Post # 1
I have been losing my patience with my bf of 2 years. We are both in our 30s and we’ve reached this point in our relationship where we both want to get married but nothing is happening.
Whenever I talk to him about marriage he has no issue telling me that he wants to get engaged and married by this end of this year, how he wants to purchase a home by the end of this year, how he wants to accomplish all these things by the end of this year 2019.
The only problem is that my bf is highly unrealistic and unorganized. While it may be ambitious to get all of these things done by the end of the year, he fails to realize that we both don’t have enough money saved up to buy a house. He not once has made a plan to come over and meet my parents. The only real adult thing he did was have me speak to his mother over the phone for 5 minutes as she lives in a different country and he is visiting her at the moment. Who knows what he told her about me.
He will be back from overseas in a few weeks and I’ve told him that my parents are leaving overseas as well so we really need to figure things out, and he tells me that he’s nervous, and that he is stressed out, and that he doesn’t have enough money right now which I sympathize with, but what I don’t understand is WHY he is planning all these things this year then? Is he trying to tell me that he wants to get married, but just not with me?? Could there be someone else?
I have not introduced him to my parents yet because I really don’t want to stress them out, but made the mistake of telling my sister and now feel like I am letting her down with all these changes in scheduling.
Bees, what should I do, is it worth it giving him an ultimatum? Or am I just wasting my time on a guy who may never make a decision about me.
Post # 2
shotoniphonex : Highly unrealistic and disorganized people get engaged and married all the time. That’s not an excuse. You do not have to meet each other’s parents in order to get engaged. If you both want to be married by the end of the year, that sounds like being engaged. Instead of an ultimatum, what if you just ask him: “So we both have agreed that we want to be married by the end of the year. Does that mean we’re engaged? Can we go buy a ring this weekend, I don’t need anything expensive.” His actions will tell you what you need to know.
Post # 3
I don’t really see why you need to jump to an ultimatum, it sounds like marriage is something you both want soon. Have you actually discussed the ins and outs of this? Can you come up with a plan together to start saving money for a wedding?
Do you live together?
Have you told your parents about him? Why would meeting him stress them out? Why do you feel you are letting your sister down?
Post # 4
zzar45 : long story short, I had a boyfriend I introduced my parents to and a few months later broke up with me so it really hurt my parents because they are very traditional. Once I brought home a boy it was understood it would end up in marriage, accordingly to our cultural views.
I have not told my parents and current bf because I can’t let them down again. I feel like I’m letting my sister down because she lives in the US (I’m in Canada), so I can’t exactly do a last minute thing or else she won’t be able to attend. So I guess I really just want a plan…
Post # 5
shotoniphonex : Wait, in your OP you seem annoyed that he hasn’t planned a trip to your parents but you haven’t even told your parents that he exists! How is he supposed to plan a trip to see them?
Do you and your boyfriend live together?
Are you not happy with the current timeline of getting engaged at some point this year? I’m confused about what you actually want.
Post # 6
How is it your bfs fault that he hasn’t met your parents if you haven’t told them about him? Why are you parents feelings (of being stressed out) more important than your bfs feelings (nervous & stressed out)?
Do you know how much money he has saved for a house? Do you have money saved for a house? Have you talked about the logistics? Like having a wedding and buying a house in the same year is very expensive, would you have a smaller wedding to afford the house?
I’m honestly not really sure what this post is about, or what kind of ultimatum you want to give.
Post # 7
zzar45 : I’m sorry for the confusion. He has told me multiple times that he wants to meet my parents this year, and has said in January 2019. However my parents are planning on leaving the country so I asked him the make a plan to come over to my house and meet them. Only then when he plans to mete them will I tell my parents about him.
We don’t live together, as per culture, we are not permitted to live together before marriage.
I am just getting frustrated with him because he makes all these plans to get engaged and married this year, but whenever we try to talk about it, he gets stressed out and tells me all these lame excuses about how he has no money blah blah.
It makes me think he’s just buying time
Post # 8
jellybellynelly : I don’t even think he has enough money for a wedding to be honest I am guesstimating he has around 10 grand saved up as per our discussions on it. Together we have $35000 saved up… so I don’t know why he keeps saying he wants to do that plus buy a house this year.
Post # 9
Have you started saving for the house you want to purchase with your boyfriend? Have you clearly told him that before you can start planning a wedding (or get engaged) he has to meet your parents? Your boyfriend may very well be disorganized and unrealistic but both of you will need to be involved in planning these events and from your OP it sounds like you are just sitting back frustrated instead of being an active participant in these decisions that impact your life.
Post # 10
Wait. Do you live with your parents? I don’t really understand your situation. But it sounds like you need to take control of your own life. Talk about what you want. Set timelines the two of you can agree on. Talk specifics. Make spreadsheets. Don’t worry about your parents feelings so much. They can handle it if you break up.
How have you hidden your boyfriend from them for two years?
Post # 11
livster : Hi livster, to answer your questions, yes to all. I have been saving as much as I can, but I know that maybe buying a house this year will seem difficult so I’ve spoke to him about maybe renting for a bit after marriage.
He knows that before we plan a wedding he has to meet my parents. In our culture, how it works is that the boy will come over to the girls house and meet her parents and then both sets of parents will meet which will be an understanding that we would get married then.
The problem is that his parents are in a different country at the moment so to get them to canada would mean getting a visitor visa. So that’s why planning is crucial in this situation. I hope that makes sense 🙂
Post # 12
Yeah this still doesn’t make sense. And you didnt even answer half the questions in my post.
Post # 13
shotoniphonex : I see. Well it is still not clear whether this is a case of your boyfriend being bad at making plans and based on this poor planning, he over-promises and under-delivers OR whether he just promised you these things to “shut you up” but has no intention of seeing it through.
Either way, I think you need to sit down together, lay out your concerns about the timeline and budget and propose what you believe are more achievable goals. If he continues to make excuses under the guise of being “stressed” then I’d say yes, you are approaching ultimatum territory. Similarly, if he agrees with you but then doesn’t actually take any real action, you have a right to be worried. But it doesn’t sound like this conversation has happened yet, so I don’t think you need to jump to the nuclear option yet.
Post # 14
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
I would honestly be really put off by quite a few qualities of your boyfriend. He is in his 30s and
- he can’t make a committment
- he doesn’t save and/or make enough money to save up for a ring, wedding or house
- he makes no plans to meet your parents (which clearly you care about and is important in your culture)
Is he ambitious at all? Like PP have stated, there are plenty of men who are Type B or not super organized and aren’t planners but they propose. I wouldn’t ordinarily be so harsh on someone. But he’s more than old enough to have gotten his shit together. If a man wants to get engaged and married, he’ll make it happen.