Post # 17
@acciotoni: Ok first and foremost, they haven’t been together very long and it doesn’t sound like they are living together, engaged or married, therefore you do not have to invite him.
That being said, this is your sister, and she will likely make a stand against you if you don’t invite him, and she may not attend herself. If you are ok with that then don’t invite him. Otherwise, invite him, but have people in place to escort him out if he causes any trouble.
Post # 18
@Elvis: +1. I have no room in my life for this type of nonsense. And I’ve been in the sister’s position, it really (really) sucks, but there are consequences for bad behavior and you can’t blame people for shielding themselves from it.
Post # 19
This guy is a royal douche. I wouldn’t want to invite him either! But shat is the likelihood that your sister will come if she can’t bring him? One word of advice, don’t complain about him too much to her. The more you do the more she will stick with him. It’s called the Roneo and Juliet effect.
Post # 20
@Neetch: I don’t know, it just feels immature to me to ask people to carry messages back and forth like that; it just shouldn’t be a big deal. And I would never expect that telling someone they need to get in touch with the person whose property they left their vehicle sitting on, or that I was paying part of their transportation bill, and letting them know the remaining balance, would turn into drama. (But who knows, maybe the mom threatened to have the plane towed and told him the people that gave him the ride were going to take him to small claims court if he didn’t pay up.)
But regardless, I think when the bf blew up over it, the sister should have stepped in to handle it, but she seems kind of spineless from what’s written here, so I imagine that’s why the mom may have gone direct to the bf about moving his own damn plane in the first place. 😉
Post # 21
That sounds really awful, and I don’t blame you, or your parents, for not wanting him at your wedding.
However, this is your sister…and if you’re close with her, I don’t think the “she doesn’t get a 1+ unless they’re living together/engaged/married” applies.
You’ve got a ton of awesome reasons to not invite him and one really good reason to – your relationship with your sister (even if she is being very unhelpful at the moment). He’s just one person at your wedding, and if preserving the peace with your sis is worth it, it’s probably very possible for you to mostly avoid him the whole day/night.
Post # 22
@Elvis: I think the point here is that it already WAS drama. Both sides had already taken offense (I don’t think it’s as simple as saying he’s to blame for everything though). Though if my mom wrote an email to my boyfriend after meeting him for the first time essentially bitching him out — I mean, yeah. That would clearly create more drama. This isn’t just two people who met on the street — it’s the boyfriend of their daughter.
It doesn’t really matter for the point of the OP though — she needs to invite her sister, and him, which she already knows. Not doing so would, again, play into the drama already present.
Post # 24
You don’t have to specifically invite him but I do I agree that your sister gets a +1. Hopefully, her +1 won’t be this enormous asshole that she’s dating right now.
Post # 25
A lot of Bees like to throw around whoever is paying makes the decisions.
It this case, I agree. He is too unpredicible to have at the wedding.
He DOES NOT need to be invited, sister or no sister.
Post # 26
thank you every one for your input! It really helps to sort out a sticky situation like this with unbiased opinions. I’m sure I’ll end up inviting J so that this can (hopefully) be out behind us, but I am definitely, definitely not happy about it.
@ieatunicorns: no, they are not living together. she was actually planning on moving to the same city as him this month, and would be living with him until she found her own place, and he was very unhappy about that situation. He didn’t want her living with him at all! She has since (after all this drama) decided not to move, since she would be giving up everything (house, job, family, etc.) and he wouldn’t be risking anything.
Yeah in hindsight, she probably should have gone through my sister for communication, but she had no clue that he would react the way he did. She sent a completely friendly message (no mention of towing or civil suits lol) and he sent back a very angry, accusatory message.
I definitely think he was pressured into coming up, but he is a 42 year old lead psychologist at a hospital, so I believe he should have understood the risks of flying into a remote location in his time constraint, especially when a seasoned pilot who knows the area is telling him not To do it. I have no pity for him!
and yes, he has moved his plane. He hired someone to come get it and fly it back to him. He also got angry at my parents because he had to pay the pilot to come get his own plane, but I expect nothing less from him now.
Post # 27
@acciotoni: YIKES! I figured he was a young guy…because it just sounds like a lot of things an inexperienced young man might fumble with….knowing that he’s so much older and educated makes all of that sound like a cat crazy weirdsmobile…invite him and include an invoice for the stuff he didn’t pay for with it!
Post # 28
@acciotoni: This guy CAN’T be a psychologist acting like a damn toddler!!!!!!!!!
No.way.in.hell. should he come to the wedding…you don’t know what stunts he will pull.
It was rude of your sister to assume he was invited.
Post # 29
A 42 year old psychologist??
Well he’s just a big, ole, screwed-up, mess of an asshole. She needs to drop him like a hot potato and run like he’s the devil. I’m glad she changed her mind about moving. Sounds like he sending out signals as subtle as lawn darts that he’s bad news.
Post # 30
This is one of those situations where I think that “etiquette” is ridiculous. This is YOUR wedding, you want to have the people that YOU love and care about there. Moreover, your parents are paying for it, and I assume they’d also like to have the people that they love and care about there.
This guy is a D bag. Your family has barely met him, your sister hasn’t been dating him long, they’re not living together, I think this is totally within your rights to make a stand and refuse to invite him. The “social unit” thing is crap, especially in a relatively new relationship.