(Closed) To get married in a church, or not?

posted 3 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 2
2481 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Well this may be an old-fashioned view but personally, I think both parties need to be committed to having a church wedding. While I’m not a Christian, I respect people who are (and indeed people of all faiths!) and I’ve always felt that making religious vows should be meaningful. Not done in order to avoid family arguments. Your FI clearly has sound reasons why he prefers not to have a Catholic ceremony. I think these should be respected and for sure, he shouldn’t be standing up making a faith-based commitment when he doesn’t practice that faith or have any intention of doong so. 

I’d carry on planning the wedding you really want. 

Post # 3
1928 posts
Buzzing bee

Ya I have a problem with people who take religious vows and aren’t religious – to me it’s a sham. do what you actually believe.

Post # 5
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with the other posters.  You should not take religious vows unless you mean them.  There is a lot of preparation required for a Catholic wedding, anyway.  You would have to go through that to get married in the church.

Post # 8
7 posts

I agree wholeheartedly with PPs. I think your real problem is how to deal with any possible drama from family, eh. Maybe you could try to explain that you would find it inappropriate and disrespectful to have a wedding that is considered by Catholics sacred and sacramental when neither you nor your fiancé would “mean it”. Or, again on the basis of “meaning it”, explain that you don’t want to start your married life with something you don’t believe in. Or if they love their Catechisms, remind them that marriage happens between two people, and that the priest is not even technically necessary. 😉 Just a few ideas. I hope it goes smoothly!

Post # 11
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Your mom can throw a fit all she wants but it is your wedding. And she will get over it. Eventually.

Post # 12
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Have the wedding you want and that reflects your views.

If at some point in time in the future, you decide that you would like your marriage recognized by the Catholic church, you will have the option to go through marriage preparation & have a convalidation ceremony. 

Let your mother know that right now, going through the marriage preparation & a Catholic wedding would sour your fiance even more to the Church and that you would rather have a secular ceremony that you are both committed to than a religious ceremony you are going into feeling forced.

Post # 13
4666 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You could have to ceremony you want, and maybe there are some readings that have some meaning to you or something… then you can kind of have it both ways? 

Post # 14
2500 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I thought I would never get married in a church, but it meant a lot to our families and we found a church we loved and were comfortable with.  Definitely don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Maybe consider getting married in a Presbytarian church instead as a compromise??  They don’t do a full long mass like Catholics (ceremonies are just about as short as secular ones), and they are more open minded in terms of accepting people who have divorced, etc, but they are still Christian.  Not sure if your mom would prefer that over a secular ceremony or if you would be comfortable with it, but just an idea.    

Post # 15
4900 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Although I went to church regularly as a kid, I stopped in high school when I got a job and I was always working on Sundays. I was raised Methodist (he is Lutheran). That was YEARS ago, and I still don’t go – unless it’s Christmas (sometimes) or baptisms/weddings. We are not getting married in a church, as my FI feels they’re too enclosed and the fact that since neither of us go to church, we don’t feel it’s necessary to get married in one.

We are having our wedding outside at a Gazebo in a local park and having an officiant lead it, wioth just family around us. She is letting us pretty much write it, which will be awesome. FI wants it short a sweet, 5 minutes top – although I want it t a tish longer so it’s not just “I do, I do” and done.

I think my mom is disappointed that we’re not getting married in a church as she made a comment one time about not getting a picture from the balcony of the wedding. Well, this place is small so no matter where the photographer is at, they’ll get some great shots. But, that stuff is the least of my concerns.

Post # 7
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree that you should not take religious vows unless you mean them, for two reasons: (1) it shows a lack of respect for those who do practice that religion, and (2) is your wedding ceremony, of all moments, the time to tell a white lie, or go along with something you don’t really believe?

We had a ceremony similar to what you describe — outdoors in autumn, secular, all of 15 minutes long, and officiated by a family friend. Thankfully, my religious family members did not bat an eye because they agreed that the ceremony should reflect the couples’ shared values, moreso than the values of their families that they might not necessarily agree with. I hope you can gently bring your mother and grandmother around to this view and plan the wedding that’s right for you.

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