(Closed) To Discourage or Encourage His Play Time?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Personally I think this is the one time in yours and his life where you can be selfish. He can be selfish and spend time on baseball and you can be selfish and do what you want. You shouldn’t be covering his shifts, he is an adult and right now he is taking advantage of you.

You guys are still quite young and it is important to take the time in college to utilize your independence and find yourself.

I have been with my Darling Husband for 8 years, since right after our first year of university, and that first 4 years we were together but we very much did things independently. Eventually we moved in together, then bought a house, then got engaged and finally got married; however, we needed to have more independence in those first years to get where we are now.

If I were you I would stop letting him taking advantage of you and stop covering his shifts but at the same time I would let him be independent and spend the time he needs on baseball. Stopping him from doing what he wants now will lead to resentment later!

You mentioned that you don’t want to be the only one bringing in money for the both of you. Do You already share finances?

Post # 4
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If I was in your position I would definitely look for another job and let him suffer the consequences of that.  I mean, definitely talk to him about it first and state your case – but you shouldn’t be responsible for picking up his slack, and he should find a job that suits his lifestyle more appropriately, where he can fulfil his obligations (maybe something in baseball – since he’s there 2-7 hours a day anyway, maybe he could be a equipment manager or groundskeeper as well?).  i certainly don’t think either of you should be putting restrictions on each other at this stage, as Future Mrs. Martin said you’re young and this is your time to be selfish. 

Good luck!  Is there any chance of your SO going pro?  I had to go through a stage with my then SO, now fiance where he was confident he’d be able to play a sport pro or at least semi-pro, and his dream got dashed…it was very hard on him and on us.  hope that won’t be an issue for you guys.

Post # 8
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

Does he play for the college team or is this just a group of friends?

The answer to that would influence my answer

Post # 9
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Kat:If he’s on the college team–that could actually lead to more, and you need to let him practice.


Find your own hobby to keep yourself busy so you don’t get frustrated that he has an outside interest and you don’t.

Post # 11
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

in terms of the “more” that ellabee mentioned, it could be something very tangible in terms of networking and making contacts that will lead to better job leads opportunities once you guys both graduate because alums/former players will prob be more likely to help him out. and the team work/dedication/discipline of being part of the team might look better on his resume than a paid job in the retail or service industry (you didn’t say what your job is, but since you say it’s shift work, i’m assuming it’s that kind of work, rather than an internship or something more professional?). you seem to be thinking of baseball as his “hobby,” but it might actually be a real investment in his future, even if he doesn’t go in to anything sports-related. if you two are really scrapped for cash, that’s one thing, but otherwise i wouldn’t discourage him from being on the team. though i wouldn’t keep covering for him either, if he doesn’t care enough about the job to work his scheduled hours, he needs a different job.

Post # 12
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My opinion:

He is a sophomore in college, therefore his priorities should be school, then collegiate sports, then work. He will have the next 40 years of his life where his priority will be work, so this is not the time to make him give up his passion (which you admit he will only get to play for a few more years).

But I think it was a good idea to take yourself out of the situation by putting in your two weeks. You have to set your boundaries early in a relationship. If you show him now that you are willing to give up your life and free time to cover him whenever he isn’t willing to step up to his responsibilities, it will continue into the future.

You are at a time in your lives when most people figure out how to balance responsibilities. They no longer have parents telling them to do their homework, or to be home by a certain time. You need to let him learn how to do this on his own, and not start taking on the role of his “parent”.

Post # 13
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yes, he can be making legitimate connections through baseball, or he’s simply having fun.  That’s not the point the OP is making, it’s that she’s been covering for him when he bails on other commitments he’s made.  I’m with you OP, even if you think baseball will open doors for you, I think you always follow through on your commitments, like work.  I don’t know how you slid into picking up his shift, whether that was more on your shoulders for volunteering or his for expecting you to cover him, but I’m glad it’s ending.  I also think that you should separate finances while you both have very different idea of how they ought to be treated and prioritized. 

Post # 14
16 posts

It’s not fair that your shared boss is holding you accountable for his shifts. If that’s the case, your bf needs to own up and take on his shifts. Putting that extra burden on you isn’t cool, imho.

Post # 15
2260 posts
Buzzing bee

I can totally understand him wanting to have fun and being passionate about his sports but I think he needs to learn some responsibility. You are picking up a lot of his slack and that really isn’t fair to you. I’m sure you could think of many other ways you could spend your time instead of taking his shifts.

I really hope you can find a job elsewhere (especially since you already gave your notice) but maybe suggest he tries to find a new one too. This way he could find something that fits into his schedule better since you’re no longer obligated to take his shifts; I wouldn’t want you to be placed in a finanical bind if he does end up getting fired.


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