(Closed) To be or not to be… advice please!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think you need to take a few steps back. Are you actually engaged or are you just talking about marriage? It’s hard to tell from your post. It sounds as though you both are going through some major life changes and aren’t necessarily on the same page about things. It’s weird he won’t budge on the court house… if you can’t resolve these issues on your own I would recommend maybe some personal or couples counseling. There isn’t any reason anyone should feel rushed into marriage and maybe the two of you should wait until are at a place where you can work togther as opposed to against each other. I know it sucks, but healthy relationships are about compromise and mutual respect… you need to have a clear vision for the future that you both agree on and are happy about.

Post # 4
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

More so than the wedding issues, I’m concerned about your boyfriend’s unilateral decision to join the military.  That’s a HUGE step to take, and the fact that he left out details and told you that he was going to do it, rather than discussing it with you, raises a huge red flag in my mind.  You didn’t say what exactly he’d do in the military or what branch he’s looking at, but with few exceptions, the military isn’t like "just any job" and the lifestyle can be very stressful for both the servicemember and the spouse.  And IMO, if you’re going to get married, big decisions — including job changes of any sort — need to be discussed and decided by consensus.  I think that making decisions that have such a huge impact without talking first displays a stunning lack of respect for one’s relationship and one’s partner.

The wedding thing would be another red flag to me, and I completely agree with everything northernazbride said about it.  Please take some time to really think about everything, and more importantly, to discuss things in depth with your boyfriend.  Hopefully he will be willing to have such a discussion, and won’t keep shutting you off… 

Post # 5
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I agre with the pps.  There is more than one problem here.

1. He joins the military without mentioning it to you, as HL pointed out.  What will he do in the future?  Come home and tell you he took a job in Alaska, “pack your bags”.  “Oh now that we’re married, I want to tell you, I really don’t wan kids.”

2. As northernazbride said, it’s strange he won’t budge.  The fact that both of you won’t budge, and come together to agree on something, might indicate other issues having the same struggle.

3. You said you really didn’t want to get married yet.  So to me, I don’t think you should.  You really shouldn’t get married if you don’t feel ready.

4. If your instinct is telling you something doesn’t feel right about the family thing going on with him, don’t ignore it.  Honestly, it does sound really strange.  I’ve never heard of someone being so private that they don’t want to mingle their family and friends with their spouse.  That’s sounds pretty miserable to me. And yes, I can’t accept that there isn’t a reason why.  I don’t care if he does swear there isn’t.  By not saying something it makes him look like he’s hiding something.  I’m not sure that he’d be embarrassed of you.  (Why would he want to marry you otherwise?)  But maybe he’s afraid his family will judge you.  By not saying anything, he’s looking like he’s trying to keep from spilling a secret or getting caught in a lie.

Sorry you’re going through this.  Please don’t rush into marriage with someone who can’t be straight forward with you.

Post # 7
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

it is very odd to me that he wont budge. I know Mr.Joe would have been more than happy with a courthouse wedding, but he knew that I wanted a “wedding” and he simply wants me to be happy, so he was glad to go through with it. a wedding is a once in a life time thing, and it sounds like you have compromised as far as you can. Is it possible that he’s still scared of actually getting married, or does he have friends/family discouraging him? I would definitely take a step back and wait on things because it sounds like he is still in “me” mode instead of “we”.

Post # 8
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

re: the airforce and you. as i understand it (i have a friend married to a US pilot) unless you are married then the AF will not recongnize you. you will not be acknowledged as a dependant so you are not entitled to any benefits such as medical, GI Bill, BAH ect. once accepted by the AF he will have to go to BMT and then maybe tech school and then he gets his first posting which could be anywhere. you moving with him will be at your own expense and depending on his rank he will have to live in the dorms (ie, enlisted newbie to E3 i think but i could be wrong on the E3), unless he is an officer or married

im more concerned about his secretative nature. do you socialise with a wide group of friends? does he monitor your friends, emails, phone ect? and has he been married before because i get that impression somehow

 

Post # 10
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

thanks for sharing more info Miaka… i was a bit worried he was controlling but it doesnt sound like it generally

and to be honest he sounds a bit like me in regards to sharing with the family. my hubby and i have a very healthy relationship but im just not that interested in sharing him and our life together with either of our families. love the families btw, just that he and i keep “us” very private.

marriage is about compromise and i feel he needs to bend on the wedding issue to finid a happy balance for the both of you. if you jsut went on a 7day cruise with his family whats his drama with sharing 4hrs getting married i wonder.   btw, MaryJane (one of the bloggers here) is planning a courthouse wedding with a small number of friends so dont dismiss the courthouse unless youre really against it

Post # 12
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

being in a military relationship is a b*tch and then having someone who is so weird… I d say let it go sorry chica

Post # 13
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

Maybe is is afraid of what happened to your mom. Is there anyway you can convince him just the parents there? Maybe a small courthouse wedding, then have some time to cool off, and have another ceremony thats more about celebrating than the legal deal? I hope he comes around. It sounds like there is more to this than what he says, but then again, that could be the truth. Would you be happy with a very private ceremony, but then a bigger reception? Would he go for that?

Post # 14
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

First, I’m sorry about the troubles and hear your pains.  I also apologize that what I’m about to write may come across a bit harsh…

Just by reading your posts, I feel as though you are doing all the compromising and that he is not quite meeting you 1/2 way…and you seem to be defending him quite a bit.  Communication is SO important in a successful relationship and whether married or not, I believe when two people are in a committed relationship, important, life-changing events must be discussed PRIOR to making a decision.  I do command and appreciate his decision to serve his country, however, I get this weird feeling that he’s sugar-coating this decision (which he’s made w/o consulting you) and pulling this one over you by saying he made the decision to support you???  and I don’t believe him when he says he’s a private person and thus doesn’t want even his and your parents at the wedding??? 

I whole heartedly belive you that you are in love.  But, is he in love with you?  Saying he’s having difficult time and “acting” he’s upset…and you wondering if he is “embarrased” by your family…these are all sounding RED ALARMS to me…

Has he met your close friends?  What do your friends think about all this? 

I have a strong feeling that you really need to take many steps back…and it may be very painful but I think you should walk away from this one…

It is very difficult to walk away from a long-term committed relationship; but when it isn’t the one, it just simply isn’t the one.  I believe in your mind, you already know what it is the right thing to do.  It’s your heart that you need to mend…

I have walked away from a 5-yr very seriously relationship and another 4-yr relationship prior to that one.  My current Fiance makes it all the more clear to me that I had made the right decision to walk away.  I don’t know you; I don’t know your Fiance…but I feel like I’m hearing myself in your concerns.  You are still young and have whole life ahead of you.  Go with your instincts.  If any part of your “gut” is telling you something is not quite right, it isn’t. 

Best of luck to you.  You happiness comes from within.  Find peace in your heart and mind, and the rest will follow.

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