(Closed) To Invite Mentally Ill Mother to Wedding or Not?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

Bg1309:  I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.  Only you know how you feel, and no one else should be making this decision for you.  If you do not want to invite her, you should not invite her and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it. 

Post # 3
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Bg1309:  for a long time, conventional wisdom has pushed people with abusive parents to maintain a relationship. But that’s changing now as it has become apparent that the endless cycle of ruined hope followed by devastating self blame is so damaging. 

I say if there is a chance she is going to ruin your day, cause you angst, cause you anxiety, remind you of her endless suicide attempts (been there, done that, and I will never do it again), DO NOT INVITE HER. 

You have a right to be happy. You don’t owe her anything. Until she gets treatment and apologizes and takes responsibility for her behavior, you do not need to question your right to be free of her emotional tyranny. You can have compassion from afar, but you don’t need to subject yourself to her abuse..

Post # 4
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. My personal feeling is that you should do whatever is going to make you feel happiest in these very difficult circumstances. There are different ways of looking at this – on the one hand if you invite her, there will be enough people there to ‘buffer’ her from you, and you will need to mingle with everyone so your time with her will be minimal. Also, you could ask any siblings/bridesmaids/ushers to keep an eye on her. However, if you think it is going to make you feel anxious or unhappy that she is there, don’t invite her. It’s not worth it – it’s your day to celebrate your love for your partner, there should only be two people that automtically get invited to a wedding, for everyone else it’s a privelege.

I really hope verything works out well for you Bg1309 xx

 

Post # 5
Member
7020 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Don’t invite her!  I know it’s brash of me to say that, but do you want the life back you had before?

My Fiance also has an emotionally abusive mother who will use everything against you if you make her mad, even if you’ve done as little as not answer your phone. Luckily, she’s never threatened committing suicide. We haven’t talked to her for almost a year… and there will be others at our wedding that have cut her out of their lives, as well.  We didn’t invite her, no matter how much she’s tried to weasel her way back into our lives recently.

How comfortable would you be with her there?  How comfortable would your guests be?  Is it possible she changed?  I would say forego the invitation.  A reconnection should happen during lighter times.

Post # 6
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

“At the end of the day, I really don’t want her there. After everything she’s put me through I have no feelings toward my mother anymore.”

If you feel this strongly about her not being there now, I honestly don’t think you’ll regret it later in life. Furthermore, if you invited her and she came, you would be stressed out about it all day. Then the day becomes about her, not you and your fiance, which is what this joyous occassion is supposed to be all about.

My personal feelings on the matter is that a wedding is about the bride and the groom, and if there is any chance that someone will come and make the day about them, then that person should not be there. Just because you’re blood does not mean your family. No one needs that toxicity in their life.

“and I can feel like I did my part and at least tried.”

Why should you try if she doesn’t? I’m a firm believer in “you get what you give” and if she’s not trying to better her abuse towards you, than why should you give her the chance to continue her bad behavior. I think you did the right thing by cutting her out, and it should stay that way unless she makes a tremendous effort to change and shows improvement.

Good luck OP!

Post # 6
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Bg1309:  If you don’t want her there, have no relationship with her, and you feel she’ll make a scene..I would not.

Post # 8
Member
8959 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Bg1309:  I have a lot of mental illness in my family too. It sucks — sorry you’re in that same boat. Is there any reason why you’re sending Save-The-Date Cards out 14 months in advance though? That’s REALLY early even for a Destination Wedding, and especially when you’re conflicted on whether or not to invite your mom. Save-The-Date Cards are not required, but once you do send one, you’re pretty much locked in to inviting those who got one. You could buy yourself some time by not sending her an STD, but if she starts hearing about others getting one, she’ll understandably be confused and upset. It’s much more typical to send Save-The-Date Cards at 6 out and that’s what I recommend you do. Maybe reach out (without mentioning the wedding) and see how she responds. If it’s the same old same old, you’ll feel better about not inviting her. If she seems reasonable, as the time gets closer, you’ll have a better idea of whether you’d like to invite her or not.

Post # 11
Member
481 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

For what it’s worth, I invited my mentally ill, abusive, alcoholic dad to my wedding. We hadn’t spoken (except over the phone once) for over 5 years. He told me that he’d love to go, and I’d even limited the amount of alcohol purchased so he couldn’t have access to get drunk and ruin things. I thought it was time to give him another chance at being in my life, and I was cautiously excited about seeing him after so long.

He didn’t show up. My mom called his house that night and heard from his girlfriend that he had a funeral, or some other made-up place, to attend instead. 

Only you can decide whether to invite your mom or not. Think about it and do what’s best for you. And remember, if she starts repeating her past behavior to you in the remaining time until the wedding, you can uninvite her. Etiquette is not all it’s cracked up to be, especially when you’re dealing with an abusive parent. And who knows, she might accept the invitation and bail on you anyway.

Post # 12
Member
4082 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

BalletParker:  THIS x1000.. 

Go with your gut on this one OP, only you can determine what will make you the most happy, content and the least stressed or not worried. 

Post # 13
Member
20 posts
Newbee

Bg1309:  Wow, I could have written this myself. My wedding is in 9 days. I did not invite my mother and she is threatening to show up anyways. As a child of a severely mentally ill parent, and as a mental health professional by practice, I would say to set healthy boundaries that keep you and your significant other happy and healthy. You are under no obligation to invite anyone, blood relative or not. At the end of the day it is about you marrying the person you love, and if you think she will ruin your day then she doesn’t have to be there. Good luck! xo

Post # 15
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Don’t invite her. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t “owe” it to her. Only have people around you who life you up and are positive. If she is not one of those people, she doesn’t deserve to be there.

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