- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
I will try to make this succinct, but it’s a little compicated but I’m desperate for advice. I hope I am posting correctly because I am new. Sorry that this is long.
My fiance have been together for 11 1/2 years. We got engaged last November. We have had our difficult times but I felt like we always belonged together. About 4 years ago, he came home and told me that he lost his job, and he was especially upset because he wanted to get engaged soon. Three years later, he still did not ask me (understandable as I became chronically ill and we moved home to be with my parents as extra support). My parents began to express their unhappiness that we were living there and not engaged. We had been living there for a year at this point. During that year, I we talked aobut getting engaged but to no avail. Finally, my mother basically said we would need to move out if we were not getting engaged. I told him this and he pretty much asked for my hand in marriage to my parents in the next couple of weeks then proposed a month after. He did not buy a “real” gold engagement ring and instead proposed with a sterling silver cubic zirconia under the premise that he wanted to pick one out with me. I chose one and left the decision up to him but christmas came and no ring. Btw, nearly a year later, no ring. After the engagement, he would ask uninterested in setting a date, or when we talked about it with family he would try to act too cool, or uninterested (he likes to buck the “normal” things). Setting a date was difficult and talking about planning the wedding was difficult and often ended up with us arguing. Finally, this late summer I wanted to break up. I told him that he made me feel unimportant and that I didn’t feel he was the right one as I deserved to be treated better and he doesn’t seem very greatful to be with me. He begged and cried and told me he would change etc etc. I agreed to stay until mid november, when I would have to make my decision because I dont want to deal with Christmas crap with the family.
I feel that I can get over the mistakes and arguments that we have had, but I realized tonight that I have a great deal of resentment about the way he treated our engagement ie. setting the date, the ring, talking about with family. He made me feel so cheap and unimportant. Here I am promising to give the rest of my life and devotion to this guy and somehow he finds it so difficult to set a date etc. It sounds like he doesn’t love me and that I am forcing him to marry me or something but he is very much in love with me and has his own issues about marriage (his parents divorced when he was young and has a lot of baggage ie. anti marriage).
I am very angry about my hand in marriage treated so plainly. I just feel like: tough luck! You screwed it up! But I think that’s a lot of my ego. I just think that there would be a lot of guys would have loved to be in his position. All the problems we have and the differences we have also come to the forefront. ie. he likes to stay up late and watch tv everynight and I don’t, or that he is very frugal etc. I give a million reasons why we shouldn’t be together and he just keeps coming back with how can change etc. (To his credit, he does, slowly though)
Finally, I do not feel connected with him when we kiss or have sex any longer. I feel like i want to, but something is missing. I feel a lack of trust in him and I don’t know if I can get it back. I have been trying, but I feel really angry. Part of me feels like I just want to move on with my life. In addition to the pain, we own properties together as well
I used to feel like I could still be in love with him with everything we’ve gone through, but the way he treated our engagement I feel was the icing on the cake! We also had a huge argument in August about him bascially treating me like I had to clean up after him etc. because he works and I don’t (I am a student).
I feel confused because I don’t know if I am being too demanding. He is very loyal to me, has supported me through school, helps me pursue my dreams, can be a good provider, is interesting, and has been my best friend. But in the realm of some things he just seems to screw it up. Please help. Any advice is welcome. Sorry again that this is long.