(Closed) to invite or not invite–his female friend

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

It certainly doesn’t hurt to bring it up and let him know how uncomfortable you are with her being there. Do you have any exes coming to the wedding? I know you said she isn’t technically an ex, but I would be a little bothered by someone like your’e describing.

I’m all for open communication. If something is bothering you, let him know. Just try to do it in a very calm and non-threatening manner.

Post # 4
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@lafille:  How many years ago? How old were they?

Post # 5
Member
9550 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it’s worth talking to him but I certainly wouldn’t demand that he take her off the list. If she’s important to him you should respect that. But you also have the right to tell him what’s going on with you. And that conversation will probably make you much more relaxed when he tells you he loves you and is marrying you and he wants her to be there as a friend.

Post # 7
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@lafille:  Hmmm this would probably make me uncomfortable.  If they were like 13 and kissed a few times no big deal.  If they were in their late teens to twenties and were having sex… it would probably bother me.  I wouldn’t want anyone at my wedding that had slept with my hubby.

Post # 9
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You have to mention it to him, but I don’t think you can impress your insecuities upon his feelings for this woman. And you definatly cannot DEMAND she not attend.  He and she have a past, but it is not wrong and you should not make him feel bad about it.  If this is one of his longest, oldest, friends then it is natural for him to want to invite her to celebrate his marriage to you.  Think about how you would feel in you fiance’s situation and he wanted a good friend of yours to be excluded from the wedding. 

Just giving you the point of view of an engaged woman who has maintained long-term friendships with crushes of yester year and would be crushed if Fiance asked that they not come to our wedding.

Post # 10
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

In my very personal opinion…anyone my Fiance or I have hooked up with won’t be attending our wedding.  When I mean “hooked up,” I mean having sex.  I just don’t think it’s appropriate to invite somebody to our wedding that either of us have been intimate with out of respect for one another.  That is my own opinion though.

If it bothers you that much, definitely speak to him about it.

Post # 11
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am all NOT for inviting anyone that makes me uncomfortable at my own events especially one so special.  They are not really close anymore like good friend so I would just scratch her out of my guest list. What would be the reason or purpose for it? 

Wedding is for mostly closest friends and family not use to be close friends of the opposite sex you use to hook up with?  It would be odd to me she was even a consideration. 

Post # 12
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My Fiance has a female friend who was a huge issue early in our relationship, and they’ve since become distant (and I don’t really think they talk at all anymore). He knows I despise, hate, loathe, every other similar word, this girl. Before we were even engaged, I told him she is not invited to any party involving me wearing a white dress…and he didn’t try to argue. It’s your special day with him; you shouldn’t have to think or even have a single thought of someone that bothers you on that day. I personally do not believe in opposite sex close friends…and the fact that they once had some sort of romantic feeling for each other would automatically make the idea of her coming totally wrong. Speak up! He loves you, you’re the one who matters, her presence isn’t necessary. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m actually having this same issue except roles reversed.

I had a friend that I “fooled around” with before meeting FH. Mind you, we were younger, just around 15-16, so it was nothing major! Lol. Although my friend was interested in me, I was always thought of him more as just a friend. 

He is actually somewhat of a mutual friend between FH and I except FH has never been all too fond of him, ever! He refuses to have him at the wedding just because of our background and his dislike for him in general.

I feel awful not inviting him because we were the closest of friends growing up, but I can understand where FH is coming from.

Ask hubby to be if he thinks if his friend would be offended if she wasn’t invited to your wedding. If both of you can agree that perhaps she wouldn’t be, there is no point in inviting her. After all, you need to make eachother happy before you make anyone else happy. That’s kind of how I looked at it in the long run.

Post # 14
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

No Ex-es of any kind at MY Wedding… that would be my rule of thumb (then again I live in a BIG city and not a small town, where things are a bit different in that everyone knows / is related in someway to everyone else)

Last thing a Wedding Celebration needs is either

(a) the Ex-es making inappropriate comments about one member of the couple, “I remember when…” OR 

(b) someone else making such comments “There’s his Ex, he used to really get it on in the backseat of the car with her when we used to double-date”

None of this is appropriate at a Wedding… so why feed the fire with the potential for it?

If I was in your shoes, I’d be having a heart-to-heart with the Groom… don’t make it so much an insecurity (you shouldn’t have ANY doubts about YOUR relationship going into a marriage), BUT as something that just makes you uncomfortable because your Wedding Day isn’t about each other’s PAST RELATIONSHIPS but about the PRESENT and the one you are making for the FUTURE (and nothing should taint that in any way)

Just my opinion.

 

Post # 15
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with it either.  I’d do as other bees suggest and approach the topic with your Fiance in an open, non-attacking manner.  I’d tell him you’re not comfortable with the idea of her being there, explain your feelings (again, don’t attack or attribute it to your insecurities, just say you’re not comfortable with it), and see what he says. 

Remember, it is YOU/YOUR FI’s wedding; nothing should make you uncomfortable or unhappy that day.  It’s about the two of you and the love you share; nothing else should matter or bug you that day.

Post # 16
Member
9550 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I have to say I’m a bit surprised by a lot of these responses that are totally banning exes. In college my group of friends all dated each other and we’ve all been invited to each others weddings. In fact, my best friend from college married one of the crowd and attending the wedding were exes for both the bride and the groom. Multiples of each. It wasn’t an issue. The friend part is more important than the ex part. All that said, inviting exes didn’t bother any of us because we all know each other and are friends and aren’t really jealous types, I guess. Obviously it does bother you so that makes things a lot more difficult. Like I said before, talk to your guy and let him know how you’re feeling. But don’t just not invite her simply because she’s an ex. She’s not just an ex. She’s a friend.

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