(Closed) To be or not to be in the wedding

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

It is tough but just try to be the bigger person and do what you WISH your bridesmaids would have done for you.

Post # 4
Member
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I agree with WeddingKitty … Try to take a deep breath and realize that everyone wants/needs different things from their day and what is most important to her is that you wear a yellow dress.  What was most important to you was that your best friends be by your side.  Sorry, it’s a crappy situation but try to do what she asks without holding too much against her — in the end you guys are friends (or family) and that’s what it is all about.

Post # 5
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

First off, it sucks that your friends couldn’t get it together to find something in yellow or blue, but I think you should cut your Wedding Party some slack in this case.  Two weeks’ notice really isn’t a lot of time to scrape together enough money for a new dress if you’re genuinely broke.  It’s also not a lot of time to shop, especially if you have a full-time job and can only shop on the weekends or evenings, and it would have been tough to order something online that would arrive in time (unless you want to pay major $$ for express shipping).  It sounds like they did the best they could to at least look coordinated.

As for the yellow dress, I agree with the others that it would be great of you to be the bigger person and buy the yellow dress she’s picked out.  But if you think you’d resent it horribly and it would ruin the wedding for you, ask your friend out to lunch or coffee and explain that you want to be there for her on her day, but you’re still feeling hurt that she and your other bridesmaids went behind your back and changed your color scheme to black without even talking to you, and now it seems doubly unfair that she expects you to wear such an unflattering color with no input from you.  Maybe hearing her side of the story will help you feel better about your own wedding and help mend your friendship.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

honestly, 2 weeks is not enough time for someone to go out and buy a new dress.  if they had to save money to do so, and all that is is hard….that being said, tell your friend how she made you feel.  your wedding is not related to her wedding.  Tell her how you felt, and then if you want to be in hers, and want to be her friend, do what she asks.  she is giving you 8 months or so notice.  and honestly, if you are a bridesmaid, you cannot count on the dress looking good on you, sorry to say.  when you accept that position, you just have to suck it up and make it work!

Post # 7
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

(I may get a lot of ick for my opinion on this…)

I know a lot of people think 2 weeks is not enough time to get a bridesmaid dress, and I somewhat agree.  BUT I do feel like it’s a lot of time to find a simple, less expensive dress that may not look like a typical bridesmaid dress.  I found dresses as cheap as $15 before, which may be because I live in a city where there’s plenty of different types of stores.  And 2 weeks is plenty of time to shop around and pick out something yellow or blue, in my opinion.

As for your situation with your moh, even if yellow is not flattering on you … it’s her theme color.  I agree on being the bigger person (after a long-needed talk about how you felt with your wedding.) 

Post # 8
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Do an internet search.  And if you aren’t going to buy it, maybe buy a yellow caplet or pashmina wrap to wear over the LBD?

I do think it’s a bit much to ask so much of you when she didnt find some way to compromise with you at your wedding…

I agree with the others being the bigger person and all..but for the life of me…the BRIDESMAIDS telling the bride what they’re gonna wear???

that is insensitive of them.

I do wish you congratulations on your new marriage and wedding!

Post # 9
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

The other issue is your original colors were blue and yellow.

They couldn’t do that.

And now your friend wants YOU to buy a yellow dress?  That is another dynamic I didn’t think of before.

I have a coworker who’s getting married and he’s asking off for the entire months of June.  He’s also fully aware I’m getting engaged.  He hasn’t even SET A DATE yet though.  No venue.  Nothing.  Just trying to block off an entire month so I can’t get off work to have mine.

And that’s a GUY doing that.  Wierd stuff I tell ya.

Weddings and funerals bring out the best and the crappiest in people sometimes. 

Post # 10
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

while it sucks that your bm’s didn’t wear yellow or blue like you requested, i think that it is very difficult to expect people to scrounge enough money together and find the right dress in just two weeks.  i spent over a month trying to find a second dress for my reception – i’m 5’5 and smaller than size 0 in most brands, so it very difficult to find something flattering that wasn’t ridiculously ill-fitting.  so try to cut them some slack.  if i was only given 2 weeks notice to find a bm’s dress, i would have assumed this wasn’t really that important to the bride or she would have given me more notice to find the right dress.  i work full-time and i have a ton of other activities on my plate, so i really don’t have a ton of leftover time to go dress shopping for fun.  of course for a good friend, i could make time but then that friend should be similarly considerate and give me adequate time to look my best.

Post # 12
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Sounds like you guys need to talk this out.  It’s clear that there is some bilateral resentment.

If it were me, I’d say, "You know, I was really hurt when everyone decided to wear their own thing to my wedding.  I think because of that, I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with wearing yellow– a color we both know doesn’t look good on me– to your wedding.  But, I do want to make your wedding perfect for you.  I just don’t want to have any resentment in doing it.  So can we talk about what happened and get past it?"

I find that being direct and addressing things *early* tends to diffuse most situations.

Post # 13
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow.  The colorful expletive right before YOUR wedding?

How long have you been friends?  Seriously?  I mean there is a way to always make a dress work within budget.  You going to Ross’ for example is one way to do that.

Now 2 weeks is short on time imho.  And they could find a way to have made your request work.  Again, when there’s a will there’s a way.

She wasn’t too worried about calling you a b before your wedding and now she’s mad again?

I am sorry.  But I may get flamed here for my comment I’m about to make, but here goes…

I think your friend has unleashed her bridezilla.  Were you both engaged at the same time?  I am seeing maybe a bit of her wanting to upstage you a bit and some of the green monster surfacing.  Why ignore your needs as a friend only to meet HER needs?  That’s not a 50/50 playing field.  Friendship is a 2 way street. 

I’d try to reason with her and definitely be the bigger person, but her actions are uncalled for.    

 

 

Post # 14
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

Sounds like this whole thing is a mess.  Honestly, if my friend asked me to be a bridesmaid two weeks before the wedding and told me any parameters of what to wear, I would’ve told them "thanks, but I’d rather just come as a guest."  However, they, for whatever reason, agreed to your terms (I’m assuming).  Her wedding, however, is a different thing…..she’s having more time to plan, she’s giving you more time to look, etc.  I think it’s weird that she’s telling you that you don’t look good in yellow (whether it’s true or not, no one likes to hear something like that!), but she is giving you enough time.  Now, this is coming from a bride who has one attendant and told her to wear whatever she damn well pleases because i just want her to be there and I dont’ care what she wears (10 months in advance, mind you)…..so it’s not like i’m big on color schemes and what have you……..but I fully expect that when SHE gets married, I’ll have to wear whatever she picks, and I’ll do it with a smile on my face.  If I hate it, I’ll tell my husband, but I won’t tell her.  I’ll just smile and help her with whatever she wants, because she’s my best friend.  Her wedding will be totally different from mine, and that’s okay, becuase we’re two different people. (by the way, everyone who knows me knows i hate pink and i hate hats, but if that’s what she wants, i’ll do it with a giant smile.)

 

However, that being said, if my Maid/Matron of Honor called me what yours called you before your wedding, I would’ve kicked her right out of that party…….and if I didn’t, my husband certainly would have.  Sounds like this is a friendship that may be fizzling out, and if that’s the case, maybe you should back out as well and then never think about it again. 

Post # 15
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

DUMP your ‘friend’.

You totally sound like a doormat, no wonder they walked all over you. Sorry to be so harsh.

I wouldn’t be in a wedding where I wasn’t 100% into it…and you’re obviously not…so SAVE YOUR MONEY!

Unlike people who go for the…’be the bigger person’…I’m more realistic. I would be peeved! No amount of ‘talking’ would solve it. Your ‘friend’ doesn’t care about you or your feelings.

A bridesmaidy dress can be found in two weeks…go to SEARS to the dress section…DONE! 

Post # 16
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I agree it’s a mess.  But here’s what I think – if you had asked me two weeks before your wedding to stand up for you, you would have got me in whatever nice and appropriate dress I happened to own – or whatever dress you wanted to find for me – or not at all.  Since I don’t own anything yellow or blue, that wouldn’t be do-able, unless you were planning on providing the dress.  Plus, I would generally think that if is was really important to you (as opposed to just a sudden whim) you could have given them a decent amount of notice.  (Honestly, if you invited me to your wedding with two weeks notice, odds are that I would already be busy and not even able to attend.  Our weekends book up months in advance, and I don’t thinks we are that unusual.)

On the subject of your current issue – if you resent this girl that much, and also resent her asking you to wear something in particular to be her bridesmaid, please tell her that you don’t want the job.  On your wedding day, you want people who love and support you standing up for you – not someone who is resentful and (yes, I agree) b*tchy about what you’ve asked them to wear, and carrying a grudge about how your relationship has gone in the past.  If you can’t let it go and be happy enough for your friend to stop trying to get back at her, you shouldn’t be her bridesmaid.  End of story.

The topic ‘To be or not to be in the wedding’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors