Post # 1
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
My husband and I have been married about a year and a half now. I married him because I love him….I did not marry him to have children….if that makes any sence… His family has some pretty strong genetic disorders. His sister who has just been diagnosed with MS has 6 kids…2 are autistic….his other sister has chronic fatigue and can not leave her bed most of the time (but her 2 children are fine) and his mother has fibromyalgia. His dad has very frequent mygraines and has to work from home. Anyway, my husband and youngest sister seem to be fine. However, when the subject on when/if we are going to have children gets brought up I cringe because I think what if our children end up being sickly?? Can I really handle that??
I will be turning 30 in 5 months….so I know decision time is quckly approaching. I have never ever had “baby fever” and I probably never will. So really, I would be fine if we did not have kids. However, my husband is a total softy and LOVES kids. I feel guilty because I really don’t even want to try if we have a high chance of there being something wrong with them. My hubby keeps saying “we don’t have to have them”. But I KNOW that there will be a void in his life if we don’t.
Are there any genetic tests out there for stuff like this? Suggestions? Please help!
Post # 3
Member
3667 posts
Sugar bee
Does your husband know the reason you don’t want to have kids? There’s nothing wrong with admitting that the possibiity of a child who will require lifelong medical care is more than you can handle. Since your husband has experience with his family members, hopefully he will understand. Have you discussed adoption?
Post # 4
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Yes, there are a lot of genetic tests that can be done prior to birth, and you’ve got a lot of options based on the results of those tests; it depends on the state you live in for some of them, but the simple answer to your question is that there are definitely some things you can do to prevent or prepare for having a child with some of these concerns.
The complicated answer is that none of those tests are 100%– and some of those things don’t show up in tests at all. I would recommend scheduling an appointment with your OB/GYM and you both go and talk to them about your options. There are also tests you can take as parents to see if either of you are pre-disposed to have a child with certain issues (for example if you are both carriers of the same recessive gene for a genetic disorder, meaning neither of you HAVE the disorder, but your child likely would).
Post # 5
Member
7900 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
There are tons of genetic screenings, and before you get all nervous about having sick children, maybe you should talk to a doctor about your actual risks. Some genetic diseases are only carried down one sex or tend to skip generations and migraines and chronic fatigue need not be genetic.
Post # 6
Member
2024 posts
Buzzing bee
I can tell you from personal experience, not all people with the diseases you mentioned are “sickly.” I’m sort of offended at that statement. Have kids or not, but some of the diseases you mentioned are not genetic so I wouldn’t be so quick to put off having kids for that specific reason, at least not discussing this with a qualified doctor before you jump to conclusions.
Post # 7
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
@Regina Phalange: Yes, we have discussed it and he ends up being really sad and says “We don’t have to have kids…we could try on faith but God gave us a brain to make these kinds of decisions” He also says that “it would not just be unfair to us……but to intentionally get pregnant and then bring a child into this world knowing full well they might end up with a disability is unfair to the child”
Post # 8
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
@Krises: I’m sorry if i offended you but I was kind of pointing to the people in his family and I assure you they really would be considerd to be sickly.
Post # 9
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
@juliette.eliza: Thank you, that is very helpful!!
Post # 10
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
@mrsSonthebeach: The only thing I do know is that MS and Fibromyalgia are both autoimmune disorders..Also chronic fatigue has alot of the same symptoms as fibromyalgia…..that is why I thought they might be related. I know that Austim can happen in a family randomly…but there are 2 kids that have it…which made me think it was genetic. But I will check to see if there are any tests for anything like that. We just moved to this area I am not trying to get prego now…so I really don’t have a doc to ask.
Post # 11
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
I sympathize with you. While DH’s family has a few problems such as a couple siblings with learning disabilities, my job as a special ed teacher makes me overly aware of what can happen when everything is not “normal.” I, too, would be a ok with never having children, but Darling Husband desparately wants them, so we’ll hope for the best! I have at least convinced Darling Husband that we will not take any extreme measures to have kids or adopt if we can’t conceive the old fashioned way.
I agree with the PPs. Definitely go to the doctor and have them assess your risk for the issues you are concerned about. There are hundreds of tests you can do, but knowing your risks can definitely narrow it down.
Post # 12
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee
wow that’s though.
You mentioned you don’t have “baby fever”, so it would be good to ask yourself:
“If his family didnt have so much diseases, would i be willing to have children with him?”
If the answer is no… well, it’s pretty clear. Maybe you dont really want to have kids, and having them just because he wants to would be a mistake.
But if the answer is “yes, i would” then i think you should talk to an ob/gyn and run some test in both of you, even before TTC. Sometimes doctors are able to tell if one of the parents is carrying a gen that would cause a genetic disease.
If everything seems fine and you’re on board, then start TTC and do test during the pregnancy and see if everything’s fine.
Other thing you should think about is what would you do if you get pregnant and the doctor tells you that there’s something wrong with your baby, you need to be sure you and your husband are on the same page about this. It wouldnt be good if something like that happens (god forbid) and you want to end the pregnancy and your husband doesnt or viceversa.
Did you talk about this before getting married?
Im sorry if i sound too negative or blunt or something. 🙂
Post # 13
Member
7900 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
@JessMorgan777: You really need to prioritize finding a doctor. I just moved 8 days ago, so I totally get that you jsut moved, but your risks only rise the longer you wait, and this is clearly an issue for you since you’re on here asking about it. You might even be able to get the information you need from Planned Parenthood, which is crazy super cheap.
Post # 14
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
If you have to ask then the answer is probably no. There’s nothing wrong with that choice.
Post # 15
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
@Anamagana: We talked about it yes but it wasn’t a serious conversation….probably should have been though…I guess I just wanted to marry him because I love him but kids really didn’t enter my mind much until now.
And yes, I would have kids for him when were were ready if there was not any family history like that. My mom told me she did not ever have baby fever eaither but loved my sis and I when we arrived.
And I would not terminate if I found out something was wrong or abnormal….I just don’t like the idea of face something like that if I don’t have to…
I would rather people be blunt actually 
Post # 16
Member
5543 posts
Bee Keeper
As someone who most likely carries a serious, life threating genetic disease (that doesn’t manifest until your late 40s-50s but testing for it would mean I would never get health insurance) I totally get where you are coming from. It is super scary to think that I could have the disease that killed my grandma and that 3/4 of his kids have, including my dad,and to give it to my kids. I agree with a PP, I think a major part of this decision needs to be “If not for these chance of disease would I want kids?”. For us personally, the risk of a chance of the disease passing on is worth us having kids of our own someday.
There are also other options if the genetic tests show a high likelyhood of these diseases too. Whille exspensive, you could use donor sperm if your husband is okay with it. Or adoption is always a wonderful option personally.
You really need to get with a doctor to discuss these things though. You also need to get on the same page as your husband. So you are 30 and don’t want to wait forever, research does show that risks of some defects goes up as the mothers age goes up. Not to scare you but if you are already worried about that, something to consider. Another consideration is: all the genetic tests are fine but something happens in utero or at birth where the child will have some special need, what are you going to do then? Just other things to consider. Even perfect genetics doesn’t mean one ends up with a “perfect” baby.
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