To give an ultimatum or not…

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
5929 posts
Bee Keeper

sarathemermaid :  If a man wants to get engaged and married, he’ll make it happen

I would usually agree, however the OP has hidden him from her parents for 2 years. 2 years! And is blaming HIM for not taking steps? C’mon, that’s hardly fair. Add that to the fact that he DOES want to get engaged and married by the end of the year, and it doesn’t seem like he’s *that* in the wrong. 

Post # 18
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m still pretty confused about your situation. I’m assuming your family are immigrants to Canada since that does not sound like how dating works in Canada. Is it normal to hide a boyfriend for two years? If you are dating like a Canadian, can’t you show your parents that? Or will there be consequences other than disappointment? Will they be mad about you hiding him? 

Do you live with your parents? When will your parents be back in the country? Are they moving? What are you doing? How old are you and your boyfriend? Can you rent instead of buying right away? Have you talked about these issues with your boyfriend?

ETA: I don’t think you need to give an ultimatum. I think you just need to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend.

Post # 19
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

It sounds like the two of you are on the same page about what you want, but that you are not confident that the plans will come to fruition, as he has a tendency to overestimate what he can achieve in a certain time period. 

The solution here, I think, is to have a sit down when he gets back from overseas and hash out a realistic, achievable 3 year plan with measurable goals and agreed upon timelines (and realistic plans for how to get there, such as put $__ away into a joint savings account per month for house downpayment, etc). I don’t see any need for an “ultimatum”. In fact, I don’t understand why that is where your mind would jump to? You have no reason to try to force him into action (nor is that ever a good idea), because the issues doesn’t seem to be one of him not wanting to make the commitment, the issue is that he is unrealistic and disorganised when it come to making plans and setting goals. 

One of the benefits of having a life partner is having someone who is able to make up for your weaknesses while you are able to make up for theirs. He’s disorganised and unrealistic, so a good role for you as his partner is to be the one who initiates planning conversations and actively works with him to set realistic and achievable goals and plans.

Over time, hopefully you will rub off on him a bit, but chances are you will always be the more organised one (and that’s ok, as long as he’s not taking advantage of that. He probably has strengths that you don’t that are able to compensate for some of your weaker points). 

Post # 21
1674 posts
Bumble bee

Not telling your parents about your SO until you’re ready to get engaged is pretty normal in some immigrant cultures.  It’s really not as big a deal as a lot of bees here are making it and I really doubt that has any reason to do with his hold up. 

Seems too early to issue an ultimatum. Just have a conversation. 

Post # 23
311 posts
Helper bee

I understand not telling your parents about your SO. I think you should tell your parents about him when you both are ready.

About the ultimatum part, my SO knows that if he ever gave me an ultimatum, I will simply walk out on him. I also never give ultimatums. Even if ultimatums work for some people, they get divorced because it is a forceful and an unfair way of getting things done. 


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