(Closed) To baby or not to baby? That is the question…LONG

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
3667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Does your husband know the reason you don’t want to have kids? There’s nothing wrong with admitting that the possibiity of a child who will require lifelong medical care is more than you can handle. Since your husband has experience with his family members, hopefully he will understand. Have you discussed adoption?

Post # 4
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

Yes, there are a lot of genetic tests that can be done prior to birth, and you’ve got a lot of options based on the results of those tests; it depends on the state you live in for some of them, but the simple answer to your question is that there are definitely some things you can do to prevent or prepare for having a child with some of these concerns.  

The complicated answer is that none of those tests are 100%– and some of those things don’t show up in tests at all.  I would recommend scheduling an appointment with your OB/GYM and you both go and talk to them about your options.  There are also tests you can take as parents to see if either of you are pre-disposed to have a child with certain issues (for example if you are both carriers of the same recessive gene for a genetic disorder, meaning neither of you HAVE the disorder, but your child likely would).  

Post # 5
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

There are tons of genetic screenings, and before you get all nervous about having sick children, maybe you should talk to a doctor about your actual risks. Some genetic diseases are only carried down one sex or tend to skip generations and migraines and chronic fatigue need not be genetic.

Post # 6
2155 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I can tell you from personal experience, not all people with the diseases you mentioned are “sickly.” I’m sort of offended at that statement. Have kids or not, but some of the diseases you mentioned are not genetic so I wouldn’t be so quick to put off having kids for that specific reason, at least not discussing this with a qualified doctor before you jump to conclusions.

Post # 11
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I sympathize with you.  While DH’s family has a few problems such as a couple siblings with learning disabilities, my job as a special ed teacher makes me overly aware of what can happen when everything is not “normal.” I, too, would be a ok with never having children, but DH desparately wants them, so we’ll hope for the best! I have at least convinced DH that we will not take any extreme measures to have kids or adopt if we can’t conceive the old fashioned way.

I agree with the PPs.  Definitely go to the doctor and have them assess your risk for the issues you are concerned about.  There are hundreds of tests you can do, but knowing your risks can definitely narrow it down.

Post # 12
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

wow that’s though.

You mentioned you don’t have “baby fever”, so it would be good to ask yourself:

“If his family didnt have so much diseases, would i be willing to have children with him?”

If the answer is no… well, it’s pretty clear. Maybe you dont really want to have kids, and having them just because he wants to would be a mistake.

But if the answer is “yes, i would” then i think you should talk to an ob/gyn and run some test in both of you, even before TTC. Sometimes doctors are able to tell if one of the parents is carrying a gen that would cause a genetic disease.

If everything seems fine and you’re on board, then start TTC and do test during the pregnancy and see if everything’s fine.

Other thing you should think about is what would you do if you get pregnant and the doctor tells you that there’s something wrong with your baby, you need to be sure you and your husband are on the same page about this. It wouldnt be good if something like that happens (god forbid) and you want to end the pregnancy and your husband doesnt or viceversa.

Did you talk about this before getting married?

Im sorry if i sound too negative or blunt or something. 🙂

Post # 13
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

View original reply
@JessMorgan777:  You really need to prioritize finding a doctor. I just moved 8 days ago, so I totally get that you jsut moved, but your risks only rise the longer you wait, and this is clearly an issue for you since you’re on here asking about it. You might even be able to get the information you need from Planned Parenthood, which is crazy super cheap.

Post # 14
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

If you have to ask then the answer is probably no. There’s nothing wrong with that choice. 

Post # 16
5540 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

As someone who most likely carries a serious, life threating genetic disease (that doesn’t manifest until your late 40s-50s but testing for it would mean I would never get health insurance) I totally get where you are coming from. It is super scary to think that I could have the disease that killed my grandma and that 3/4 of his kids have, including my dad,and to give it to my kids. I agree with a PP, I think a major part of this decision needs to be “If not for these chance of disease would I want kids?”. For us personally, the risk of a chance of the disease passing on is worth us having kids of our own someday.

There are also other options if the genetic tests show a high likelyhood of these diseases too. Whille exspensive, you could use donor sperm if your husband is okay with it. Or adoption is always a wonderful option personally. 

You really need to get with a doctor to discuss these things though. You also need to get on the same page as your husband. So you are 30 and don’t want to wait forever, research does show that risks of some defects goes up as the mothers age goes up. Not to scare you but if you are already worried about that, something to consider. Another consideration is: all the genetic tests are fine but something happens in utero or at birth where the child will have some special need, what are you going to do then? Just other things to consider. Even perfect genetics doesn’t mean one ends up with a “perfect” baby. 

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