Post # 1
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
I mentioned this in a post a few months back but anyway…. Before Darling Husband I was basically married to dance… but since moving to a new country and being unemployed and wanting to spend as much time with Darling Husband as possible, I hardly ever go anymore.
Recently, the novelty of living together has been starting to wear off and I’m re-finding some independance…. I’ve started going once a week and have begun meeting some local dancers… nearly making friends, which I’ve desparately need to do, and so I’ve been encouraged by those dancers to start going twice a week…. which I’d really love to.
Thing is, Darling Husband has band twice a week, including tonight, and if I go out tonight we will have gone from 9am – 11pm without seeing each other…. He is discouraging me (being sad) from going because I was out last night, but he was at band the night before…. the problem is that our hobbies are timed so we miss each other, and the fact that we end up missing dinner together makes it a lot worse from his perspective.
Should I feel bad for going out twice a week, just because its an evening hobby? He leaves me for several hours 2-3 times a week, he just doesn’t miss meals. I’ve tried inviting him to come with me, but thats not happening.
Thoughts? Thanks!
Post # 3
Member
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
You should absolutely go to dance!
I think it is really important that people in couples have their own personal hobbies / activities / time / etc for doing things that they (as an individual) enjoy. It is important to have some things that are just for you, independent from your husband.
Post # 4
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
I agree, I find couples bond better, enjoy the time they DO have together when both individuals are able to actively persue what they are interested in.
I have 2 horses, I ride 2 nights a week and sometimes once on the weekend.
Darling Husband plays hockey Wed nights, and Friday mornings. Typically, I go riding Wed night (am home just before he leaves usually) and either Mondays or Thursdays. By the time we are both done it does crunch down on our time together – BUT… in saying that, I think we’re happier because of it. We really appreciate those few nights that we have together when we have no plans and can just “hang out”.
We really enjoy our own little hobbies and interests, and figure we might as well do as much as we can before we have kids of our own that will take even more time away from what we love to do.
So – i say, go dance!!!! :):)
Post # 5
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
I sympathize – my hubby travels for work a lot so he likes when I do stuff when he is gone, but is jealous of my time if he’s in town and I have plans.
In your case, I’d say go for it but try to balance by saying you’ll make up for it by going out to dinner or a movie a different night so you have some time to do separate things and time to focus on each other.
Post # 6
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
GO dance!!!
I ride 4x a week, and by husband coaches university level hockey, 3-4 practices, typically 2 games a week. We still see each other and find time together, and even have one whole night (lol, I am mocking our busy life!) where we don’t have anything. I stopped riding after losing my horse and only recently got back in the saddle, and while I don’t know how I found the time, I am SO happy I did find riding again for so many reasons.
Post # 7
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Is it possible to come home and have dinner with Darling Husband and then go dance?
I think you should pursue your hobbies and dance, but I think what’s most important is striking a compromise you both feel good about.
Post # 8
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
For the sake of your sanity and for a happy marriage keep your independence and Dance! You need couple time but Me time is also important!
Post # 9
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
I am attempting to compromise by planning to get to the dance half an hour late, and leaving half an hour early (only being there for an hour each night) and so my hope is he will get home from band by half 8 and we can fit dinner in there…. unfortunately other members are always late to band so sometimes he doesn’t get home till 9… we still have two work nights together and the weekend (except he tries goes out and do his other hobby one of those days till mid afternoon….. not every week though)
Heh, I’m currently dressed and ready to go, telling myself I’m going even if he gets here and gives me a sad face (or is really quiet and gets a little grumpy because he’s not a total fan of me dancing with other guys)…. I’m hoping that if I stick to my guns he will become used to it and we will both be happy…..
Post # 10
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
Plan a weekly date night that cant be touched, but go to dance! We have the same problem with schedules not being in synch between my grad school, workout classes and volunteering. But we try to plan at least two or three evenings or events where “us” time cant be touched.
Post # 11
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
Absense makes the heart grow fonder. Pursue your passions or you will resent him later. He’s pursuing his without any contention from you.
Post # 12
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
Definitely go out. If it’s a weekly issue, alternate who has to give up a hobby day/night per week in favor of ‘couple time’. You shouldn’t be the one to always have to compromise on your hobbies.
Post # 13
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
So you’re supposed to sit at home alone tonight because he did it yesterday? That is not fair. You should try to dance when he is at band, but if it can’t be helped, then it can’t be helped.
Go dance! Start having breakfast, lunch, or a coffeebreak with your husband on the eveningings you’ll miss each other for dinner.
Post # 14
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
Was so ready to go…. but he was clearly more upset than usual about me leaving, and made the point that next week he is out of town for work… and in my trying to explain why it was so important to go twice this week (and any other week), and why dancing can’t just be replaced by another hobby he would be more comfortable with (yeah, he kinda said he wished I had another hobby…. really dislikes the “other-guy” factor) I ran out of time, and decided I’ll go while he’s away next week, and try harder to ease his mind for the following week.
I just can’t leave the house when something is clearly upsetting him – even if I think he needs to get over it, it paralyzes me. I’m just like that, I can’t handle thinking I’ve caused anyone to be upset.
I asked if he could think of a compromise, and he couldn’t except he’d prefer if it was a different day of the week so we could have some time together, but its just not a different day of the week, and him practicing band any less/different days doesn’t work because of the other guys’ schedules.
I’ve tried many times to talk to him about all of this, and I thought he was becoming less-bothered, but it seems he just was growing tired of talking about it and felt he had nothing new to say.
So frustrating.
Post # 15
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
Yeah, thats not right at all.
I do think you did well in not leaving the argument to go dance because leaving issues un solved is never good, but you do need him to understand that you will have your hobbies and he will have his, and neither should have to quit. He wants to go to his band thing, and he’s not compromising. It’s not fair and it’s hurtful to your relationship, he can’t ask you to stay because he wants to be with you and then he goes to band?
You need this to feel better about yourself, to find friends, to be happy. Try it for a few weeks in a row, both of you do your things and see each other when you can, and figure out how you both feel. I you need more time together, both must compromise.
You also said that “other days don’t work for the other guys”, but these days don’t work anymore for Darling Husband so they can all sit down and see what they can change. It might not be perfect for all of them, but this isn’t perfect for your SH so I don’t get the difference..
Good luck!
Post # 16
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
I mentioned this on another thread, and I think it applies here as well. I think its fair that you get your 2 days a week, just like him. Sucks its not the same nights, but the fact that you get one weekday night and the weekends means that you get a good amount of time to spend with each other. I think you should definitely get your nights out, and stick to your guns. As long as you both make an effort to spend some time together on the nights that you do have, then he needs to deal with you spending some time away
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