 posts
Sugar bee

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mickeynicki :  We have always wanted children. I’m one of those people who has always felt that I was meant to be a mother. Not wanting kids was a major deal breaker to me during my dating years. My husband also wants children but isn’t as obsessed as I am.

I find it really annoying when people ask when you’re going to have kids. If it’s a really close friend or family member I don’t midn. But I think a lot of people think it’s a totally safe question to ask. I’ve had practically strangers ask me. 

We’re on our first cycle trying to conceive and I know if it takes us a while to get pregnant I’m going to get emotional when people ask. 

Post # 3
316 posts
Helper bee

we don’t have kids yet but have said the same thing as you have. How old are both of you? Why not wait a year or two and see how you feel?

In the last 6 months or so, we have decided we do want to start a family. I think that part of what did it for us was spending more time with his toddler nephews/our Godson and picturing what our family could look like. Seeing one another interacting with the kids has brought out certain emotions (at least for me lol). We are also building a home and started imagining kids rooms, etc. It’s happened gradually – two years ago we were both pretty neutral on the topic, but the more we build a life together, the more we keep talking about the idea and deciding it’s what we want.

Unless you’re worried about age and fertility, I would enjoy being newlyweds and not rush into a decision about kids. It’s no ones business except you and your husbands! 

Post # 4
1402 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

Is it normal in 2019 to be asked when you’ll TTC, especially so soon after the wedding? My mom told me it used to happen when she got married in 70’s.

Post # 5
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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mickeynicki :  We were going back and forth on having kids. We eventually started wanting them for a lot of the same reasons as a PP mentioned. In addition to that, I just turned 30, we have settled into our house, our careers are relatively stable for the first time, and we have the extra time, space, and money for kids. We just don’t have any strong reasons to wait and want to start trying soon after we get married since we already live together.

We arrived at the decision after a lot of discussions, research, and arguments. However, the moment we arrived at the decision, it just happened naturally when everything fell into place and it feels like “it’s meant to be” 

Post # 6
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

My husband and I were older when we got married (36 and 37) and at first we planned on TTC the next summer (37 and 38). As that time got closer, we had a conversation and found out we both felt more comfortable waiting another year so that we could accomplish some goals (savings, new job, travel) even though it meant us being older even. We had a lot of people offer us unsolicited advice about not waiting due to our age, but we needed to do what was best for us. We just started TTC this past April (and we still weren’t 100% ready but you never will be!!) and I’m now 10 weeks with our first. My advice is to communicate with your spouse and totally tune out the outside opinions. 

Post # 7
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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betyl :  Based on my experience and what I see on these boards, it’s pretty common. My area/family is pretty progressive, and I still got questions from multiple family members and friends. It’s not the best question, but I think it’s a mix of people being excited about it and wanting to know, and it being an easy “go-to” that a lot of people can relate to.

Post # 8
6309 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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mickeynicki :  I flip-flopped some. My entire life I just knew I’d have kids, it’s something I always envisioned. Then again I always envisioned I’d have kids in my early to mid 20’s but that didn’t happen. I’ve found the longer you wait the more you become set in your ways and it tends to make you teeter-totter a little (at least it did for me). It took us over a year of TTC and in the middle of that, and along with a couple of losses, I seriously considered not having kids. Like for a good few months I seriously thought about pulling the plug and just being CFBC. Part of it was probably emotional but part of it was also knowing that in my 30’s with a busy lifestyle having a kid was going to be A LOT of change. In the end we did finally have a successful pregnancy and now with a 1.5 year old I’m considering being “one and done” even though I always thought I’d have two kids. 

I’d just just enjoy your time now. Be married, travel, do the things you like to do. There’s no rush and having a baby should be on your terms without any pressure from anyone else. We got the comments for YEARS…because we were together over 10 years before we got married and waited another 4 to start TTC. 

Post # 9
236 posts
Helper bee

I started realizing that as much as I’d thought about how I wanted pregnancy and birth to go and who I’d want to have kids with, I’d never actually thought about anything beyond that. When we first got married, I was 28 & he was 33, and he would have had a kid in a heartbeat if I’d been ready. But I wasn’t, both because of my own stuff and because I knew our marriage wasn’t ready for that. Over the years I started to realize I really didn’t have any desire to have a kid. I kept thinking, “if I’m not ready now, not having any desire to have kids now, in my early 30s, when am I going to be ready?” It was really scary to talk about that with my husband because, well, dealbreaker right, if one wants kids and the other doesn’t, but he slowly came around – not because I convinced him or anything like that, just because his outlook changed. Now I’m almost 33 & my husband almost 38, and we just talked the other day about how happy we are without kids. That was an awesome conversation because it was the first time I truly believed that deep down he is totally happy without kids. We both really enjoy the freedom of not being responsible for anyone else. It also just hit me the other day that if I had kids, they would wake up every morning looking to me for “what are we going to do today, mom?” No, thank you. Honestly I get put off enough by having to adjust my schedule for my dog.

Post # 10
427 posts
Helper bee

I was staunchly childfree until a brief period last year. 

Hormones and social pressure were leading me to believe that I wanted to be a mother. 

I came to realize that I was in love with the idea of being a parent rather than all of the realities-including the unpleasant ones. I was not prepared to take the arduous journey of TTC after a vasectomy reversal or IVF and also past age 35. It just seemed like a huge headache. 

So we have a little dog now. He’s a lot of work and I love him to death. My husband and I are very glad that I ultimately decided to stay childfree and so is my husband. 

If you feel that you may want to become a parent, try not to focus only on the joys of having children because being a parent is hard work. There are expenses, serious upheaval to your marriage, and a changed lifestyle to consider. Become a parent only if you are fine with ALL aspects of raising children. 

Congratulations on your new marriage! 

Post # 11
200 posts
Helper bee

Yep! I’ve been married 3 weeks now and several people have already asked if we want kids. When my husband and I met, we were both on the same page in not being sure but definitely not yet ready. It started to change for me when my nephew was born – he’s now 2. I had never spent a lot of time with babies or little kids so the idea was kind of scary, and I had definitely not had any kids close enough to feel like I loved them. Spending time with my nephew was the game changer. I love him like crazy, want to see him all the time, when he hugs me and says “don’t go auntie”, my heart just melts. I would do anything for this kid, and he’s not even mine. So now I’m sure I’d prefer to have at least one kid and husband is on board, so we’re probably going to start trying after our delayed honeymoon in a few months.

Post # 12
1137 posts
Bumble bee

I warmed to the idea after years of seeing / spending time with other family / friends’ kids / babies. You see the real side of it and decide, I’m ok with that. 

I always thought that with the right guy I would have a child, but never quite set my mind to it. I think I would’ve been ok either way. Anyway now at 34 and just married few months ago, I think it’s now or never. Besides, seeing how good DH is with kids definitely made me want one more haha…

To me it’s like when you’re deciding between two things you want to order at the restaurant and you’re undecided until the waiter is literally standing there waiting for your order, it is in that moment you decide on what you really wanted, without thinking lol….

Interestingly, one of my best friends my age who was also undecided, decided on the complete opposite. Because she doesn’t want to be responsible for another human being, and that’s completely fine. 

Sometimes you don’t know which way you’ll go until you do.

Post # 13
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

My SO is 36, and I’m 31. When we met, we were both already skeptical of the “love, marriage, baby carriage” thing being the typical and expected progression. 

We knew within a few months of meeting that we would get married. It was a natural and overwhelmingly mutual decision. The proposal will be coming before the end of this year, and we’re planning on getting married in late 2020. 

The more we experience together, the more we know we don’t want children.

We’re both very career-focused, and we find our jobs rewarding. Even so, when we get home, we need and enjoy our unwind time. Neither of us would be willing to sacrifice our career, and neither of us believe in the idea of having a child only to stick him or her in daycare during their very important formative years. We also know that our dogs are already plenty to deal with when we get home. We don’t need a human baby to soak up our energy. 

On top of that, we love to experience new things and travel. We watch the families in airports, at hotels, even in grocery stores and malls. We don’t want that life. We don’t want everything to be about the pooping, screaming, constantly needy child pulling at our hands. It won’t matter if it’s ours. We’re not that naive. We like doing our own, very adult, thing.

I don’t relate to children. My SO is much better at it, but I don’t like make believe, dress up, or loud noises. I wasn’t good at being a child even when I was a child. None of the other children related well to me, and I don’t think I’d be good at fostering childlike wonder in a kid. I make a much better adult and interact much better with adults. 

When we retire, we’re going to have huge nest eggs. (Yep… Here it is: the money factor.) I like spending my hard earned money on things that bring me joy. For some people, that’s their kids. For me, it will be a vacation home. 

I don’t buy into the whole thing of “but who will take care of you when you’re old?” , even if I had kids, I wouldn’t want them changing my damn depends. I’d pay someone to do it anyway. Also, there is no guarantee that your relationship with your children will be good. There are too many variables. 

We enjoy the heck out of our nieces and nephews. They’re sweet kids. Then we give them back when they’re not sweet kids. It’s a good system. 

Anyway, those are just a few of my very many thoughts on why kids are no bueno for my lifestyle with my SO. 

Post # 14
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I was always iffy, then I got the cliche biological NEED a baby thing but logically I know it’s not a good time right now and frankly I don’t want to cater to another thing right now. It occurred to me the other day how much earlier I’d have to get up to deal with kids and pack lunches and shit before work. No thanks.

Post # 15
2771 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

It has to be tough, being truly on the fence and knowing you could go either way and risk regret. I’ve just always known that I want kids. It all appeals to me…everything from the squishy newborn stage, to the first day of school, to family Christmases when the kids are grown. I know that might smack as a bit kodak-momenty, but obviously I know there will be hardships that come with it. Frankly though, life is hard no matter which path you choose. CFBC folks will face hardships, some of them the same as kid-havers, and some unique to their lifestyle choice. And kid-havers will face hardships, some the same as CFBC folks and some unique to THEIR lifestyle choice. I’ve just always known, to my core, that life for me personally would not be truly fulfilling without kids. Just like my CFBC friends know that having kids would hold them back from the things that they find fulfilling. My husband is probably more of a fence-sitter-leaning-kids. He wants kids, but I suspect that if I were CFBC, he would have chosen to stay with me, whereas not wanting kids would be a deal breaker for me.

Anyhow, people these days are hella nosy and we made it as far as our reception before parents and friends started asking about babies. Sigh.

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