To give up or fight hard for it

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
2353 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

This relationship was toxic before you got married but you ignored it and got married anyway.  It’s too late to change that decision but now you can do the right thing for yourself which is divorce and end it for good. There’s no reason to separate when you should actually be divorced. Do you both the favor. 

Post # 17
Member
1688 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

lunartetra :  Bee, it sounds like you are willing to fight for your relationship, but he isn’t.  Unfortunately if he isn’t willing to try something different, then this fighting will always be your marriage.  

I would ultimatum him.  Counselling or separation.  If he picks separation then be ready to go through with it. 

Post # 18
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I speak from experience when I tell you to get out. It won’t get better. People like that never change, ever. I thought it was me during our relationship too. I was too sensitive. Why couldn’t I just get over thongs etc etc. it’s just a manipulation tactic. People like that truly believe they are gods gift and he will never respect you. We split up 8 years ago and he is married now and guess what? He treats his wife the exact same way he treated me. I learned that it was never me. It was always human nd he never changed. (According to my teenager). Get out while you can. You’ll find someone who is better suited bee. Good luck

Post # 19
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

you deserve better. Even if you’re a part of the problem which you admitted, which is good that you recognize, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still being mistreated yourself and you’re not with someone who is going to help foster a healthy space to improve.

 

no one on the internet can tell you exactly what is right but it sounds like you are better off without him and finding a healthier relationship with someone else eventually.

Post # 20
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

Sounds like my ex who had narcissistic personality disorder- also thought he was smarter than everyone and every fight was my fault.  Also never apologized.  We tried therapy but it doesn’t work with narcissists.  They won’t take any accountability or examine their own issues.  In his affidavit in our custody battle he said we went to therapy several times to deal with my “mental health issues” which is not true.  It only gets worse.  Sorry to say it but you need to leave.  He may never throw in the towel (despite threatening to do so) because end of the day narcissists are terrified of being alone.  

Post # 21
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee

Narcissists are abusers. Never marry one. If you marry one by mistake, separate and divorce as soon as you realize the mistake. 

Post # 22
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Sorry Bee but it sounds like y’all quit fighting for it to work before the marriage even happened. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I stayed in a marriage for 17 years like what your describe. I stayed becasue I thought I had to stay and fight for my marriage. Big huge mistake. It never worked out. It just got worse. I knew within the first year we shouldn’t have gotten married. I should have left, heck I should have ran! Don’t continue to fight a loosing battle. Get your own place, go to counseling for yourself. Believe me, the scars last a long long time. I really struggled and went into one toxic relationship after another before I finally got the help I needed. Now I’m married to a wonderful, kind, caring, thoughtful man. Sometimes I get depressed thinking I wasted so many years. Good luck bee. I wish you the best and hope you have the strength to leave this toxic marriage and work on getting past it. Big hugs!!! 

Post # 23
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Hi Bee, I see you posted this a while ago and it’s on the top of the boards again. I just want to chime in and say there will be nothing to save if he won’t make the effort to change. I’ve loved a narcissist before and you just can’t win with them. If you haven’t left yet, I hope you do now. Things will not get better with this man. I’m sorry that you are going through this. Please know that that it is not your fault that things fell apart. You can’t force someone to treat you right. You can’t love someone into treating you right. He alone is responsible for his behavior. So if you do divorce, you are making the right decision and the smart decision. 

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