Post # 1
So, im having a little bit of a dilema. Im getting married in four months and im unsure if i should invite my daughters dad, i was orginally going to invite him because he had been dating someone for a few years, who i felt kept him in line aka stopped him from being the giant asshole he is most of the time… but they recently broke up and now im having major doubts.
The biggest problem here is that i am on extremely good terms with his parents… like his mom invites me to go to yoga and coffee with her and i love his parents and absoloutely want them to be there and it is important to my daughter who is 6 that they be there as well. his parents would also be the ones taking her home after all the big reception events are over. But the more and more i think about it the more i feel it may not be a good idea for him to go. Truthfully he was pretty horrible to me and everyone in my family and all my friends know it too, To say they hate him would be putting it lightly. I want to be the bigger person and show my daughter that me and her dad even if its just pretend, can be nice and civil with eachother. Im just so confused and i dont know what to do? how would i invite his parents and not him? how do i tell his mom, “sorry we love you but we kinda loathe your son and so does everyone else, so he’s not invited”
Im totally freaking out over here and we send the invitations out next week, so any and all advice is greatly appreciated!
Post # 2
I think you should go with your gut feeling. If you two got along great and your family & friends liked him it would be a different story. Maybe try talking to his mom before sending the invitation. If everyone already knows things have been difficult it’s probably going to be expected.
Post # 3
gullyscully : “I want to be the bigger person and show my daughter that me and her dad even if its just pretend, can be nice and civil with eachother.”
This frame of mind would only teach your daughter that it is fine to keep hurtful people around, for the sake of “appearances”. As a woman, that is a dangerous notion to instill on a child. I realize that custody arrangements probably force you to interact with him, but that doesn’t mean he has a right to participate in your life.
Someone who deeply hurt you – and by extension, your daughter – has no room in your life. If feathers will be ruffled by not inviting him, so be it.
Post # 4
gullyscully : We have a decent relationship with my husbands ex wife, decent as in— everyone plays nice for the kid and we can all exist in the same room or space and there not be brawling or anything crazy– even normal pleasantries are exchanged and it’s becoming less and less awkward.
That said, we did not invite her to our wedding even though she’s still in contact with her ex in laws and they are all on good terms. Partially because we just don’t have that type of relationship with her and partially because OUR wedding wasn’t the place to display and prove a point about their co-parenting abilities. My husband and her are able to display that on the day to day basis that they need to communicate or be apart of sports, school functions, birthday parties, etc.
Post # 5
Invite the grandparents but not him. You do not want your day ruined if he acts up. Your daughter will be happy his parents are there. If he treated you like shit I wouldn’t even give this a second thought.
Post # 6
I want to be the bigger person and show my daughter that me and her dad even if its just pretend, can be nice and civil with eachother.
Except, it sounds like you can be as reasonable and as civil as you like, but the possibility that he shows up as the “giant asshole” he was during your marriage is too high.
You can’t control how he’ll act and if he can’t act like a grownup, then your daughter will just see mom getting bullied again by her dad. And that’s not a good lesson for your child to pick up at age 6. Also, if every family and friend on your side hates him, that’s gonna add a lot more fuel to the potential fire.
Post # 7
NO one will think it is weird you didn’t invite your ex to your current wedding at all for any reason. Inviting an ex of any kind to your wedding is weird in my opinion and no one will think it odd if you leave him out even if his parents are there. Sounds like his parents are there to watch your daughter. Are your parents not going to attend? I take it they cant take your daughter for the night? If everyone knows your daughter’s grandparents are there to watch her and take her home after the reception than they won’t ask questions as to why your ex isn’t there. Don’t worry about it, don’t invite him and enjoy your night. It also might be nice to not invite him so your fiance gets to have a clean slate at his wedding too. If it were me in your fiances position i wouldn’t want my fiances ex there, or well their parents either. I would appreciate the respect of having the day be about our family not my ex’s family. I know your daughter is part of your new relationship but that doesn’t have to include her dad’s family. Your daughter can understand that her dad and her dad’s parents are part of her life forever and they love her, but it is ok she knows that they don’t have to be a part of your life forever. That is perfectly healthy.
Post # 8
I don’t think you should feel bad about not inviting him. Even if he wasn’t an asshole, he is still your ex. Nobody would think it is odd to not invite your ex.
I would recommend talking to his parents about it first, just so they don’t expect him to be invited and then feel hurt when they find out he wasn’t and that you didn’t talk to them about it first. Be as honest as you can without actually calling him an asshole, and assure them that you still love them and want them to be there.
Post # 9
Sounds like your ex’s parents are lovely people that you are still close to.
Trust me, they probably “get” it then – as in, they aren’t stupid and know how their ex behaves and how it affects relationships, and how you feel about him.
If they are mature, kind people, then they won’t be put off.
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
No I wouldn’t. You’ll have your daughters wedding to invite him too or throw with him. Even if you’re on good terms, and you used giant asshole, so probably not. It’s awkward. Enjoy your wedding without the ex.
Post # 11
gullyscully : I don’t think pretending is good, but being civil/mature is. Being a role model for your daughter is a good thing.
If you already invited him, I think it would be rude/frowned upon to retract the invite. But if you haven’t invited him yet and you don’t feel comfortable doing so, maybe just letting his folks know ahead of time the reasons why you didn’t invite him might be a good idea especially since you’r eon good terms.
Good luck to you Bee!
Post # 12
We actually get along EXTREMELY well with hubby’s ex-wife and mother of his youngest son. With that being said, we did NOT invite her to our wedding and she did not invite us to hers, which was a few months before ours. But, we did invite her parents and they came and she invited his parents and they went. You have a relationship with his parents, not him. He is obviously toxic to you, why would you want to see him on your happy day? It’s just poking at the bear to bring up the past, in my opinion.
Post # 13
My parents divorced when I was in preschool and both remarried to different people when I was in early elementary school. They were always civil to each other when I was around as a kid but they never attended each other’s weddings or events. I think as a very young child, it would confuse me more if they did attend each other’s weddings because divorce was confusing enough. As I grew older, I learned that they were realllly toxic to each other. I appreciated learning that they set boundaries for themselves and I appreciated that they didn’t pretend anything for the sake of “me.” I don’t know why, but I would feel guilty and a part of their divorce somehow if I later learned that they pretended to be happy and friendly for the sake of me. Kids just want to see their parents be genuinely happy. I don’t know if this is helpful, but I’m sharing from a child’s perspective.
Post # 14
i wouldn’t do it if i were you. even if you’re still in good terms with his parents, doesn’t mean that you’re in good terms with your ex-husband. some things are meant to let go for the better. celebrate your day without the thought of him acting up!
Post # 15
claroquesi : all of this.
OP- invite the grandparents. Your daughter’s father doesn’t need to attend and you do not need to invite him.