(Closed) To Gift or Not To Gift

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Do you send a gift if you can not attend a wedding?




  • Post # 3
    636 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I always send a gift even if we decline an invitation, but I was also surprised at how many people (mainly on my husband’s side) declined and sent nothing, not even a card.  Not that I think you have to send a gift or anything, I just thought it was kind of the norm, but maybe not so much?

    Post # 4
    11324 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Totally situationally dependent. If it is just an aquaintance or someone I’m not close to, I probably won’t send a gift. If it is someone I’m somewhat close to, I send them whatever I would’ve gifted them if I had attended. If it is someone that I REALLY wanted to attend the wedding but can’t for some reason, then I’ll often send a nicer gift (ex. i really want to go to my cousin’s wedding but i don’t think i can afford to because it is 9 hrs away and transport + hotels +++, so i might just cut my losses and send a nicer gift since i’m saving the money on traveling). 

    Post # 5
    636 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    One more thing: a few people did send gifts with other people who did attend the wedding, so maybe you’ll still get something from the people who RSVPed ‘no.’

    Post # 6
    463 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    In my family we always send a gift, but i’ve noticed with my friends, no one does.  so it might also be a generational thing?

    Post # 8
    13094 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I always send gifts when I cannot attend.

    If it is a close friend I’ll send as much as I would have sent had I been able to come.  If I’m not as close to them, I’ll still send a $25-$30 gift card to one of the places they’re registered.  But based on what I’ve seen from my wedding this isn’t the norm.  Our RSVP rate is about 60% (almost everyone is Out of Town – still expecting about 150 to attend) but we have only received 1 gift from someone not attending.

    Post # 9
    306 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I wasn’t able to attend my former roommate’s wedding this summer. I sent her and her fiancee a gift card, but I didn’t send it WITH my RSVP. Maybe people are planning to send a gift later, or after the wedding?

    Post # 10
    1941 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    For me it depends. If I am close to the person, yes I would send them something, but if they are an aquaintance, then no and really no harm in that. I really want to attend a very close friends wedding in Sept but it is out of state (transportation + hotel), I have to also take off work and now I just found out it is Black Tie. The costs are adding up and I just do not think I can or want to do it, but I will more than make up for it in their gift.

    Post # 12
    573 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    I always send something comparable to what I’d give if I were attending. If it’s a wedding that I was surprised to be invited to (i.e. someone I’m not close to), I send something small from the registry.

    Post # 13
    605 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I always send something – but I normally wait until after the wedding.  This way I can see what is still left on the registry.  I apply the one year rule even if I’m not a guest – but I don’t know if that is proper!

    Post # 14
    529 posts
    Busy bee

    I always send something, my shock comes when I don’t receive thank-yous.  Of the past dozen weddings or so, I can count two thank yous – and one arrived over a year later! (still, better late than never!) I mean, I don’t need to be thanked – I just thought it was polite – especially if I didn’t attend their wedding and ask them to pay for my food and drinks – in some cases I just want acknowledgement that the gift I paid for and sent was received. I am ordering thank yous WITH my invites and make sure to send them out asap – as soon as we got an engagement gift, the card was in the mail by the next day! Has anyone else noticed this?

    Post # 15
    3997 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I always send a gift if I can’t attend an event.  Even if its just a child’s birthday party, especially a wedding or baby shower.  We had several declines and only one person sent a gift.  I wonder how so many people could be unaware of this etiquette.  They may send something later though, the guest who declined didn’t send it with the rsvp card, she just waited until the week of the wedding to send the gift.

    Post # 16
    1046 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    We’ve already seen that a lot of people believe their gift should “cover their plate”–if you work on this philosophy of gift giving, then you probably don’t believe you need to send a gift if you can’t attend. I think it’s really part of the problem with that philosophy (beyond the whole, lower cost weddings really shouldn’t deserve lower cost presents aspect, of course!).

    I always send a gift if I can’t attend. I’ve never been invited to a wedding I *didn’t* want to go to, so I’m always sad that I wasn’t able to be there for a friend or family member.

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