(Closed) To go or not to go? I'm going to look like the bad guy either way…

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

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@ChicoryCreek:  I am not one that deals with conflict well, but in this case I think I would go to dinner with him, purely because I’d be worried they would spend the whole birthday dinner trying to talk to him about you like they wanted to before. That won’t be fun for him or you, so you may as well go and hopefully they keep thier mouths shut and try to be pleasant! 

Post # 18
Member
3696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am usually all for doing your own thing when one of you just isn’t feeling it, especially early in a relationship (not engaged) or well established in a marriage.  But in this case, I say go.  Make a point that you aren’t leaving just because they want you to.  If YOU don’t feel like going, then don’t, but make sure it’s what YOU want to do, not what they’re putting on you. 

Post # 19
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You need to be there for him, not for them. 

They aren’t actually mad at you.  They are mad because you are taking away their precious son.  His mother is struggling because she was the most important woman in his life for 2 decades.  Now she isn’t, and she’s reacting poorly.

You are in his life now, and you aren’t going anywhere.  The sooner they come to terms with that, the better.  Kill them with kindness.

Post # 21
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@ChicoryCreek:  If they are trying to play nice now I think you should go. For one thing, they are far more likely to actually play nice if you ARE there. They might be tempted to bring up things and start the fight all over again if it’s just them and your BF. It will for sure be awkward, but the more you see them (and they behave) the faster it will get back to normal. Rip off the bandaid!!

Post # 22
Member
795 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@ChicoryCreek:  You need to go. As PP have said, you are going to have to show them that you are a unified front. Be bigger than her, be as pleasant as you can manage. If she tries to say you were anything but pleasant later, you have your BF to back you up. 

If you don’t go, I can almost guarantee there will be some kind of conversation like: Mother-In-Law: “Well I don’t know why ChicoryCreek wouldn’t want to join us. I thought we were putting all of this behind us.” And then cue the character assasination about how you’re trying to stir up drama and tear their family apart. 

Even though your BF is awesome and standing behind you, PLEASE don’t underestimate the power of a mom. It’s not fair to you that you should have to try so hard, but for a while you’re going to have to put some effort into being the most positive person in your BF’s life. Don’t badmouth his mom to him, let her be the one doing all the trash talking. Don’t let his over-attached mom succeed in actually breaking you two apart. Good luck!

Post # 23
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

I agree w/ other posters, you need to go. How they behave will determine where you both go from here. I would talk to your BF before this though and discuss how you and he feel. This is likely not the end of it, unfortunately. Even if they play nice, there will be this awkward tension for a while at least.

Post # 24
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@ChicoryCreek:  This might sound totally nutty… but maybe she just read too much into what you said at Christmas. She might already be self-conscious about those things and your words unknowingly made her go on the defense (even though it was unjustified) 

The first one could have been a jab at her sense of humor, and the second her as a smothering mother… 

Regardless, she should have given you the benefit of the doubt and talked to the both of you about it instead of railroading your BF. 

…maybe down the line, after some time has passed for you to calm down more you can talk to his parents and explain that you weren’t trying to hurt her feelings and your comments came from curiosity not malice. 

If you are really serious about your BF, his parents will always be in his life in some way or another. Maybe asking to start over all again would help? 

I say you go to the dinner and you kill them with kindness. 

 

Post # 25
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@ChicoryCreek:  LOL @ converting O2 to CO2!!

I think you should sit down and talk with SO about your two options (go or no-go) and come to an agreement with him, so you guys stay on the same page. (He sounds like a gem, btw!)

If I were you, I’d go because you should be a united front and so she doesn’t have a chance to talk about how you don’t care about her / SO’s family, she thought it was in the past, etc.

Forgive, but don’t forget. (hugs)

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