(Closed) to invite or not invite? Help! (very long)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3849 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@acciotoni:  if you want your sister there, you will invite him.  They are a couple, like it or not and have to be treated as a social unit.  They are a package deal or nothing at all.  It is your choice.

Post # 4
Member
9145 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Serious relationship = invitation.  Sounds like your sister is dating an awful guy but the more you and your family treat him poorly, even if it’s the result of his bad behavior, the more he will convince her it’s an “us” versus “them” issue with us being your sister and him and them being you and your family.  But maybe he was just having an off-weekend and wasn’t acting like his normal self.  He may not have wanted to make the trip at all and your sister pushed the issue.  Who knows?

I also don’t think it would be out of line for you and your parents to take her aside once (and I mean once only) and let her know what they think about his rude behavior.  I wouldn’t tell her to break up with him.  Tell your sister you love her and you hope to see what attracted her to him the next time he comes around the family.

Post # 5
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I wouldn’t invite this guy. He’s a douche. Just because your sister is sleeping with him doesn’t give her the right to invite someone that treats your parents like that to your wedding without even asking you. Further, I’d let her fix it. It’s her badly behaved boyfriend in the first place. I’d just say, “Because of the way he’s treated mom and dad, he’s not welcome at my wedding, and you really should have checked with me before you invited him, but since you didn’t, this is between you and J, so please let him know.”

Anything else she has to say on the subject, just say, “I’m sorry, but this is between you and J. If you try and put me in the middle of it, I’m going to terminate this conversation.” If he makes amends with your parents, you might reconsider, but otherwise I don’t see any reason you should.

This opinion will probably offend all the people that believe a wee-wee in a hoo-ha a social unit makes, and that being part of a social unit automatically entitles one to inclusion in any and every social function, regardless of how much of a blue-titted jackweed one is.

 

Post # 6
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Are they living together? Other wise 6 months to me does not equal a package deal in this case. I would go living together/engaged/married. He just met family for the first time too. I would talk to your sister and let her know you are uncomfortable having him there and making your parents uncomfortable. They are paying and it is your day. I think she will know enough people there that she can make do without him. be prepared for her to not be happy about it though.

 

Post # 7
Member
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

If you invite her with a guest, and you should, it’s her choice who that guest is. I might, though, have a conversaition with her about how she is dating someone who sounds like a total douche. Has he picked up the plane? If he left it on private property, I would suggest that the proprietor have the plane impounded.

Post # 8
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would say invite him, not inviting him means you will have a fight with your sister who may threaten to no longer attend the wedding. Additionally while it does sound like he was extremely rude to your parents, it also sounds like he was under a lot of stress about his job and may have felt pressured to go (from your sister) without feeling comfortable because of his job situation. Invite him, and if things get worse, it may come to a point where the family needs to have a serious conversation with your sister, but for now lets hope he was just not  himself or she soon realizes hes a jerk. 

Post # 9
Member
7908 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

You should invite him. He’s in a relationship with another guest, your sister no less.

Post # 10
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m not saying J acted correctly, but your mom never should have emailed him, she should have emailed your sister, and it sounds like communication broke down in multiple places that led to the situation getting worse than it was. 

With that said — you have to invite him if you don’t want to create even more drama with your sister. 

Post # 11
Member
3831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Invite your sister +1. Here’s hoping she breaks up with this lunatic before your wedding!

Post # 12
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Okey dokey,

So it sounds pretty bad, actually it sounds really bad..in fact it sounds SOOOO bad that I cannot believe for a single minute that this isn’t just a case of a series of unfortunate events mixed in with several HUGE misunderstandings.  Honestly, I had to read it twice….

You love your sister, right?  And your probably know her better than most people too, yes?  Do you honestly feel that if this guy was the enormous jerk that this post makes him out to be, that she would even waste her time with him?  I sincerely hope not, if she’s into him enough to take him to meet the folks, and HE’S into her enough to fly up there in inclimate weather, you better believe there’s something there worth taking notice….

So he decided to fly up there himself against your Dad’s advice, that’s what young guys do, AND if he knew that your Dad was a pilot, he might have been trying to impress him.  Sure, it sounds silly, but totally believable.

He was probably nervous and not trying to be rude, if he doesn’t know how to use a weapon and is generally uncomfortable with them I get why he refused one, if an unknown dog was charging up to my pets I think I would defend them, but throwing a log seems a little extreme, and if I made a trip knowing I had to be back by a certain time or else LOOSE MY JOB, I might freak out a little too when the prospect of being unemployed in this economy became too real for comfort.  E-mails are dangerous things between strangers, especially when $$ becomes a topic, I’m sure the e-mail was written with the best of intentions and no scariness at all, BUT as I’m sure you’ve noticed even on these boards, it’s pretty easy to take something the wrong way, and fast if it’s just words on a screen.

I’m not defending this guy, he might be a total jerk and deserve to have bamboo shoved under his nails for all this stuff AND the stuff you don’t know about…BUT, what if it really was just the most horrifying alignment of awful stuff ever a la Meet the Fockers and our poor J is feeling shades of Gaylord here? 

Just offering some perspective, he probably feels awful about how all of it went too…if it were me, I would give him another chance and invite him..you just never know.

Post # 13
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Neetch:  Why on earth would the mom be out of line emailing the guy to let him know he needs to contact the neighbor about his plane and pay off the balance on his ride home? (Normal adults can contact each other directly about these things rather than play telephone through family members. 😉

And then, of course, the sister is refusing to facilitate any of the communication and threatens to hang up on her when the mom tried to go through her because the boyfriend is a douchebucket to the mom, so fat lot of good it’d have done her anyway.

Post # 14
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Nona99:  

I could go along with “series of unfortunate events” until the part where he starts refusing to pay for his ride home and threatening to sue people if they move his plane, which he left on someone’s landing strip.  

Post # 15
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Elvis:  Who knows how he read that e-mail, it could have easily been misunderstood as something actionable to start with, especially with the weekend going as badly as it did.

Post # 16
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Elvis:  This has nothing to do with “normal adults”. This has to do with major family drama, including a boyfriend the family has now met once and issues involving money. The sister should have made sure the guy got paid, it was a situation orchestrated by her family, etc. The mom emailing the sisters boyfriend only leads to more drama and miscommunication. Any time there is drama, I think it’s crazy to not go through the actual family member — you’re just setting yourself up for more of a breakdown. 

I would say the same is true if the sister had brought a friend there that then had refused to pay for something — of course the parents would go through the sister in that situation, why is this situation any different?

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