(Closed) To Invite or Not to Invite…..

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
773 posts
Busy bee

I am in the camp that it is unbelievably, extraordinarily, unbearably, impossibly rude to invite someone to your wedding ceremony but not your reception.  


I cannot believe that your friend hasn’t come across anyone discouraging such behavior.


I know you’ll probably get a lot of people telling you not to boycott the wedding if you care about your friendship with this person, and to invite them to yours, but I’ve got to be honest and say I’d have a hard time doing that.  I’d not go, definitely not send a gift, and I’d take her off my guest list.  And if she asked why- I’d tell her. 

Post # 4
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. Your friend has zero manners. I also believe that if you can’t afford to invite everyone to the reception, then you either don’t invite them to anything or you scale back your reception. To pick and choose like that is wrong. Unless you’re doing an LDS wedding and you only get invited to the Open House or something like that, but that’s a WAY different and totally acceptable situation. Also, the crappy invitation sounds awful, too! I mean, c’mon.

If you want to avoid sour grapes with her, I’d probably still invite her to mine (it’d be awkward running into her/hanging out with her all the time, right?) with her Fiance listed (almost in a way to be like ‘here’s how it’s supposed to be duh’) but I would probably not go to hers stating that I was busy or something. And if she asked, simply say that, "well I wasn’t going to go to a 30 minute ceremony with a 6 hour gap and show up for dancing if i wasn’t even invited to the rehearsal" or something to just drop the hint. Unless she has some really good, valid excuse for this. I’m just really against this. It’s like "yes come, bring a gift, but we won’t buy you dinner". Don’t bring a gift and don’t go to the shower, either. Just come up with "dres shopping" to do or something.

If you don’t care about maintaining a tension-less relationship, take her off your guest list and scrap it all. Don’t go to hers, don’t invite her, and just comment that we’re having a smaller weddinmg with the people most important to us. SNUB RETURNED!

Post # 5
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

That’s why I only  invited people I wanted to both ceremony and to the reception, not in stages, feelings will get hurt when you do it in parts

Post # 7
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

To offer the flip side perspective, I do actually know someone who has done that as well.  His reasoning was that if people really wanted to help him celebrate his marriage, then the ceremony is the place for that. The reception,  due to budgets and their desire for a smaller wedding where they could spend time with the guests, was then kept more intimate in size. Now, he said a lot of people DID get mad at him, but it was the best way to balance what he and his wife wanted for the day.

What does seem rude is the way she responded to you about only giving RSVPs to people she wanted at the reception. If her intention is to keep it small and intimate, she probably could have found a more tactful way to say that, such as explaining the reasoning behind her decision.

As for her attending your wedding, If you don’t have to decide right away, get some distance from the initial hurt/anger and then make a decision. Right now, I’d be right there with you in boycotting indignation. But, with a little time, you may either get more information from her that paints her decision in a more forgiving light, or you might at least come to peace with your decision not to invite her, knowing it was not made in anger. 


Post # 8
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Good for you! It was cheap and tacky what your friend did to you. I would take it as a sign of what she truly means of your friendship and consider it a stepping stone to moving on to people who value you more.

I wouldnt’ think you’d HAVE to invite her parents either. Maybe she’s just inviting a bunch of people to get gifts or something skeezy. I"ve learned that a lot of people who declined my wedding still send gifts

Post # 9
145 posts
Blushing bee

Wow.  I’m glad you took her off your list.  I’d tell your parents about it and tell them not to attend or send a gift if asked (and you don’t need to invite her parents).  This really looks like gift-grubbing to me, especially because of her response when you asked about the RSVP.  I can see how financial constraints could force someone into a position like that, but if that were the case, I think the reply would have been more like "We simply couldn’t afford to have a large reception, but we still really wanted to celebrate with you, so we were hoping you could come to the after-party."  Hers was more "we didn’t want you there." 

And if she asks why you didn’t invite her, you can say "We couldn’t afford to invite everyone we wanted, and we certainly didn’t want to be rude and just invite people to the ceremony."  *evil grin*



Post # 11
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think that <span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-weight: bold”>Yes it was rude the way she told you that she only send RSVP cards to the ones she wanted at the reception.  There was difenetly a better way to tell you the situation (whatever that situation is – budget- capacity etc…)

If you are true friends with this person, I would simply talk to her and find out the reason’s for the way she is running her wedding.  If you still feel upset about it and don’t want to attend her wedding – then thats your call.  Just take the time to find out what her situation is….


Post # 12
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow. Rude. I agree, if you want to have people celebrate your marriage, then there is no in between. I would probably still invite her to my wedding, but not attend hers. If she asks, I’ll tell her straight up, "I was under the impression that you didn’t want too  many people there" Make her feel the dumb one.

Also — what I really don’t understand is if she invites your parents, then why oh why would you feel obligated to invite hers? This part I don’t get…

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