(Closed) To invite or not to invite…that is the question.

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: What would you do?
    Don't invite them. : (3 votes)
    21 %
    Invite them and go over budget even more. : (8 votes)
    57 %
    Wait until FI talks with Brother #2 then make decision. : (3 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 3
    411 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I, too, hate the guest list. There’s so much damn politics involved! If your reasons for not inviting them depends largely on budget, then I would stick to your guns and not invite the 3 daughters. Money doesn’t grow on trees and others can’t be insensitive to your budget! I also wouldn’t want to spend so much extra money just to avoid stepping on some toes, especially since these 3 daughters are not directly related to you or your Fiance. Just speak to Girlfriend directlly and explain to her that as much as you’d love to include as many guests as possible, your budget does not permit you to do so. However, if you have some wiggle room in your budget, I’d suggest to just include them, especially if you have a fairly good relationship with Girlfriend. Good luck!

    Post # 4
    44 posts
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Unless they get engaged between now and then, No, I don’t think you have to invite them. But I would keep that consideration in mind just in case. However, it’s perfectly fine to only include children who are IN the wedding.

    Post # 5
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    Well, first, they are 12-19, not 3-4 so I don’t think you have to worry about them acting up at the wedding.  While they may let loose a little bit in their own home, I’m sure by that age they know how to act in public.

    Second, I’m not clear on who the nephew belongs to- is he the son of brother 1 or brother 2?  And where do these girls live?  Do they primary live with brother 2 and gf, or with their father?  Assuming that nephew is the son of brother 2 and the girls live with brother 2 and gf, then I think if you are inviting one child of the household (nephew) then you must invite all children of the household.  It would be really mean to say, “well brother 2, I know you consider these girls to be your children, but we don’t, and only your biological child is invited.” which is essentially what you would be saying if you refused to invite them. There is no amount of budget-saving that would make sending that sort of message ok, and doing so would probably severely damage your relationship with brother 2.

    Now, if the nephew is NOT the son of brother 2, but is part of Brother 1’s family, then I think you have more leeway. In that case you could say that the nephew and nieces were invited because they were part of the wedding, but no one else’s children were invited.  I would not mention to him that you feel close to your nieces and nephew and not to his kids, because even if its true he’s likely to take it the wrong way.  But I think this only works if the nephew isn’t the child of brother 2, you know?  Think about it this way, if you had decided to have one niece in the wedding but not the other- would you tell brother 1 that he had to leave one child at home?  That probably wouldn’t have gone over well.  So that’s why I think if you invite one child in the household, you should invite them all.

    I really think you should take your guidance from you Fiance and his brother on this one.  Your Fiance wants them invited (and it’s his family), your brother considers them his daughters, and going against this is going to cause you way more drama than its worth. 

    Post # 6
    1403 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    So FI’s nephew is Brother #2’s son by his previous relationship?

    I always like to make hard-and-fast rules and stick by them.  In my case, my rule was relatives get to bring kids if they’re still living at home, and coworkers don’t get to bring any kids… no exceptions.  (Not sure what the rule for close friends would have been, but I only have one friend who has a kid, and the kid is my flower girl.)  I think if I applied my rule to your situation, then I’d probably end up inviting those three girls.  If Brother #2 and Girlfriend live as a family unit with kids, it would be hard to explain to them why you’re inviting the boy but not the three girls in that family unit.

    Post # 7
    1756 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I swear, guest list issues are going to give me a brain bleed. You are soooooooo not alone. In your case, I’d wait until your fiance talks to brother #2. There might even be a chance that girlfriend doesn’t want the daughters invited – maybe she wants a night without the kids. Or maybe the daughters won’t even want to attend – when I was their age, I would have rather hung out at a friend’s house than gone to the wedding of my mom’s boyfriend’s sister.

    Post # 8
    2427 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I voted invite them.  You mentioned that FI’s bro and his Girlfriend have been together for a few years and these girls are like daughters to him.  And while they may not be family to you yet, they are family to your FI’s bro (and very well may someday be family to you).  I think it wouldn’t be the greatest situation to exclude them.  It’s almost like you’re sending the message to the girls, “Hey, your good enough for FI’s bro, but you’re not good enough to come to my wedding.”  It’s almost like how some people say, “you invite one cousin, you invite them all.”  You can’t invite part of a family, and exclude the rest of that same family.  It would be different if these were adult children living elsewhere, but these are still young kids living at home.  I think it would create some serious tension later on town the road.

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