(Closed) To invite or not to invite

posted 10 years ago in Reception
Post # 3
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I’m going through a similar decision of "do I rally need to invite my thrid cousin who I didn’t know existed until my mom said I should put him and his wife on the guest list JUST because he is technically family?"

 I see nothing wrong with inviting people to the dessert and dancing portion and not the rest, but I think it gets too tricky to ask them to the beginning and end but not the middle.   Of course, I’ve never been through this before so I don’t know.  Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

It is not proper to invite someone to the ceremony but not the reception.  Yes, I understand you’ll say, that they are invited to the dancing portion.  Doesn’t count.  You are excluding them from dinner.  Technically, I don’t think that it would be proper to invite people to just dancing after dinner, either.  That’s like a double whammy.  You don’t make the cut for the ceremony, and you have to find yourself your own dinner too.

With that said, if your friends all are aware of what is going on and are OK with it, then why not?  Wedding etiquette is there so that people are not offended.  If those folks in question won’t be offended with the way you want to invite them, then it isn’t a problem.  But I would really try to get a feel for whether or not they would be on board with this.

Post # 5
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I kinda gotta say that I think it will be awkward at best to have people at your ceremony, not at your reception dinner, and then at your reception dancing.  If the ceremony were earlier in the day or at a different location (i.e. different building, not different floor) then this might work.  But you’re going to end up with people not really understanding that there is a dinner that they’re not invited to and confused as to why some people are heading upstairs right away and others not.  Unless, of course, everyone is so close that you can tell them this is the case directly.  I just think it creates an awkward and inconvenient window for people to show up for a ceremony, leave for an hour and eat on their own, and then come back.  I went to a wedding at a manor once where there was an afterparty for some of the closer friends to stay the night.  But b/c it was in the same place and people started heading in and changing early, those who weren’t invited felt very confused and somewhat rejected.  I just think that it was pretty uncomfortable for those guests, and I wouldn’t want to leave people feeling that way, especially after they went to considerable effort to attend my wedding.  Some of the not invited people had traveled cross-country and at great expense to be there.  It was even more confusing b/c many of the people who were attending the after party didn’t know that it was a limited guest list, so they were also confused as to why some people didn’t know about it.

But I apprecite your sentiment that you want to include these people at your wedding ceremony, so maybe can you move the timing up?  If everyone’s going home and some people happen to come back earlier for dinner then it won’t be so strange.

Overall I think it’s likely that some guests will feel slighted if you do this, and it’s up to you whether that bothers you or not.  It will very likely depend on how much effort they have to make to be there in the first place.

Post # 7
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It reminds me of the scene from Father of the Bride when Steve Martin tells his 8 year old son that his friend can come, but can’t eat.

Guest lists are tough!  We’re planning a small affair too and are having the same problems.  Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Maybe you could work a comprimise, and skip the dinner. Hold your ceremony later at night and provide all guests with light apps and dessert only. This way everyone can have a little something, you still get your cake and dancing and the time with all your friends, and it cuts down on costs.

Post # 9
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

I’d also perhaps consider the thought of a cocktails and appetizers reception, or just cocktails and dessert. There’s no rule saying you must feed everyone dinner, and here you could include everyone you wanted.

I was on the "dessert and dancing" list once for my mom’s friend’s wedding. I was a college kid so of course I wasn’t exactly offended that I had an invite for free drinks and dancing. But my mom seemed miffed that I didn’t make the dinner portion. So if it’s younger people on your dessert list, they’d probably be way more understanding than a relative. With the ceremony though, I don’t honestly know how I’d handle that.

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