(Closed) To go or not to go? (Work abroad.)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you go on this "trip"?

    Yes, regardless of SO's opinion.

    No, because he doesn't want me to.

    Only one year for work.

    Only if he comes along.

    Other, PLEASE share!

    No, would instead try to get a similar position in EU and go WITHOUT him.

    No, would instead try to get a similar position in EU and go WITH him.

    ...or is it a deal-breaker?

  • Post # 17
    3571 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Hey! First, Congratulations! Columbia is a super good school, you should be really proud of yourself for that. (Although as an aside, I’m not sure where you’re getting 2-3 years. A phd program in the united states will take a minimum of 3-4 years. So there’s that to think about). 

    I think what it comes down to, is whether you want to be with someone who calls the shots. I personally believe that relationships require a lot of compromise on both parts, and an immense desire to see and help the other person be the best person they can be. I understand not liking the US and not particularly wanting to live here forever, but if compared to the rest of your life, even the 3-5 years is basically a drop in the bucket. In fact, I can tell you directly that my husband is applying to phd programs in cities that I don’t particularly want to live in. But I know that he this is his dream and that he 100% believes it will be in the best interest for our family long term. I can’t imagine NOT being supportive of that. I also know for a fact that DH would do the same for me. 

    I know you love this guy, and I hope he comes around. But I really think this is a huge opportunity, a great one to live in one of the best cities in the world (New York is fantastic, I love it) and an overall really important experience to have. I think you should go. It would be great if he comes with you, but in the end, if he’s so unwilling to be a team player he probably isn’t ready for a serious committment. 

    Good luck! Keep us updated!

    Post # 18
    12244 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    If you were married, I might say something different–but I wouldn’t throw away such an incredible, once-in-a-lifetime oppertunity for just a BF or FI!

    Especially when he’s the one being difficult!

    Post # 19
    2942 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    @HopefulCatlover:  I understand what you are going through so much, and I am going to tell you to go as you will always wonder what if if you don’t.

    When I was graduating school, I was looking at a program that would have me in the UK for a year, and then SE Asia for 4 months.  It looked so awesome, and I mentioned it to the guy I was dating at the time.  BAD IDEA!   He emotionally blackmailed me into not even applying.  He made me feel terrible for a week for even looking at it.

    6 months later I broke up with him.  While, I am getting married to a FANTASTIC guy who I wouldn’t have been with if I joined the program, I still wonder what if.

    Myself and my Fiance had a rule before we were engaged; If one of us was offered a good oppertunity, such as what you are talking about, and it met moving away, we were both supose to take it and put our relationship on hold.  Now that there are rings involved, things have changed, but we still would support eachother if a good opertunity came about for one of us. 

    Post # 21
    268 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Back in 2001 I was in this situation.  In a nutshell, I was going to school and ended up hearing about a job in my field (dream job) and decided to go over and interview.  I ended up getting a job offer, but the catch was it was on the other side of the US and would require me to move.

    So I told my boyfriend, who was my highschool sweetie (think we’d been together around 6 years at the time) who was not enthused at all.  He was a homebody and only left our city when the ironworkers required him to go on a job.  He would have been happy living next door to his mother, in the city we grew up in, for the rest of his life.

    Well, I can tell you that he wasn’t happy for me, he wasn’t enthused, and he didn’t want me to go (and he didn’t want to move out with me).  He even tried proposing to get me to stay with him.  He then gave me an ultimatum…either I stayed and we could be together or I’d go and it was over.

    I figured at that point that if it was meant to be and he really loved me, he wouldn’t hold me back from my dream.  I went and have had some AMAZING experiences for the 5 years I worked my dream job.  I’ve traveled the US and seen things I’d never have gotten to experience otherwise.  On top of that, I’ve fullfilled my childhood dream of living in Europe where I’m currently sitting in the room with my dutch husband who is my best friend and the love of my life.  He also doesn’t mind I now travel often for my job (even if I have to put up with sappy memes on Facebook LOL).

    I guess my advice is go.  Go and have an amazing experience instead of staying home for a guy even if he’s your love (I thought I’d marry my highschool sweetie!).  If it’s meant to be, he’ll do whatever he can to support you.  If he won’t, then that means there’s someone out there who’s equally as amazing and won’t hold you back.


    Post # 22
    51 posts
    Worker bee

    I can see why this is a tough decision for you, but it sounds like a great opportunity, one you might really enjoy once you get settled. Life is about taking chances like these, and a man who truly loves you won’t box you in.

    Post # 23
    420 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar

    @HopefulCatlover:  Absolutely go!!! My SO was in the same place as you were. He got accepted to a very prestige law school about 6 years ago or so. I honetsly was not happy with this move bc we would be long distance for a good 3 years but i supported him bc i really loved him and wanted the best for him. I wanted to make sure he didnt live with any regrets. We were long distance 3 years very difficult but i made sure we saw each other at least 5 times a year. It made our relationship stronger and we were able to move forward! I also went to Italy for a period of time for an amazing internship when he came back from law school…he was very supportive since it was something i really always wanted to do. Of course it was very difficult since we had already been long distance for a while…but i took the chance and i absolutely dont regret going. I had teh time of my life!!! I came back and decided to move towards marriage since we felt ready. My advise is that no one should make u feel like you have to stop living your dream….in all honesty if someone loves you so much they should be able to see you pursue your dream even if it means been long distance for a whille or making other compromises…at the end of the day you wont live with any regrets and once you do get married you will bring something absolutely special to your relationship. 

    Post # 24
    481 posts
    Helper bee

    The votes speak for themselves!!


    Post # 25
    302 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    If he truly loved you, he would want you to take this opportunity- and nothing would stand in his way to visit/be with you ๐Ÿ™ He should want you to be happy. Do not give up your dreams over this jerk! YOU HAVE TO GO!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 26
    1443 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    An unselfish partner does not hold the other back from such an opportunity.  I bet you would do it for him if the tables were turned.  Please don’t make a decision that could affect your career for someone who is acting like a child.

    Post # 27
    1092 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    He hates ALL of the US? That’s…weird. I voted that you should go. This is an amazing opportunity and he needs to man up. It’s not like you are asking him to move there for you. 

    Keep in mind that if you do go, YOU are going to be the one doing all the fun, new, interesting things while he sits home. That may help change his “I hate the US and never want to visit” attitude.

    Also keep in mind that you may receive a job offer in the US and end up staying longer than you envision.

    Post # 28
    1876 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    This is the opportunity of a lifetime, you will always regret it if you don’t go. Here’s how it could play out – 

    * You go, SO hates it, but agrees to make it work. You guys come out stronger then ever, and you consider yourself lucky to have had such a great opportunity

    * You go, SO hates it, you end up breaking you. You come out of it with an amazing program under your belt, and able to meet someone that is hopefully willing to make compromises to make a relationship work. 

    * You don’t go, stay with SO, always regret not pursueing your dream. 

    * You don’t go, and end up breaking up with SO eventually anyways because he sounds selfish and immature (sorry) and always regret not pursueing your dream for a guy who didn’t work out anyways.

    Soooooo if you see by my little chart, you have nothing to lose. If you end up breaking up with SO, then beieve me he wasn’t the right one for you. 


    AND – does SO realize that Columbia is in NYC? NYC is not “America” in the stereotypical sense that one might think. Columbia is a beyond gorgeous campus, set in the most amazing city. Can you convince him to go visit with you to check it out? 

    Post # 29
    1876 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    View original reply
    @HopefulCatlover:  I see your not a huge fan of NYC. But – you’ve never lived there. It is an AMAZING place to live especially while attending school. Also, a phd from Columbia will allow you to work anywhere. 

    Post # 30
    919 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @HopefulCatlover:  As important as yu SO’s opinion is, I would say go. It sounds like he is just being childish, and that maybe after you are in the US he will realize how much he misses you and wants to come visit. 

    If this is something you are passionate about, he should be supportive of you 

    Post # 31
    9916 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    NYC is awesome.  You should go.  Columbia’s a great school, and doing a program there will open many doors for you.

    Also, if you hate NYC, you could always visit Philly, which is totally awesome as well!

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