Post # 1
Okay, so I’m going to make this as short as possible while still trying to give all necessary details. It’s been a LONG year.
My question is, has anyone not invited a close family member (parent,sibling…) to their wedding and if you didn’t, did you end up regretting it?
My soon to be husband and I are stuck between what feels like a rock and a hard place when it comes to inviting his mother to our wedding. At the end of the day, it is his mom and he will have the final say, but I’m hoping there are some bees who can shed some light from dealing with similar circumstances.
Within the last year there have been multiple instances where my fiancé has spoken with his mother regarding her disrespect for him, me and my family. From referring to us seeing our families on Christmas as “meeting a quota” and being mad that we weren’t spending ALL DAY at her house, yelling at him in front of everyone at his birthday party for no reason at all and three months ago calling me “some kind of evil” telling him it’s her or me and then told him to have a nice life and proceeded to walk out of it. (And that’s just a few of the many instances where she has shown blatant disrespect for he and I). Thanksgiving has come and gone with zero mention of reconciliation and I wouldn’t be surprised if Christmas was the same. My fiancé has already made the decision that for there to ever be a chance of reconciliation, that she needs to give us a sincere apology which would take admitting what she has done.
But it gets tricky, because in October he and I are getting married. As of now, he says we won’t be sending her a save the date or an invite if she doesn’t sincerely apologize. My question is, is he going to regret not sending his mom an invitation to our wedding?
They were close growing up. His parents are divorced and while it was made clear to him that his father was the reason why, he was made to live with him. Things only turned sour with her after I came into the picture and encouraged him to be his own person, and make his own choices instead of living by her rules and guidelines. I believe him becoming his own person is largely to blame for her behavior towards him and us. I would just hate for my fiancé to one day regret not inviting her if that is what he chooses, but I also don’t want her to cause him pain on what should be the happiest day of our lives. Advice is much appreciated! Thanks in advance!
Have you ever had a falling out with a close family member and ended up not inviting them to your wedding? Do you regret it? Why or why not?
Post # 2
It is up to him and you don’t have to decide anything right now. Your invitations don’t go out for months.
Post # 3
CanMurph : I’m aware of that. I’m just not sure how to help him through this process, and it’s something he worries about often. Just trying to get some advice I can pass along to him to help make things a bit easier on him. Thanks though.
Post # 4
- Wedding: Chateau Lake Louise
mrstobe_43 : I’m not inviting any of my family to my wedding. In my case I have no doubts, but it’s long experience that got me here.
Ultimately no one is entitled to a spot in your life. No one. People who aren’t respectful, who practice emotional blackmail, or who issue ultimatums aren’t people who have earned a place in your future. The fact that the person acting this way is his mother makes it more unforgivable, not less.
You teach people how to treat you. If he were to relent and try to coax her to come, she’d likely act like a martyr and try to make him beg. It would also show her that acting that way is an effective means of getting her way. It’s a terrible precedent and totally counterproductive.
He’s already done the hard right thing by calling her bluff. Giving in now just makes it worse, later. You don’t want someone at your wedding who feels nothing but nasty about you. How would you feel if she caused a scene?
She has demonstrated her bad behavior. At this point she needs to earn back the privilege of being included in your lives. If she’s not willing make that effort, she doesn’t deserve to come. The only thing to regret is how much damage she’s already been allowed to cause.
Post # 5
teamroro : Thank you so much for your insight! He has already said some of those things and we feel a sense of relief that she has chosen to not be a part of our lives at this point. But I know it still hurts him, because after all, it is his mother. But the disrespect and manipulation isn’t welcomed in our home or marriage. I just dont want him to not invite her and then all night be thinking about it instead of enjoying our reception. Maybe as the months go on, he/we will feel better about it. Or maybe she will realize she has done some serious damage and work to repair things. I think only time will tell. Thank you so much for your advice!:)
Post # 6
- Wedding: Chateau Lake Louise
mrstobe_43 : Don’t get me wrong; I miss my mom. I wish she were someone who could be excited for me and get involved in planning and be a part of all this. But i know she can’t. She’s not capable of that and I can’t continue to let her hurt me or harm my relationship just because I wish things were different.
He probably will be sad. It’s a process grieving for people you love but have had to exclude from your life for your own good. It’s better to be sad and sure you did the right thing, than sorry you let them back in to hurt you more.
Good luck to you both and the family you are creating together.
Post # 7
mrstobe_43 : I think it comes down to does he want a relationship with her in the future and if so what would not inviting her mean to the likelihood of that.
I didn’t invite one of my siblings to our wedding but I have zero desire to ever have a relationship with them in the future. But I didn’t come to the decision to cut them out of my life lightly and they did way more than say a few things.
I also want to say that your husband should probably see a therapist. Mainly because of things you have said in your post which may indicate that he is a pleaser to the dominate female in his life and to make sure he really is making his own choices and isn’t just making choices that please you.
Post # 8
j_jaye : He’s definitely not making choices lightly and neither of us wanted this. She unfortunately made the decision to walk out of our lives. I agree that he needs to see a therapist, and so does he. But unfortunately working 70 hour weeks doesn’t provide a lot of down time. He’s a people pleaser, not just women. It’s something that he’s been working on, putting himself first. He has always been the one to make the final decisions regarding her and his family. It’s not my place to decide how things go. We discuss things as a team, but at the end of the day, they are his family and it’s his choice how things go. And he knows I support whatever he chooses.
Post # 9
Invite her. Then if she doesn’t come it is on her.
Post # 10
mrstobe_43 : My dad is a drunk a-hole in denial, so I didnt invite him or any of his family. No regrets.