To give an ultimatum or not…

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
8542 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

shotoniphonex :  Highly unrealistic and disorganized people get engaged and married all the time. That’s not an excuse. You do not have to meet each other’s parents in order to get engaged. If you both want to be married by the end of the year, that sounds like being engaged. Instead of an ultimatum, what if you just ask him: “So we both have agreed that we want to be married by the end of the year. Does that mean we’re engaged? Can we go buy a ring this weekend, I don’t need anything expensive.” His actions will tell you what you need to know.

Post # 3
Member
4299 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t really see why you need to jump to an ultimatum, it sounds like marriage is something you both want soon.  Have you actually discussed the ins and outs of this?  Can you come up with a plan together to start saving money for a wedding? 

Do you live together?

Have you told your parents about him?  Why would meeting him stress them out? Why do you feel you are letting your sister down? 

Post # 5
Member
4299 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

shotoniphonex :  Wait, in your OP you seem annoyed that he hasn’t planned a trip to your parents but you haven’t even told your parents that he exists! How is he supposed to plan a trip to see them?

Do you and your boyfriend live together? 

Are you not happy with the current timeline of getting engaged at some point this year?  I’m confused about what you actually want. 

Post # 6
Member
5797 posts
Bee Keeper

How is it your bfs fault that he hasn’t met your parents if you haven’t told them about him? Why are you parents feelings (of being stressed out) more important than your bfs feelings (nervous & stressed out)? 

Do you know how much money he has saved for a house? Do you have money saved for a house? Have you talked about the logistics? Like having a wedding and buying a house in the same year is very expensive, would you have a smaller wedding to afford the house? 

I’m honestly not really sure what this post is about, or what kind of ultimatum you want to give.

Post # 9
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

Have you started saving for the house you want to purchase with your boyfriend? Have you clearly told him that before you can start planning a wedding (or get engaged) he has to meet your parents?  Your boyfriend may very well be disorganized and unrealistic but both of you will need to be involved in planning these events and from your OP it sounds like you are just sitting back frustrated instead of being an active participant in these decisions that impact your life.

Post # 10
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Wait. Do you live with your parents? I don’t really understand your situation. But it sounds like you need to take control of your own life. Talk about what you want. Set timelines the two of you can agree on. Talk specifics. Make spreadsheets. Don’t worry about your parents feelings so much. They can handle it if you break up. 

How have you hidden your boyfriend from them for two years?

Post # 12
Member
5797 posts
Bee Keeper

Yeah this still doesn’t make sense. And you didnt even answer half the questions in my post. 

shotoniphonex :  

Post # 13
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

shotoniphonex :  I see. Well it is still not clear whether this is a case of your boyfriend being bad at making plans and based on this poor planning, he over-promises and under-delivers OR whether he just promised you these things to “shut you up” but has no intention of seeing it through.

Either way, I think you need to sit down together, lay out your concerns about the timeline and budget and propose what you believe are more achievable goals.  If he continues to make excuses under the guise of being “stressed” then I’d say yes, you are approaching ultimatum territory.  Similarly, if he agrees with you but then doesn’t actually take any real action, you have a right to be worried.  But it doesn’t sound like this conversation has happened yet, so I don’t think you need to jump to the nuclear option yet.

Post # 14
Member
2218 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I would honestly be really put off by quite a few qualities of your boyfriend. He is in his 30s and 

  • he can’t make a committment 
  • he doesn’t save and/or make enough money to save up for a ring, wedding or house
  • he makes no plans to meet your parents (which clearly you care about and is important in your culture)

Is he ambitious at all? Like PP have stated, there are plenty of men who are Type B or not super organized and aren’t planners but they propose. I wouldn’t ordinarily be so harsh on someone. But he’s more than old enough to have gotten his shit together. If a man wants to get engaged and married, he’ll make it happen.

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