Post # 1
My MOHs father recently passed away and the funeral will be in a few days. The problem is my Fiance and I are supposed to attend a wedding about 3 hours away. I’m sure their final counts to their vendors have already been turned in & I would absolutely hate to no show at their wedding. I would obviously tell them but money wise I’m sure it will make little difference. Also, we are supposed to be driving 2 of our friends. I’m not sure if they would attend the wedding either if we backed out. I don’t know if I should go to the wedding or the funeral. Either way I will feel really bad. What do you all think?
Post # 2
I guess the answer is going to depend on how close you are with your MOHs family and whose wedding you were planning on attending. If you are close with your MOHs family, perhaps there is a wake the day before you could attend? Also, what time of day is the funeral and the wedding? 3 hours is drivable if the funeral is in the morning and the wedding is later in the day. There are a lot of factors at play that will all need to be taken into account.
Post # 3
FutureMrsBex: As far as I know right now, there is no wake. And the wedding is at 3pm right in the middle of the day so it’s really not possible to attend both.
Post # 4
where you close to Maid/Matron of Honor father?
non of my friends ever came with me to funerals and ive never attended with them (I would if a close friends mom died but thats because ive lived with all 3 of there moms them and they are like family) if im not close to them then I find it wierd to attend funerals of people who have nothing to do with you (except if its fiances family because they are my family now too) I know some do funeral hop, irish catholic funerals can be really strange with complete randoms showing up dressed like morticia adams but ive always found it odd
I assume she has her family their for support (unless shes an orphan with no aunts/uncles/grandparents/siblings ect…) so she will have plenty of people to support her
if you pull out of the wedding though your potentially letting down a lot of people, the bride/groom and the couple who rely on you driving so you could be stopping 4 people from going (you, your patner plus 2 friends)
Post # 5
I think a funeral is an exception. If someone complains to me about it, I would be thinking, it’s a funeral, someone died, please.
Give them a heads up, let them figure it out.
I don’t think it’s for them to decide/judge your relationship with the deceased, or your Maid/Matron of Honor. Again, someone died, you want to pay your respect and go to the funeral, they need to respect that.
Post # 6
Unless your Maid/Matron of Honor really has nobody else to support her at the funeral or if you, yourself, were close to the father, I’d go to the wedding. I do think that the couple should be understanding though if you do choose to attend the funeral.
Post # 7
Yeah I agree with what you’re saying. If op was really close to the father and saw HIM as a friend, or like family, then sure, let the couple holding the wedding know and go to the funeral.
If you’re just planning to go because your Maid/Matron of Honor is your best friend I wouldn’t… You can support her in other ways now and after the funeral. A funeral is made for the friends and family of the deaseased, it’s not like a wedding where you give a friend a +1
Post # 8
Unless your MOH’s father was like a second-father to you, then I don’t see why you’d need to go to the funeral. Whenever people in my family pass, I look to the rest of my family for comfort instead of my friends, so I don’t see this as a good reason to no-show. Maybe you were close to him though so idk, but funerals are usually for people who were close to the deceased
Post # 9
If you weren’t close to your MOH’s father, and only want to go to support your friend, I would attend the wedding instead of the funeral.
My FI’s father past January of last year, and at both the wake and the funeral, he was constantly surrounded by family and friends. The wake especially, every guest who came (and there were a lot), came up to him and talked to him. His friends who came only stopped by for a very brief time to pay their respects, and then left. It was a nice gesture for them to come, and he definitely appreciated that they came, but he also didn’t lean on his friends for support. I was by his side the entire time, and even if I wasn’t, he had his mom and sisters, other close family members, and he was just too busy to spend a lot of time with anyone.
The funeral itself was only people who actually knew his father. A few people gave a eulogy, there was a short ceremony, and then everyone left. It would have been completely pointless for any of his friends to come.
Basically what I’m trying to say is, while it would be nice if you could attend your friend’s father’s funeral, I don’t think it is necessary, especially in your situation. As long as she has her family to support her, that is.
Post # 10
I kind of disagree. If my best friend’s father died, I would absolutely go to the funeral to support her instead of the wedding unless I was really close to the people getting married. I would probably offer to pay the money for my plate due to the late cancellation.
Post # 11
That’s such a tough one! I would probably attend the wedding. Think of it this way: the bride and groom are expecting 4 people. Say it’s $100 a plate, then that’s $400 that they are going to “eat.” You already RSVP’d yes. I would send beautiful flowers and a nice card to the MOH’s family and definitely tell the Maid/Matron of Honor how sorry you are that you had to miss it.
On the flip side, if you choose to go to the funeral, the bride can’t get mad. Someone died. That’s a big deal. She should understand. But definitely give the bride and groom a nice check to cover the cost. As far as the other 2 people, they can make that choice to attend or not, and give a nice check or not.
Post # 12
I’m not Jewish myself so apologies if this is incorrect, but I’ve heard that Jewish tradition is that life always takes precedence over death. If a funeral procession meets a wedding procession at a crossroads, the wedding procession has the right of way.
OP, what is the nature of your relationship with the couple getting married? Unless you’re really not very close, I would still go to the wedding (especially since you’re driving your friends as well).
On the other hand – I find that when it comes to death and funerals, people are generally very understanding and accommodating. If you’re polite about bowing down (perhaps send a gift/check that at least closely matches what they might be paying for your seats) and offer to help the other friends find alternative transportation, it’s okay to not go to the wedding if you want to be there for your Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 13
Funerals are not for those who died, but the who lived. If she’s yoyr Maid/Matron of Honor I’d go to funeral. Let the couple know asap, they will understand. As someone who lost their mom it meant the world to my family that friends/acquaintances went to visitation &/or funeral.
The wedding/funeral are this Saturday? For my venue, I can change meals up to 3 days before….
What time is reception…5 pm or 6 pm. Can you make it to reception? If ceremony is at 3 pm, then I bet reception is at 5pm or 5:30/6?
Post # 14
Well everyone is different about funerals, but I can tell you if my best friend’s father died, I would drop everything to be there for her at the wake/funeral. And would hope she’d do the same for me!
OP, do yoou think your Maid/Matron of Honor would want you at the funeral? If the situation were reversed, what would you want?
Post # 15
Thanks everyone. I’m leaning more towards going to the funeral. I’m honestly not that close with the bride & groom and I feel its important to be there for my friend. I think the other 2 people riding with us will still attend the wedding we were just going to carpool for convience.