Post # 1
I am now a Mrs. but I suppose this means I could still be a Ms.
However, I am having some roller coaster emotions about changing my last name. I have hyphenated it a few times for signature and used the husbands last name only once so far, only married nearly two weeks, this this isn’t to say I don’t like it. In fact I am not sure how I feel about it. It sounds great with his first name!
In a way I feel like I am throwing something away…something I once loved. and now, well, it feels like I am having an idenitity crisis. Am I Ms. H or Ms. H-N or Ms. N or Mrs. N?
Does anyone understand this?
A few friends of mine were so fine with changing the name, they were like, well, that is my husband name, never thought about it. or they are on their second marriage and are like, it was no big deal, people know we are family, or I love my husband, why wouldn’t I?
I know there are other posts on this and I have read a few but I am really struggling here.
Post # 3
a lot of women don’t change their names these days.
does he really want you to change your name for him? i mean if that’s the case than that’s another story. ^_^
one of my co-workers didn’t change her name till she’s about to have a baby… because she loves her last name but she wants to have the same last name as her child. *shrugs* you can always wait. ^_^
Post # 4
I’m planning on um..upgrading my last name to my middle name and taking his name as my last name. But you should do what feels right to you. I have a few friends who kept their last names after getting married and are perfectly happy with that decision. I’ve also worked with a lot of women who still used their last names at work but go by Mrs. Newlastname in their personal lives.
Post # 5
I went through the same thing, but decided ultimately that I would take his name after I made him tell me what he honestly felt – he never thought I wouldnt’ take his name, and would really like for me to have the same name as him. We’ve also discussed changing our last name to something totally different, which is a small possibility. It makes me sad a little that I’ll lose my last name, but most of my awards and degrees have that name on it so I’ll always remember who I was before I got married
Post # 6
I can definitely relate to the struggle. It’s really not a fun decision and unfortunately, there’s not a magic answer. I’m going to "hyfauxnate" my name and move my maiden name to a second middle name and take his for my last. That way I can be the simple Ms. Hislast when I need to but I can also socially go by Ms. MyLast HisLast. Good luck figuring out what you need to do. I had a really hard time working out what will be my new signature.
Post # 7
I am struggling like crazy. The wedding was more than a month ago. Finally, I decided to change, but it feels like giving in, but ultimately I want to have the same last name as my husband and children. After I decided to change it I struggled with whether to hyphenate… and now I almost cringe every time I look at the new name.
It’s not necessary, and whatever you choose will be acceptable as long as it’s what you and your husband want. I think these days it really is acceptable to have it any way.
Post # 8
Thanks for the responses.
Being the emotional girl that I am I did ask him about us getting a whole new last name or for us both to hyphenate. Not an option. He is clear about that. I either take his last name or not, however, I can hyphenate (at least for work…mostly my urging). But when I asked about him taking my last name for a hyphenated combination he was like….um, no, I like my name. Bingo! just what I wanted him to realize. He has been Basim lastname for all his 36 years and I have been Lisa lastname for 31. But now I am not sure what to do. I don’t like any of the options so much and certainly don’t want to remain as Lisa lastname as it doesn’t feel married.
I can’t believe how emotional this actually is and then it has me being weird about so many things. I am so happy to be married but I actually cried during the ceremony because it felt like I was saying goodbye to a part of me and yet I know I am hello to a whole new beginning.
Post # 9
To be perfectly honest, I have never considered changing my last name. I don’t care if others do, but I like my last name and did not change it for the last marriage and I’m not changing it for this one either.
Post # 10
I don’t plan to change my name, and while there are a ton of other reasons why, it’s partly because I do NOT want to be a Mrs. I’m not currently a Miss. My marital status is none of anyone’s business unless I choose to make it known, and I have always and will always think it’s ridiculous that women are expected to broadcast it.
Mizunoheaven, don’t force anything. There might come a time when you’re ready to use his last name (whether legally, socially, or both) or there might not. There’s nothing that says you have to decide immediately, and if it makes you miserable, I think that’s a pretty clear sign to back off it for a little while, at least. Sometimes taking a bit of time away from thinking about things is really helpful. I hope you come to an agreeable decision relatively soon, though!
Post # 11
HL- thank you!!! this is maybe the wisest thing I have read. no hurry, right?
It’s frustrating that everyone keeps asking what my new last name is…I say, um, well, it’s still currentlastname, I only got married, not enrolled in a witness protection plan or anything.
comfort…I want it to be comfortable instead of something I fell like I had to do to make people happy. and what you have shared is certainly an approach I am comfortable with.
Post # 12
"I only got married, not enrolled in a witness protection plan or anything."
Hee…that’s really funny! I totally agree that people make so many assumptions when you are getting married…and it’s really only toward women. Men don’t have to go through the same thing. I did not want an e-ring, and I can’t tell you the strange looks and comments I’ve gotten.
As for name change, I’m struggling a bit too, but most likely will bump my current last name to middle and take his. This is with the understanding that our kids will have Indian first names…so they still reflect me in their names. I struggle b/c I would like us to have the *same* name…and I actually agree that his name would sound really funny with my last name. though I think he wouldn’t really consider changing it regardless. But professionally, it’ll still be hard. Esp. b/c as a scientist my publication record is also attached to my last name. It’s possible to continue using it professionally, but can create problems for work related travel (just to make it even more confusing for you!).
I think overall, I agree with HL…if you are undecided then wait. You are married, regardless of what your name is.
Post # 13
I have been unequivocal about keeping my last name for ages. I have a great name, but more than that, it’s MY name! Anyway, I was shocked when, days after getting engaged, I casually mentioned, "Hey, you don’t mind that I’m keeping my name, do you?" and the hell gates flew open! It became a terribly unexpected issue that we could not agree on. Seriously, this is the first and most difficult thing we’ve dealt with in our relationship and I never saw it coming.
Being the amazing man he is, eventually he conceded that it was my decision to make and he would make his peace with whatever that decision is. I give him a lot of credit for this because although it’s my decision (of course it is!), it affects his life-long assumption that one day he would get married and his wife would share his name. He probably never even realized how important it was to him until I said I wouldn’t be doing it.
We’re 4 months from the wedding and I continue to think about this issue a lot. I am leaning towards adding his name to my name legally, which will give me the option to use whichever name suits the occasion. I really don’t mind being called Mr. and Mrs XX, but my lifelong identity is tied to my current name and I’m not prepared to systematically discard that piece of me.
Post # 14
I am still not sure. I am excited to be Mrs. Starfish but at the same time am very proud of my family and enjoy the Miss. Shell. I also would hate to leave off my middle name as it is a family name that was passed down and I intend to give to my first daughter. Mr Starfish is excited to have us share the same last name though, so I think I’ll just have four names and require one very long signature line!
Post # 15
Honestly, I cannot imagine changing my name. Just think about the expressions dealing with names: "making a name for yourself" or "preserving your good name." Why would I want to give up the name I’ve made for myself, or throw away my good name, if those are such good things to have in the first place? And while people talk about having "one name" for the family, that could be achieved by having the husband change his name, yet the vast majority of men never even think about changing their names. If men don’t even have to consider it, why should I?