(Closed) To end or not- Engagement after 11 years together

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Caturday:  

About this:

I think it’s a little mean for you to feel resentful towards him in regards to the engagement/wedding because he was literally forced into proposing….

It’s legally impossible to force a grown man to propose in a free country.

Not unless you put a gun to his head or dragged him off to solitary confinement and withheld food from him until he proposed…. 

You have a right to speak up and don’t let anyone guilt trip you for doing that.

You already gave him 11 years. It’s not necessary to sit by passively and give him another 80 years to find out if he’ll follow through the day before you die, just so you won’t be accused of “forcing” him to propose. Good grief. 

And just because he has some good qualities doesn’t mean that you have to hang around forever in a relationship that is not leading in the direction of YOUR goal: Marriage. You are allowed to have a dream and go for it. 

There are plenty of women who will stick around for years (or even decades — based on a couple of the responses here) in a relationship that is not headed toward marriage. If you’re not on board with that, you don’t need to apologize for it.

OP, I am sorry you are dealing with this but I agree with PP that some lessons are learned the hard way. And it sounds like you are learning a very hard lesson. I have been there and have come out on the other side in a much better relationship. Miles better. Galaxies and universes better. Don’t settle for crumbs when you still have your whole life in front of you. 

 

Post # 34
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Things like this are so hard to talk about because theres no right or wrong answer.  Relationships go through ups and downs – that is normal.  Someone told me a long time ago that when you really love someone their flaws aren’t really flaws, they are simply what makes that person who they are.  On the other hand only you know when you need a change.  I would just be careful with the ‘other guy’ situation.  New people always seem exciting and great on the surface, but they are flawed, we all are.

Post # 36
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

I would have walked a LONG  time ago.  In my opinion no one needs 11’years to decide if they want to spend the rest of their life with you ( ie married). Some guys don’t want to commit and yet they don’t want to be alone.  I say move on and find someone who loves you and can commit to to liFe you want 

Post # 37
Member
11528 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@Caturday:  “I just feel bonded to him in a soul-like way.”

What an amazingly  insightful statement you have just made.

You feel this way, because you are

I know that Weddingbee is an extremely diverse community and that most of the bees do not share the Biblically based, Christian world view that I hold. Although I respect the rights of others to hold whatever views they choose and to live their lives according to their own convictions, as a strong Christian, I will tell you that I believe that you have indeed established a soul tie to this man due to the nature of your relationship with him, as well as the duration of that relationship.

HOWEVER — and this is very important, that does not mean that such a tie is good or right for either of you (because, from all that you’ve described, I do not believe that it is) or that this bond cannot be broken (because it absolutely can.)

When people become involved and invested in a relationship that imitates many of the intimacies (physically and emotionally) of marriage but is not a marriage, it can create many complications, and I believe that you’re experiencing some of them right now.

I strongly encourage you not to allow the intertia of what HAS BEEN — and what IS — to convince you what SHOULD BE or WILL BE.  

Post # 38
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Sounds like your guy knew he had a good thing (food and shelter while jobless) and did what he had to do to keep it.  He proposed to you in order to keep a roof over his head and food in his stomach.  Otherwise, he would’ve been homeless, right? 

 

And why would you be living with your parents for a year?  I know the economy is rough but he wasn’t willing to work 2 jobs to afford rent, etc.?  And he didn’t have any savings to dip into temporarily? 

 

If your parents had not put the engagement condition on him, would he have proposed to you by now?  Especially with his marriage issues?

 

Post # 40
Member
3661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@Caturday:  I don’t have any real answers. But I suspect your marriage to him would look very much like your relationship now. Getting married IS important if it is important to you, but what if he does that–gets married to you–how does that change his basic way of relating to you?

Post # 41
Member
3661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@Caturday:  I don’t have any real answers. But I suspect your marriage to him would look very much like your relationship now. Getting married IS important if it is important to you, but what if he does that–gets married to you–how does that change his basic way of relating to you?

Post # 43
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@Caturday:  Thanks for the clarification re. the home issue.  Now, would he have proposed if your parents hadn’t put that stipulation on him?  I think the question you need to ask yoursef is are you ok with not being married to him and just continuing things the way they are?  Kind of “common law” married? 

Post # 45
Member
11528 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@Caturday:  “I feel that if we were married this would be much much simpler. I would automatically choose to work on this and things would be much easier for me mentally. As it is, the factor of the ultimate commitment of marriage has not been made and thus, I feel I should leave if it is meant to be that way vs. working on it if we were married already.”

I continue to be impressed by the depth of your insight into what is not at all an easy situation. You once again have hit the nail on the head: If you were married, this would be an entirely different situation.  You would already have made that lifetime commitment, and, based on having done so, you would choose to do whatever you could now to work on your relationship to make it work.

However, because you have not made that commitment, and you are not married, you have no obligation whatsoever to remain in this relationship.  In fact, you owe it to yourself, your current Fiance, and your potential future spouses — if they are not each other — to make a very wise decision regarding your future, even if that is the hardest decision either of you has ever had to make.

I’m much older than many of you, and I’ve been around long enough to see two of the major relationship pitfalls that often ensnare couples:  The first is investing in a relationship (emotionally, physically, financially, geographically, etc.) above and beyond the level of commitment that has been made.  The second is in failing to honor a marriage commitment once it has been made, if and when it does not live up to their expectations.

Ending a wrong relationship and breaking an engagement (I’ve done both) can be among the most difficult things we ever do in our lives, because, usually, the person whom we are with has many positive traits, and the relationship has some virtues, or we would not have chosen to date (or say yes to a proposal from) the individual in the first place.  However, settling for what others may tell us (and what we may tell ourselves) is probably “good enough” is often the enemy of making the more difficult choice to wait for something that may still be unseen.

Post # 46
Member
42 posts
Newbee

I think u should let him know about this and give him one last chance. U seems care enough to write about this and went to counciling didn’t you, right?

 

 

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