(Closed) To confront SIL or not?

posted 4 years ago in Family
  • poll: Should I bring this up?
    Yes : (2 votes)
    2 %
    No : (105 votes)
    95 %
    Maybe, explain below : (3 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    5789 posts
    Bee Keeper

    OP, I’m glad you apologized for the bipolar remark, there is too much stigma and stereotyping attached to mental health issues. 

    As for your your relationship with your BIL’s gf, it sounds like you’re both a bit competitve and immature in your dealings with each other even if you get along for the most part. I voted ‘no’, there is already the potential for drama btw you two, no need to be the catalyst here. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    6809 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    smartsimple:  Most of this wouldn’t bother me at all – not even not receiving a congratulations.  I didn’t keep tabs but I doubt most of my husband’s brothers said a thing when we got engaged.  Didn’t cross my mind, I know they’re happy for us.  You absolutely cannot bring up her remaining seated at your wedding – she’ll either guilt you by claiming an injury or you’re just feeding into her plans to annoy you and you’re showing her it worked. 

    Honestly your best catty bet is to wait for her wedding and do the exact same thing.  She, too, cannot say a thing about it if you ruin her video by pointedly snubbing her in the exact same way.  I’m not saying it’s a good idea… it’s certainly spiteful… but I’d at least be considering it 

    Post # 33
    Member
    1149 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    OP, I would just get over it.  DH’s brother’s SIL did annoying things too during our wedding planning and afterwards.  We had a really rocky history.  I used to get annoyed too, but then I realize she’s just the way she is.  I used to want Darling Husband to tell her to stop making snide remarks about our wedding, but whatever, she’s the one that looks bad in the end, not me.  You guys get along fine, continue to do.  Be the bigger person.   Honestly, I think your SIL might actually deep down like you, but may be a little jealous of you, and like you, look for reasons to not like you.  DH’s SIL drunkenly confessed to me on several occasions that she thinks I’m great and really pretty and all that stuff, but when she’s sober, she takes random cheap jabs at me.  Go figure.  

    Post # 34
    Member
    2394 posts
    Buzzing bee

     

    View original reply
    smartsimple:  I honestly don’t see that you have anything to confront her over. 

    People like to see rings, that’s pretty normal. If you aren’t close (not even facebook friends), then why would you expect to be invited to things she’s hosting, or for her to go out of her way to congratulate you? She liked your post. What else do you expect from someone you’re not friends with?

    The bridal shower is a little odd but there are tons of reasons why she might not want to attend. Maybe she thought it was odd that she was invited, seeing as how you two aren’t close. 

    Maybe she didn’t stand at the wedding because she had a sprained ankle, or because she was feeling dizzy, or because she was sweating and had a big sweat stain on her dress. I know it’s easy to take things personally, but it sounds to me like you’re overreacting here.   

    Post # 35
    Member
    61 posts
    Worker bee

    from what it seems, i don’t think this girl had any sort of injury and that was why she didn’t stand up. if you can’t stand on your feet then you at least turn around. i just think she’s a bitch. she’s nosy. if she wanted a picture of your ring, she could easily have texted you. “but she doesn’t know her number!” people- how difficult is it for her to ask her boyfriend for their number?

    it doesn’t sem to me that you Darling Husband and Brother-In-Law are that close if he is standing in the pews with his girlfriend instead of by his side. i don’t know a single man who has a brother that wasn’t his best man. unless it was a surprise party, your Brother-In-Law should have stepped in and made sure you were invited. i’m not emotionally close to my brother and he lives 7 hours away, but i was still invited to his 30th birthday. you’d think it’s common sense.

    sadly, saying anything about this would drag you down to her level.

    i was always taught to kill them with kindness. short story- there was a chick i worked with who hated me for reasons unkown and she pressured other people on our shifts to not even speak to me. i could ask her a question and she just wouldn’t answer. one night i see her on the side of the road and turn my car around to see what was wrong. she had hit a deer and her phone died and shit was going haywire. i sat with her, gave her my phone, gave her a hug to calm her down and basically did everything i could to make sure she was okay. the next day at work, she comes up to me at work and thanks me for stopping and helping her. from then on we were friends and work was a pleasant place. -i could go on forever with more examples, but i won’t waste your time.

    moral of the story is there are crazy bitches out there and you can’t change them. BUT you can wear them down. it’s hard to be mean to someone who is always kind to you. i’ve learned from having older brothers- if you let someone get under your skin, they win. they’ll feed off of it and it’ll just get worse. you’ve gotta let it slide and that’s tough, but you’re obviously the better person if you took the time to ask someone impartial for their opinion instead of rushing over to confront her.

    while i’m saying, let it slide, i disagree with a lot of people. i do think she is being malicious with everything, but there’s no telling why. so, yes, you have the right to be upset!! just don’t let her know it. and don’t say anything about it to your Mother-In-Law anymore! she’s obviously the girl’s source of information and there’s no need to fuel the flame.

    Post # 36
    Member
    9016 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Sounds like the person causing drama here is you OP. Sounds like you are looking for reasons to dislike her.

     

    Post # 37
    Member
    1888 posts
    Buzzing bee

    It’s unfortunate that this moment happened to be captured in your wedding video, because otherwise, you never would have noticed it. You can’t insert meaning into this. I’m sure there were other moments in your video when people were behaving awkwardly; who knows what was going through her mind.

    A confrontation would escalate the situation, it wouldn’t clear the air. YOU would sound like the high-maintenance and crazy one.

    Post # 38
    Member
    2124 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Honestly, ignore her and move on with your life. You can’t change your wedding video, so you’re not going to achieve anything by calling her out on it. She sounds rude and pathetic, but don’t stoop. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    589 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I agree with everyone else, you just need to get over it. DH’s brother didn’t say anything to us when we got engaged, bought our house, didn’t even come to our wedding and didn’t congratulate us when we got pregnant. During my whole pregnancy he never said anything to either Darling Husband or me about the baby and barely acknowledges her now that she’s here. Is it massively disrespectful and upsetting to DH? Of course. But it isn’t worth starting shit over and so we just keep cordial with him and don’t bother starting any drama. You’re entitled to feel upset (although I think you’re reading too much into some things) but nothing will be accomplished from saying anything. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee

    I think if it really bothers you, then you should bring it up! This person is potentially going to be in your life forever and you will have their wedding to go through, holidays, babies! I think to each their own on how they handle things, but I know I would just want to be like “Look, I’ve been getting a weird vibe and I wanted to make sure everything is okay”

    Post # 41
    Member
    99 posts
    Worker bee

    > It would be more like”hey, I noticed in my wedding video that you did not stand up as we were walking in while everybody else was, I just thought it was a bit rude and disrespectful”.

    Just… wow. No. Not only is that a super weird thing to say to someone, but there is absolutely no possible way that that will end well.

    You really want to bring it up, upload the video to social media and tag her.

    I’m kidding! Don’t do that either.

    Post # 42
    Member
    1261 posts
    Bumble bee

    Look, you never know what’s really going on with someone, and bringing this up would just make you look petty. I wouldn’t give it another thought. For all you know she was suffering bad cramps and didn’t stand for that reason. Not worth worrying about this.

    Post # 43
    Member
    6347 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

    You choosing to feel disrespected and devoting so much time and energy to dissect your SIL’s behavior makes you part of the problem, sadly.  Just get over with the drama and focus on your marriage.  That is what you should be devoting your time to.

    Post # 44
    Member
    255 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    smartsimple:  I have to deal with someone very similar. What I have found works well is just kill them with kindness. Let her be as rude as ever. In the end if you continue to be kind, respectful and good her flaws will shine. If you confront her she’s probably going to say something that’s going to push you over the edge and you’re going to end up saying something rude and she will milk that forever. So, in my opinion I would just kill her with kindness. Seems she’s jealous of you in my opinion.

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