(Closed) To have kids or not have kids, that is the question…

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2027

You’re going to get a lot of different resons here, you can listen or not, but as a mother of 3 (who will admit she would have done a few things differently if she could) make sure you 100% know you want them before having them. Do not have them because everyone is telling you to or you just think it is the thing people are supposed to do. Do what is right for you and no one else. 

Post # 3
Member
1291 posts
Bumble bee

If you’re on the fence, don’t have any. But at 25 you have plenty of time to come to a definite decision. 

Post # 4
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I have 4 kids and I love them with all my heart but honestly if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t have kids or have at least waited until I was in my 30s. I had my first baby at 18.! Way to young. 29 with 4 kids. I feel like I missed out on a lot in life. Its a lot of work, a lot of worry. I have two special needs kids and its hard. 

Post # 5
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I am firmly a fence-sitter right now so I totally understand where you are coming from here.  I am a teacher too so I really do love kids, I simply am unsure if I ever want to have them myself. I’m at the point where I really don’t want to get pregnant, and adoption is sounding like the best option for my husband and myself.  I’m realizing I want to give a child — maybe two, maybe even three depending on the situation — a good life who doesn’t have one, but I don’t necessarily want to give birth to said children.

Give it time, and don’t feel like you HAVE to make a decision right now.  You have plenty of time.

Post # 6
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We were on the fence for almost 7 years. I was still young (30) when I had our daughter – since most people in our circles were older when they had their first child. We live in the city – a lot like your brother. We are only having one kid – so for us we’re happy in regards to that decision. You still have time. 

Post # 7
Member
589 posts
Busy bee

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saccarabird :  like you, I always thought I wanted 3 kids but as the years have gone on (I’m 28) I realized maybe not. My tolerence for noise or bad behavior is very minimal. I did marry someone that already has a daughter who just turned 11. We only get to see the daughter every 2 weeks out of the month on weekends and gave her for whole month during the summer which is extremely different from just getting her on weekends. 

I love my quality time with my husband and family time we get when we have her but it’s been challenging too. 

My husband told me he wants me to have child to experience the love you feel but he doesn’t necessarily want another kid. That’s not far to him but I don’t feel like it’s right environment to have a 24/7 baby  at our house because he loves to play a ton of video games, has type 1 diabetes and smokes weed & he’s about to be 36 in August. 

Anyway,  that’s why I’m on the fence. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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saccarabird :  I wouldn’t say I was a fence sitter because DH and I both couldn’t picture our lives without kids but we hummed and hawed about timing. In the end I don’t think you will ever be 100% sure. We took the plunge and got pregnant first try. I spent a good portion of my first pregnancy depressed. But then I had my babe and she is easily the best thing that has ever happened to me. All my concerns about not being a “kid person” or needing alone time, etc just doesn’t matter. Everyone says it but having your own is different. Now pregnant with #2 and can’t wait for this babe to be here to keep experiencing all the love and craziness and joy kids bring. Had my first at 31, second I’ll be 33. We did a lot of travelling and living a life not conducive to babies before we got pregnant.

Post # 9
Member
11277 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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saccarabird :  

I knew at age nine that I didn’t want kids.  Actually, what I felt was stark, raving terror at the prospect.  At age 25 my doctor said I was too young to have my tubes tied.

Today I am past my childbearing years.  To say I have no regrets about not having children is definitely understating it.  I find myself thinking about it quite a lot and how thankful I am for not putting myself through that ordeal.  It would have been so wrong for me.  Like the PP, I am very noise sensitive with a very low bratty kid tolerance, which is dropping as I get older.

Dh has two sons from a previous marriage, both are grown adults now.  Neither is showing any inclination towards reproducing.  We’re pretty happy about that.

One of the sons is in a long term relationship with a lovely woman who is a bit older than he.  Kids unlikely from that union.

In his candid moments, Dh will tell you that he also would not have kids if he had it to do over again.  Our generation thought we were supposed to get married and have kids.  Dh obliged.  I took the road less traveled.  He envies me.  

Some of us just “know” with no ambiguity one way or another.  Funny how that works.  My older sister was born to be a mom. She never wanted anything else.  She has five wonderful kids.  Things worked out just as they were supposed to.

Post # 10
Member
976 posts
Busy bee

You like the idea of a large close-knit family because that’s where you came from. But you could give your hypothetical kids all the love and all the opportunities in the world, and it still couldn’t guarantee it. Yes, sometime kids grow up to be kind and loving and healthy and productive citizens. But sometimes they grow up to be either physically or mentally ill, or hate you for no particular reason and want nothing to do with you ever again, or become addicted to drugs or alcohol, or simply has very expensive tastes! Are you prepared to deal with the worst case scenarios in addition to the best? Are you ready to give every extra dollar, every extra ounce of energy and spare time to little humans who may never thank you or appreciate it? 

Like you said, there is a “fantasy” about having children, and then there is a “reality.” Many people find that the bad or hard times involved with raising children are completely worth it. Some don’t. Some are lucky to have good kids, others aren’t.

Really think about what you want in life and how you see your future. 

Post # 11
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

Babysit a couple of kids for an entire week (trying finding fairly well behaved ones).

 

Post # 12
Member
10516 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m a fence sitter. I think I would be genuinely happy either way. So I let my husband decide and he absolutely wants kids. We will be TTC next year and I’m very excited! But we definitely won’t be having a bunch. I’ll be perfectly happy with just one (maybe a second, I’m open to discussing it once we already have one but absolutely no more than two).

You still have a lot of time to decide and at 25 I wouldn’t worry about trying to make a decision either way now. Your life could change a lot in the next 3-4 years. 

Post # 13
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
saccarabird :  I used to be gung-ho kids and now I’m a fence sitter (because I am a teachers, I often see the worst of possible behavior in kids and this has somewhat turned me off from the idea); however, my husband and I recently decided to TTC.  We’ve been together since I was 21 and I’m now 27 soon to be 28. My husband is a “for sure wants kids” type and has always said that the timing is totally up to me (no pressure, right? lol)

We came to the realization a little while ago that we have entered a bit of a “stasis” mode with life. We are comfortable in our jobs, take our yearly vacation (we’d love to travel more, like 3+ times a year, but hubby’s job won’t allow it yet. Also-we are aiming for early retirement. We work hard to save $$ so that we can have financial freedom later in life). However, in order to achieve the financial freedom/early retirement/live in a camper full time and travel kind of goals, we’ll need to keep working for a while to save money. And if we wait for a few more years until we have kids, that pushes back the age that we will be at when they leave the house, and leave hubby and I with less time later in life to pursue our traveling dreams. Basically, we were like “well, financially we don’t feel comfortable enough leave our jobs yet, and if we wait until we feel like we are comfortable enough, it will be 18 years from that point until the kids leave the house…..which puts us at….what age?! Lol.  

Ultimately, we decided to start trying now based on when the potential child(ren) would be leaving the nest. We don’t want to be past 50 years old when they leave the house. If we waited until we “felt” ready, we’d be approaching 60  years old by the time they flew the coop.

I share your worries. Lack of personal freedom, kids that might have severe illnesses, being “tied down” so to speak. I’ve definitely had my freak out moments about that.  However, I’ve come to believe this is a matter of perspective. When hubby and I traveled to Canada for our honeymoon, we saw so many families where one member of the couple was carrying a baby or toddler in one of those kid backpacks and (sorry, don’t know what they are called lol) and it didn’t seem to restrict enjoyment at all. I even saw couples changing diapers on the side of the trail (I’m talking about hikes that take 10+ hours to complete).  It’s all about how you treat having kids. You can certainly let it restrict your lifestyle, or you can just bring them along with you!!!

We have a mix of friends. Some had kids at 20-21-22 and some are nearing 30 with no children. While I have enjoyed my 20s, sometimes I’m jealous of the friends that had kids early. They will be only 40 when their kids leave the house, leaving LOTS of couple time for them to pursue their dreams after child-rearing.

This is just my perspective! Obviously, everyone’s comfort level is different. I am not knocking having kids in your 30s or even 40s. My own father was 51 when he had me, so I can see both sides of the coin.

Post # 14
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

I Didn’t want kids at all until I met my husband, you know how women say “I want to have his babies”? Well that’s what happened.lol I wanted to have his babies. Kids were just absolutely not a tolerated topic when we first got married though. No way, Jose. Neither one of us even thought the word “baby” and we were sooo super careful to not accidentally make one.lol At that point in our marriage we would have been devastated to wind up pregnant. We just weren’t there financially, emotionally, ect. Well we have been trying to have a baby for over a year now unsuccessfully. I went from never wanting children to paying thousands of dollars just to have the chance to. So just never say never. Your heart can definitely change, and it can change fast.❤️ 

Post # 15
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

Good friend of mine is also on the fence and her husband has a child from a previous relationship.  I’m seeing a lot of that pattern here, just saying.  Probably all of you have had to deal with the responsibility of caring for a child without the parental feelings of attachment.  Hmm.

We are currently pregnant with our first and in our early 30s.  What is wrong with that?  Why did you phrase it “34!!!” as if they are elderly?  34 is a great age to have your first kid.

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