(Closed) to forgive or not to forgive

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 33
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I would never contact someone’s ex, even to say to back off. If he can’t handle that on his own and you can’t trust him you have bigger issues. I do think you should let this go. He was drinking and upset and didn’t really hide it from you since he asked you to check his phone bill. I think you need to stop with the checking his phone and listening in on phone calls. You need to learn to trust him to handle this on his own. You’ll drive yourself crazy worrying about this all the time.

Post # 34
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Why is her number not blocked? sorry not sorry but I don’t agree with the majority of women on this thread, I would be livid with my husband if I found out he was talking to an ex while we were fighting. Hell no. It sounds like you have grounds to be worried that there was cheating involved, being that she’s been consistently inappropriate and your husband is a drunk. I don’t agree that he seems “honest and transparent”, hes just an alcoholic. Hope things get better but I would run fast from this relationship. 

Post # 35
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
hurtwife: Is he willing to seek help for his alcoholism? I don’t think the issue with the toxic ex can be properly sorted out until he’s willing to seek proper help for his problem and makes a commitment to sobriety. I’m sorry, this just sounds like a mess. I get not wanting to be around someone who drinks to excess and I get needing a week apart because of it.

Post # 37
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
hurtwife:  You might want to consider becoming the woman who tells your husband that his (possible) alcoholism is ruining your marriage. He’s not coming to the conclusion on his own and whats the alternative? This vicious cycle continues until one of you files for divorce..?

I would have a frank conversation with him about what you need from him to continue the marriage and see where it goes. Good luck with therapy and I hope you can surround yourself with friends and or family for your birthday to take your mind off of this.

Post # 38
Member
895 posts
Busy bee

Your husband is an alcoholic. I will tell you why I think so. First off I was married to one.

He quit for you but when he separates from you he goes on a binge. Binging is no different from a guy who gets dog drunk every day. 

Next he text and calls a woman who he clearly knows is toxic. He either likes the drama which can be another high when not drinking or his drinking is so outta control he doesnt care. Which is just as bad. 

Someone who binges drinks will often times pick fights so they have a “valid” excuse to leave and get their fix.

You say he is drunk now ans unreasonable. If you do forgive him then you need to recognize that he is an alcoholic and will need professional help or your going to be living this way for the rest of your life.

Post # 39
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’m troubled by all the references to him showing you his phone, giving you his password so you can check his bills, and putting calls on speakerphone so you can hear the conversation. Did you really not ask him to do any of those things? In my experience, people don’t normally offer up that level of transparency unless they know a controlling partner will eventually force them to do it anyway, and have learned that it is better to give up their privacy up front than to risk a blow up. Only you two know whether it was truly his choice to stop speaking with his ex altogether, and to what extent he feels monitored by you or resentful about what it means that you have this level of veto power over even a text message. But if there is an element of control here, consider whether that could be driving an urge to escape or act out on his part.

If you two are able to move past this incident and heal, maybe you could revisit the “verbal contract” he made in order to be in a relationship with you. Who knows – if you say you trust him enough not to talk to his ex again that you don’t need him to turn over his communications anymore and don’t consider it to be a hard rule anymore, he may never have any desire to return her messages again. And if she never triggers a reaction from you again – yelling into the phone or messaging her on facebook – she may lose her motivation to start conversations with him in the first place.

Post # 40
Member
621 posts
Busy bee

OP, I am on your side on this one. Ofc he shouldn’t talk to anyone if that could, in any way, be hurtful to you. In a healthy rrelationship you respect each others feelings, and she doesn’t seem to be anyone important in his life, so no, there is no reason for him to keep her there. And yes, it sounds like he was respecting you while being sober, but not when he was alone and drunk. I don’t know what I would do. I would be very hurt, and maybe not get over it. I am a very forgiving person, but I am not sure that I would be able to trust him again, even if I had forgiven him.  I would also not feel very sure about if they only “talked” or if there was anything else going on? Since he was, apparently, capable of lying about it, why wouldn’t he be capable of lying about the details that you didn’t find out yourself.

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