- 7 years ago
When I was 4 years old, my mom married a man with a few children who were my age. From the ages of 4-13, they were basically like siblings to me. One of these kids was my stepsister, Lindley.
We had our ups and downs like any kids but I always considered her a sister, and I loved having that relationship. Unfortunately, my mom’s marriage to Lindley’s father ended when I was 13.
More unfortunately, it was because Lindley’s father..well, had developed an interest in me that wasn’t appropriate, let’s say. What he did was devastating to myself and my mother, and led to years of pain, depression..and of course, the breakdown of my sisterly bond with Lindley.
Over the years she and I have kept in touch, and infrequently saw one another. Our relationship feels strange now for a few reasons; she knows why our parents marriage ended, but she has never said it aloud. In fact, even knowing what her father did to me, she continues to this day to have a close relationship with him. Additionally I should add…I believe Lindley was herself abused by her dad, and at a very young age (8 I think), I remember her “acting out” and em..well, making me play “games” I wasn’t too comfortable with.
I feel very conflicted. Lindley’s relationship with her Dad is her own, and I understand it must be so hard for her. At the same time, selfishly, all these years I’ve felt like she picked him over me. But of course she would…I wasn’t her blood sister. And, of course there’s the fact that she too contributed in some way to my abuse, although she was a child and most likely just acting out what had been done to her. But it’s still a very unspoken, horrible thing between us. I’m not sure how to feel about it.
Still, I can’t get over those 9 years of wonderful sisterly friendship, of knowing I had the sibling bond I was so desperate for. All the family trips and sleepovers and memories. All the years afterward trying to stay close and ignore the two elephants in the room between us.
I want to invite her to my wedding because in my heart, I still see her as my sister. I know I shouldn’t invite her, because our relationship is obviously complicated. But if I don’t invite her to the biggest event in my life, it feels like the final nail in the coffin, that our relationship will officially be dead and unfixable.
Bees, I don’t know what to do 🙁 🙁 🙁 I am so conflicted and sad. Because of her dad and because of what she herself did, I don’t know if I can ever have a normal relationship with her again. Maybe it’s best for my own recovery to let this die in my past. But I have such a hard time letting go of people I love, and I’ll never have a sister again.
I’m so messed in the head aren’t I?