Post # 1
Going anon here..
Bees, were at our wits end…
Married 1 year a few days ago, together 6 in total.
I’m just going to try and lay the details out quick and hard here
We are on the brink of seperation. We can not stop fighting. We have never had a perfect relationship to begin with and actually called our wedding off originally because of a wretched fight we got in. We ended up eloping soon after our originally planned wedding date a few months later. Thing is when we fight which has been alot these past few months, it is pure evil. The words that are thrown around by the both of us are about as evil as it gets. Hes quite narsassitic and believes he is smarter the everyone (and often fits this into our daily conversations somehow). He never ever admits hes wrong or apologizes afterwards for the vile words spit during these super heated fights. I find it is always me taking responsibility for everyhing whether I started it or not. He is quick to “leave the fight in the past” if I make it seem like it was all me and I have the issues thats why I’m I’m fighting. I feel like if I dont take the reaponsibility for the whole thing the fight will go on forever. He seems to always seem to be able to calm down once I just take fault even though it takes two to tango. I am certainly not innocent and I spit the venom too, it is not just 1 or the other. I just feel it is so unfair to me to have to take the entire blame and he ends up believing he has really done nothing wrong even if he has..
As we continue to fight, it is getting harder and harder to forgive because of the lengths we go with what we say to eachother. All respect goes out the window in these moments and we end up leaving scars forever…it is ruining our marriage and I have suggested and pretty much begged to go to couples counselling and he flat out refuses. (His narsassitic behaviors show them self here) because he got his degree in psychology in his 20’s he does not believe he needs counselling and all the things that i cant leave in the past are my problems to get over, not something to deal with together. Even though the things I’m unable to leave in the past were things he said and did to hurt me and never apologized for or assured to me would never happen again. I have asked to go to counselling together on more than one occasion.
We have been discussing seperation situations where I move out, I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom for the past week and we did not celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary or even spend the day together. There has been very minimal interaction on a daily basis this last week to the point we are so angry we are not making eye contact or even saying more than a few sentences to eachother each if that!
Bees do i give up and really move out and begin our seperation or do I fight for fixing this until the bitter end and push for counselling together? Can counseling help to fix things when they have gotten to this point or are we doomed? I truly do not know what to do anymore and like i said we have begun discussing seperation arrangements…. we tried to TALK about things today and it ended up in a screaming match.
Thank you for any replies, please go easy on me..my world feels like it is crumbling before me😞 and I know it is evident we were and are quite dysfunctional. My question to everyone is do you think this is something that can be solved and worked on through a marriage counsellor if it could even get him to change his mind about it?
Post # 2
I’m sorry you’re going through this. To be honest, it doesn’t sound like this relationship can be salvaged. From what you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve always had a volatile relationship with frequent fights, even before you got married. If it’s always been that way, why would it ever change? And if he’s totally unapologetic about his behavior and never takes responsibility for his part in this, the fights will never stop. I think this relationship should have ended a long time ago; you’re not good for each other. If you want peace, you’re unlikely to find it with your husband.
Post # 3
Aw Bee, I am sorry to hear this. 🙁 I mean, you can try couple’s counseling… your husband is absolutely wrong about not needing to see a counselor because of his psychology degree. I have a psychology degree and I was taught that all good psychologists have counselors because they understand that no human is perfect, even if you study the human brain and behavior.
But I would also be sick of the constant fighting and want to end it. How awesome would it be to live a life without constant fighting? I do think you would be happier if you left based on what you shared. But the decision is ultimately up to you. I highly suggest seeking a counselor just for you, not your husband, to help you decide if you should leave or stay if you are so uncertain. Good luck Bee ❤️
Post # 4
I’m sorry, but it kind of sounds like you guys hate each other and always have… if your relationship has been this volatile right from the start, what makes you think it would change now? It won’t. Especially if either of you is unwilling to take responsibility for their part in it.
This is not what relationships are supposed to be like, and at this point I don’t think it even matters whos “fault” it is. Some people just aren’t good partners for each other, and it sounds like you guys aren’t. You fully admit that you are both mean and disrespectful in arguments and to me that means this relationship is not salvagable.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I don’t think there’s anything for you to fight for, to be honest. Cut your losses and leave.
Post # 6
One year, no kids, constant bitter fighting? I’d say you’d be much better off putting this relationship in the past.
Post # 7
lunartetra : “Bees do i give up and really move out and begin our seperation or do I fight for fixing this until the bitter end and push for counselling together?”
It’s sounds like this already IS the bitter end though Bee. He refuses to go to counseling or apologize at all. One person can’t fix a relationship. So you can keep pushing for counseling and getting absolutely nowhere, or you can admit that this isn’t going to work and call it.
Post # 8
No one grab can save a marriage by themselves. If he is not 100% invested in repairing your relationship then you cannot fix it.
It doesn’t sound like he thinks he needs to change anything about himself so I don’t know how you’d go about fixing this. I think it’s time to call it quits and move on. You don’t deserve a lifetime of such poor treatment.
Post # 9
Bee, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
This sounds like an incredibly unhealthy relationship and situation to be in. I would seek counselling for yourself alone and get yourself out of there. He is clearly unwilling to go to couple’s counselling. Also what BS about having a psych degree and not needing counselling. I have a psych degree and have benefitted hugely from counselling of my own, and I think it can be helpful to anyone if you are in a circumstance that is making you feel bad. I’m sorry that you have been the one to put in all the effort on this, but you cannot fix it alone.
Post # 10
It takes 2 people wanting to change to fix your relationship. If it’s just you willing to put in the effort with nothing in return from him you will only get more bitter. If he is willing to put his pride before you and fixing your relationship then I think you are better off without him!
Post # 11
It sounds like he has no capacity for self-reflection or empathy. I think it’s time to move on before you invest any more of yourself in this person.
Post # 12
Sorry Bee. It sounds like it was over before it even started.
Post # 13
It sounds like you guys already had a really unhealthy dynamic to your relationship, and threw out a “life raft” in the form of getting married, hoping it would help.
Some things you can’t go back from saying.
And it sounds like the words you are speaking to each other are just becoming more and more savage, far beyond repair. The only thing you should be fighting for right now is your own mental health, and as sad as it might feel to face, that probably means leaving this marriage behind.
Post # 14
lunartetra : i sadly agree that it takes both people to fix a relationship. They both have to want it, they both have to be adults and own what they have contributed to the downfall.
There are too many deep cuts without a way to heal. You cant force him to want to work on this. If he doesnt want to, that is the end, no matter how much you do.
What is his solution since he doesnt want to try counseling? Does he think you should divorce?
Post # 15
There was a married couple with your situation in Dr. Phil’s show, and they asked him the same question you did. He answered that if any one of the partners purposely insults or hurts the other, the relationship cannot be sulvaged at all. If any or both of you are purposely hurting or are mean to each other, your relationship is over.
I also know of a married couple who were constantly fighthing with each other and they are still together. I mean they even broke each other’s things out of spite. Last time I saw them was in 2012. They had a baby and argued in front of me. They became immune to the terrible fights. The woman admitted to me that she plans on involving the kids (now she has another child) to side with her. That relationship seems to be working for them but I am not sure if they are happy.
I think you also need to do ask yourself if you would be OK with the life I mentioned above in case your relationship survives. You need to do some serious soul searching to find the answer you are looking for.
As for your husband refusing counselling, there are books written by pshycologists to improve or save realtionships. There are exerises for couples in them. I remember trying out “The five languages of love” with my fiance. We didn’s have serious problems, so, I don’t know how useful it will be for both of you if your husband is open to it.
Good luck, bee!