(Closed) To bees like me who are childfree because they have to be and it hurts

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

While I am not in your position, I do have friends who are in a similar one, she is diabetic and it’s unsafe for her to be pregnant. If your health and birth is the issue, but you still want a family and think you could take care of a child, why not consider adoption? You can still be parents without putting your health at risk with a pregnancy. 

Social media can suck and really hit hard sometimes when people are taking about things you want but don’t or can’t have. If it hurts you that much to see all the posts, you probably should take a break for your own well being, or reaize what PP’s have said and some of the comments you are seeing are kind of silly when you think about it. While I am not a mom, and do not know what it is like to love a child in that way, it’s absolutely ridiclous to say that they never knew love until they had a child. Maybe they never knew that specific kind of love, but comments that aim to invalidate other relationships with SO’s or famaily to seem extreme. 

Best of luck to you, and it would not hurt to talk to your close friends to let them know how you feel when they say these things, so at least in person they could be a little more thoughtful when choosing words. 

Post # 17
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

I am so sorry! I totally didn’t mean it in that way. I meant more that Facebook is not reality, I felt like when I was on Facebook I was communicating with people not in a reality based way – nothing to do with mental illness. I just realized for myself that Facebook was triggering really negative feelings, and I believe this can be a bad trigger for those with a mood disorder. I shouldn’t have put that right after the other sentence. I am really sorry..

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by redroses76.
Post # 18
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

Also I’m realizing my “advice” was completely unhelpful. I hope if having children is not meant to be, that you will instead get to experience something else wonderful in your life that you wouldn’t be able to if you had children. 

Post # 19
Member
5211 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
Tisa85:  Wow. You sound so wise and unselfish. It’s really refreshing.

I’m sending you all the Internet hugs. I can’t imagine how disappointed you feel! Do you have neices or nephews? Close friends with kids? I know it isn’t the same, but you can definitely get some satisfaction from being the favorite aunt and uncle the kiddos love to hang out with. I also guarantee the parents in your life would appreciate the time off!

Do you have pets? I know it isn’t the same, but it really can be a great experience. My husband and I wanted a child together, but it didn’t happen (we both have kids from prior relationships). We have two dogs though, and they really are the kids that are “ours”. They’ve brought a lot of joy to our marriage. 

Post # 20
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Also, one of my close friends has never found the right guy and is 44 and has pretty much accepted that she will not have children.  It’s 100% not what she wanted and it hurts. But she is great with kids and she and I still discuss my kids.  she has exoerience with speech issues and was a big help when my toddler was getting evaluated for speech.  She’s also an amazing aunt and very engaged in the lives of the kids from another circle of friends who all had kids.  We discuss parenting strategies that she learned from them, etc.  Just because you are not a parent doesn’t mean you can’t weigh in.  You have life experiences and you know how people like to be treated.  You were a child one too.  All of that could help you have a great solution to a parenting dilemma.  So speak up if you have an idea.

Post # 21
Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee

I’m kind of the opposite at the moment. I am bipolar 1 and my husband and I desperately want children; I’ve been medication free for over a year and I really thought I was in a good place and settled to start trying… but now I’ve come off of birth control my mood has dropped to the lowest it’s been in a long time and I truly worry about how I will cope with pregnancy and then postpartum stuff if it does end up happening… if I was with anybody other than the husband I have I don’t think I would have taken the leap. I have so much respect for you for making your decision with everybody’s interests in mind. 

Ultimately I think no matter what the outcome we will both have good and bad times regardless of the decision we have made, that’s the nature of our beast. You know what’s best for yourself and you’ve made an informed decision and none of us can tell you anything to make you feel better than you can because you know it already, better than we do… the only thing I can say is that you have to make the decision that is right for you and that sure knowledge will remain, even as the pain ebbs and flows over time. 

I’m sorry for your loss, because it is a loss you have every right to morn. x

Post # 22
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

I would really like to echo a PP’s sentiment about how selfless you are! I’m not TTC yet but I really admire your spirit. It was heartbreaking to read your post and I’m sure I don’t have the right words but I really hope you find peace in your decision. Being a parent definitely does not have to be the most someone can amount to and I wish you all the fulfillment life has to offer.

Post # 23
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I have a similar situation. I’m a cancer survivor and need to be on meds that are incompatible it’s pregnancy to prevent recurrence. I have regular periods so I believe I’m still fertile and I do hope i can take a break from my meds to get pregnant or use a surrogate but I don’t know if that would be supported. Maybe I’m the selfish one for still wanting to pursue it. But I do know that I’d be a kick ass mom and my child would be so, so loved. I would love to adopt, but having chronic health issues doesnt make one a real desirable adoptive parent. That’s one thing the “just adopt!” bridgade doesn’t seem to get.

its so hard. (((Hugs)))

Post # 25
Hostess
11050 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
Bridey77: I echo your comment regarding pets. My DH has a child from a previous marriage, we have two dogs that I guess take the place if children and I get so much joy from them, unconditional love too. 

Post # 26
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

OP my heart broke reading your first post.  My heart goes out to you.  You sound like a very intelligent, sensitive and empathetic person.  My thoughts are with you and I sincerely hope that you find some peace in this situation.  As you say in your first post, you and your husband are so lucky to have each other. Xx

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