(Closed) to forgive or not to forgive

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

Why can’t he speak to her? Because they have history?

 

Post # 4
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

View original reply
hurtwife:  He was drunk and hurting, I would say this one incident is forgivable. He even showed you the record and didn’t hide it.

I’m more concerned as to why he even remained in contact with her at all for so long if she was so toxic? It doesn’t sound like they have a child together, so what gives?

Post # 5
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Well for one thing, I’m wondering why you’re telling a grown man who he can and can’t talk to, checking his calls and communications, and then going out of your way to contact her to tell her to stop talking to your husband. On the one hand, he shouldn’t want to communicate with this ex out of respect for you, but on the other, the fact that you are being so controlling may make him want to do it more (plus he knows he has to hide it from you because you’d for sure be upset with him if you knew).

Are the messages romantic? 

Post # 6
Member
2159 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’d forgive him.. like.. it seems he’s pretty transparent with you and unless the content of their messages is sexua, romantic or somehow inappropriate I dont think it’s a big deal and he should be able to talk to whoever he wants to talk to. He’s a grown man.. if he has toxic people in his life that’s on him to sort out. I don’t really see the issue.

Post # 7
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Have you approached him about it?  What did he say?

Post # 8
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

I just think it’s a little odd that you have to tell your grown man of a husband who he can and can’t talk to.

Like you fully check his phone bill, it doesnt sound like the recipe for a healthy relationship. 

If he hasnt stopped talking to her by now, he probably never will

Post # 9
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

 

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Post # 10
Member
2505 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
hurtwife:  I would forgive him. It seems like he’s been nothing but honest with you. A 23 minute phone call could be anything, it could be him venting about how hurt he was, it could be him explaining to her why he wants to cut her off and make it work with you. It shouldn’t matter anyway.

I wouldn’t hold this against him.

Post # 11
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

 

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janedw:  Dont know why my last message didn’t show. Anyway, would you be comfortable with your man/husband speaking to someone who claims she still loves him and encourages him to have conversations behind is woman/wife’s back?

Post # 12
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

‘his’

Post # 13
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

To the people who say she can’t tell a grown man who he can and can’t talk to, please remember that everyone has different boundaries and comfort zones regarding communication with exes. The OP clearly stated hers–as a requirement of entering into a relationship with her–BEFORE their relationship started. And her BF agreed to this. So, yes, it is shitty to agree to do something and then back out once you have gotten the other person invested in the relationship. If he had told her at the beginning that he wouldn’t/couldn’t end communication with this ex, the OP would not have agreed to date him. Which she would have had every right to do since those were HER boundaries. 

OP, this guy sounds like trouble. It is concerning that he started drinking again as soon as you were out of the picture. That makes it seem as though he is not committed to sobriety for HIMSELF but just to please you. And unless a person is quitting because they want sobriety for THEMSELVES, it will never last. 

I think there are a lot of red flags in this relationship. I’m sure you love him, but an addict is an addict for life. He may start drinking again later. And a lot of times other behaviors (and friends/exes) who are associated with the drinking will pop back up into his life once he does start drinking again. It seems that that’s what happened this time. 

Be careful and please do what’s best for YOU, OP. 

Post # 14
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Butterfly6:  No I wouldn’t, but as an adult and as my husband I would expect him to not talk to her on his own volition. And I would trust him to do so. I would not check his phone bill, and if I was with someone who I didnt trust to the point that I did check his bill… I wouldnt be with him. 

Post # 15
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Does this other woman intimidate you in some way? I can’t understand why this would bother you so much, unless deep down you believe your husband may have feelings for her still. 

It’s odd that she would continue to try to be in his life if she didn’t believe just the slightest bit he wants her there, and allows this behavior from her. 

If I didn’t want someone to contact me anymore I would change my number and block theirs. 

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