(Closed) To invite or not to invite…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

jen1981:  There’s etiquette-wise saying she needs to be invited. It is your day, not your friends’….they can do without her for a few hours.

Post # 32
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

jen1981:  Apparently most people missed the part where you mention that she is married to one of your husband’s  friends. Invite both or none. If she doesn’t want to be included,  she will exclude herself as usual. I say invite.

Post # 33
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

jen1981:  Yes, you need to invite her if shes the wife of one of your FI’s best friends. She may or may not come. You should be the better person. 

Post # 34
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

I can’t get my head around the fact that she wants nothing to do with you even though your Fiance left his first wife before you even came into the picture.  Yet she’s still friends with HIM.  That doesn’t say “loyalty” to his ex to me!  If her whole problem was being loyal to her friend the ex-wife, she wouldn’t be having anything to do with your Fiance.

Post # 35
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

WallNut:  agree. she sounds nuts and i wouldnt lose sleep over trying to create a friendship with her. i wouldnt even bother to invite her to dinner or meetup. You are not obliged to try to win over this woman that hates you so much.

Post # 36
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

PP are saying it is against etiquette to invite only half of a couple, but since when do etiquette rules trump all circumstances, even unacceptable behavior? Etiquette rules should be followed on an all-other-things-equal basis – not blindly, not to the detriment of one’s own happiness and security. No one is owed an invite, not even a spouse of another invitee. If you ARE going to invite one spouse but not the other, you’d better have a good reason, but I think OP has a very good reason in this case: it sounds like the friend is rude, petty, has openly rejected social contact with OP,  and has told OP’s husband not to mention OP’s name. I’d invite the husband, but not the friend, and to hell with anyone who thinks etiquette rules are more important than the golden rule. People who are mean, petty and nasty deserve to be shunned by people who don’t want to be treated meanly, rudely, and nastily. It’s called real-life consequences.

Post # 37
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

ohnatto:  Well written! Totally agree 1,000 times!

Post # 39
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Nope. My Fiance was also married previously. Luckil yeveryone hated her so I don’t really have this issue. This is my first wedding and his pas tone had nothing to do with me. We are getting married because we are in love and thats it. Anyone that causes problems or treats me any less fo rbeing a second time bride will not have an invite. Period.

Post # 40
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Invite both or none – that’s a rule you cannot get around! I know you have the best intentions, but from my perspective, it’s tacky to have a big discussion about it with them and make a spectacle of it (no matter what she has done to you)!!! It puts her husband in an impossibly awkard position that won’t help anything. No one with manners is going to speak poorly of his spouse to someone else. You’re hosting a party – you choose who you invite. They choose if they accept the invitation. Period. You’re probably not going to be able to “resolve” this based on the history you’ve explained, anyhow. And, frankly, it doesn’t seem like it deserves much of your time or energy (you’ve already tried!). Stick to the rule of invite both or neither but I would seriously consider inviting neither. Not to be petty or get revenge, but simply to avoid the drama she is clearly prone to causing, and because she is not your friend or supporter and you’ve never even met her, she has failed to reciprocate to polite attempts you’ve made to get past this. You are entitled to not have this woman at your wedding. But that’s your and FI’s decision, and I wouldn’t make a scene and production over it because it’s repeating what she did to you in a sense, in terms of the way in which she got you uninvited from the previous wedding. You have to let this die and move on, don’t fuel the fire – it’s immature and a waste of time. You can do that by either (1) Rising above, being the bigger person and a truly gracious lady and inviting both, no discussion. If she shows up with her husband, ask if you can get her a canapé, say “nice to meet you, hope you have a lovely time” and don’t give her a second thought – you probably won’t bump into her again all day, believe me – you’ll be occupied with more important things! OR (2) Inviting neither and moving on, no discussion, no gossiping to other people about it, etc. 

Post # 41
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Just invite. There’s no way around it. She doesn’t have the power to ruin your day.

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