Post # 1
SO really upset me last night.
He is a very goal oriented person and has a lot going on in his life (I posted about his recent venture into politics a few weeks ago). I have tried to be understanding and patient. He often seems preoccupied when he is with me and I get the feeling he “pencils me in” rather than spends quality time with me, especially lately. I have brought this up to him and he reassures me each time that he loves me so much and that it is just a busy time in his life right now, I am a priority, etc. The issue is, I do not feel like a priority lately. I feel like he just pacifies me with that line, to be honest and last night really threw me over the edge.
Earlier in the day yesterday I mentioned my close childhood friend, who he has never met, was coming for dinner and I wanted him to finally meet her. At first he agreed but a short while later he said he was invited to an event (political) and that is would only be a couple hours and he would come right over afterwards to spend some time with me. After the event he called me and told me he was grabbing a quick drink and bite to eat and would be over in a half hour or so. An hour and a half later, I had not heard from him and just messaged him not to bother and that I would just go to bed. Another hour goes by and now I am fuming… I messaged him that it would have been nice if he took 30 seconds out of his important night to give me a call and at least tell me he wasn’t coming. He eventually responds with I love you I am sorry, I got tied up with xyz (big important night….. what else is new). I told him I didn’t care and I was done with the excuses. At 1:30 AM (hours later!) he texts me I love you. His night was clearly so important that he couldn’t find a second to break the plans, chat with me… nothing.
The thing that absolutely sucks is that he is a goal oriented, generally sweet guy who does a lot for me and has made me pretty happy. In a lot of ways we balance eachother out. It isn’t that I think he is out cheating on me either, I just think he is a big dreamer and a goal chaser and he has never really had a serious relationship before because his career has always been number 1. I just feel like if I let these incidences slide, it will set the tone for him making a habit of blowing me off! I don’t expect him to move mountains for me, I just really want to feel like the man I love CARES about me. I am sick over it.
I don’t want to tolerate feeling alone and unimportant when I am in a relationship but I also don’t want to lose a good man. So……would you break up with him?
This topic was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by DariaVixen.
Post # 2
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle
Honestly, I think that you will always have to compete for attention with his career. You will have to be the one to decide if it is worth it or not to you… but I wouldn’t expect him to change. Look at what his actions say versus what his words say. Actions speak louder than words, and he is telling you his career trumps all.
Post # 3
I was going to say the same thing, actions speak louder than words. Listen to your gut. Good luck OP.
Post # 4
Don’t focus on whether he’s a “good man”, focus on whether he is the right man for you. I know plenty of decent guys whom I’d never be compatible with in a relationship. It sounds like his career is a priority, and being driven can be a great quality for someone to have. But, it sounds like you value a relationship with more work/life balance and you’re not getting that with him. If this is his first serious relationship, it’s still a learning experience for him too. I personally wouldn’t break up with him right away, but I would continue sitting down with him and communicating these concerns. Maybe he will realize that he wants to keep this relationship strong and will take action. If he doesn’t, then that’s your sign that this isn’t the relationship for you.
Post # 5
DariaVixen: That sucks a lot 🙁 Hard to say that your future together will get better because it only seems to get more complicated and “busy” in politics.
I might sugguest a break- when he finds more time in his life to make you a priority then he can call you. If you are free and interested then maybe you can give it another go.
During the break don’t sit around waiting and wondering if he’s going to come around or if he’s thinking about you- go out with your friends, go to the gym, join a club, do something else that keeps you occupied. If you meet someone interesting and new, don’t hesitate to give them a go.
Your SO has to know that you aren’t going to wait around forever to become a priority in his life.
Post # 6
Yup, right now his #1 priority in life is his career to the point of blowing off his relationship.
I’ve always been goal/career oriented but I make a concentrated effort to not let it overtake my life. I don’t “pencil” my SO in, but make it a priority to spend time with him. It’s possible but for whatever reason, your guy hasn’t found that balance yet.
I really feel that if you felt like you needed to make a post asking whether or not you have to break up with him you kind of have your answer.
Post # 7
DariaVixen: You might just need to decide if you want to take a back seat to his career and learn to accept it. It may always come first like I imagine a lot of politicians lives go. You haven’t been dating terribly long either.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
“He makes me pretty happy” is telling.
Post # 9
Do not stay with him if you are not 100% okay with who he is NOW. Then you will know your answer.
Post # 10
It sounds like he’s in a place in his life where he feels his career needs to come first. There is nothing wrong with that, but it sounds like you two aren’t compatible when it comes to the time and energy you want ot put towards your relationship. Neither of you is wrong, you just don’t have the same views.
You need to decide, if nothing changes, can you be happy? If the answer is no, then I say leave. Hanging on in hopes he’ll change a fundamental part of who he is is a waste of time.
Post # 11
I’m going to assume that you are a priority for him, he’s just not realising how badly he’s mishandling his priorities.
Have you guys actually talked about what being a priority looks like? As in, sat down, without anger and discussed what you each think is appropriate behaviour in work vs relationship commitments? You need to spell out that he needs to call you X times during a work function, or that you want to schedule X “only us” times during the week or whatever your rules may be.
To play devil’s advocate it’s not as if you’d set this dinner up weeks ago. You told him on the day of, actually you “mentioned” it to him. Mentioning something is a lot more casual than specifically asking him to be somewhere for something that is important to you. You know that he is driven; you know that he is goal orientated, you are going to have to lose some of the spontaneity in your relationship if you want this to work. If you really want him home/at dinner/whatever on a certain day, then you need to schedule it. Share a Google/Outlook calendar with each other and send him meeting requests when things like this come up.
If he still doesn’t make the effort, then you really aren’t on his priority list.
Post # 12
DariaVixen: I disagree with those saying that his career will always come first, but maybe that’s because I can relate to you, and it did change for me. DH, when we were dating, would pretty much pencil me in. He would say he’d call me and hours would go by where I didn’t hear anything, all because he was busy at school (which I later found out were watching You Tube videos to get inspiration for new pieces, so it wasnt correcting papers or anything like that). I’d get tired of waiting, so I’d text him goodnight, and then he’d call. I tried of that game and told him that I was not going to answer him at absurd hours of the night.
It continued when we got engaged. He wouldn’t come home until 10 at night some nights. Finally we had a discussion about priorities. I told him he did not have to schedule everything around me, but he should be home at a decent time so we can spend some time together. We agreed that 6 was appropriate. It gave him 3 hours after school to work on projects and finish things up. We agreed that if one of us was going to be late, we’d text each other. We both stuck by it, and eventually by settings all these expectations with each other, the problem went away.
DH understand the importance of family time and being home on time so he doesn’t miss moments. I support his career, I attend all of his concerts/functions, and I made sure he knew I would always support him, but I also make sure he knows that his family is more important.
Post # 13
megz06: Thank you for sharing your story.
Post # 14
Everdeen: I appreciate you playing devil’s advocate in your response and it does make a difference that it was casually mention vs. scheduled ahead of time. I appreciate the advice.
Post # 15
Thanks to those who responded. I like to read a collection of different opinions before I make decisions/react. I find it therapeutic.
He is very apologetic, admits it was rude and inconsiderate and says it will never happen again.
I love him, so I decided to take his word and if it happens again I will have my answer… but I am still aggravated. I won’t be seeing him for a few days, I think I would like some space to cool down and see him next on my terms.
Enjoy your day, bees.