Post # 1
My husband and I talk about having a child or not from time to time down the road. I am 26 for the record and he just turned 35. Neither of us want more than one, and we both agreed we would really love to have a girl (if we could pick!) We both agreed maybe around the time I am 30. Just for reference, my parents had me when they were 35 and 42, and my brother two years prior. They waited ten years to have kids and I really think that was a strong decision on their part.
This seems rather silly, but I have been having almost an existential crisis over if I will ever have a child or not- some days I really feel like I would love to grow our family. I used to be a nanny and I loved it most days. There are then other days where I think, “am I nuts? Kids cost so much money! It will be stressful- I don’t know if I ever want to get pregnant!” Etc. Two months ago, I had a pregnancy scare. I did not tell my husband at the time- I know he would not have been ready. I told my mother who I am very close to in confidence- she is a Dr., so she gave me great support and comfort. It turned out I wasn’t pregnant, and I was very relieved- and I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be excited or relieved as a married woman. I was worried sick over it and relieved I was not pregnant. In hindsight, I think I should have told my husband but I did not want him to worry as we had been experiencing some marital stress.
Here are my questions for everyone-
1. When did you have children?
2. How many did you have?
3. Did you and your spouse agree on when and how many?
4. Has anyone here become pregnant unplanned and what did you do? How did you feel when you became unexpectedly pregnant?
5. Do you regret having kids or not having kids?
Thank you everyone. I love this forum, and you are all lovely to gain support from. ❤️
Post # 2
If you would love to have a girl, there are lots of lovely girls waiting to be adopted by loving families!
I don’t have kids and don’t plan on having kids, but if I did, I would adopt. You can pick out the perfect child for you! 😉
Post # 3
marlos : yes we have considered adoption! I forgot to put that up above. I nannied two boys and I loved them dearly. I would not be opposed to a boy but I would love to have our own child preferably, but we’ve talked about adopting. 😀❤️
Post # 4
I think you have to really reflect if you are just scared and not ready right now (but still want a child in the future when you’re ready), or if you are beginning to realize you’ll NEVER want a child. If the latter, you have to tell your husband. This could be a dealbreaker for him.
However, it’s totally okay to be terrified of being pregnant right now but still want a child in the future. I would be devastated if I got pregnant right now, it’s just not the right time for me and I’m not ready, but I definitely want children about 3-4 years from now. You can be scared of pregnancy and still want a child in the future.
Also, even if you ARE ready to have children, it’s still okay to be scared. It is a huge change and a huge commitment. There’s a difference between being anxious about it and not wanting it.
Post # 5
I don’t have kids yet but just wanted to chime in on the pregnancy scare. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you have to want kids now. I’ve been married for almost 2 years now (together for 10) and I would be petrified if I found out I was pregnant now. That doesn’t mean I don’t want one in the future when I feel ready.
My husband and I were actually planning on TTC this summer then decided we weren’t ready and to wait a year or two. We definitely have thoughts like “holy crap, kids are expensive! And change your whole life! That’s stressful!” But having those thoughts doesn’t mean we don’t want kids it just means we recognize what a huge life change it is.
Also, you are only 26 and said your husband agreed to waiting until you are about 30. That is 4 years away! A lot can/will change in your life in that time. You really don’t need to make this decision today.
Post # 6
We have one child. Yes we agreed on one from the beginning. He is a delight. I had him when I was 32 and he is now 2.5. He is the light of our lives 🙂
Post # 7
1) Both my Darling Husband and I were 31 with our first, 33 with our second. We were married for 4 years, together for 5.
2) We have 2, contemplating a third which will be our last child.
3) I wanted 3, Darling Husband wanted 2 initially. Baby #2 was a hard adjustment so we said we would discuss when he’s a year if we want another one.
4) First pregnancy wasn’t unplanned but it happened first try. I didn’t want to tell Darling Husband but I couldn’t keep it to myself. I cried and cried and cried. The enormous change of life weighed heavy on me and all the unknowns.
5) Never regret it for one second. Life is less carefree than before kids but they are just the best!
Post # 8
I have two children. Had them at age 23 & 26. Best decision, ever. One good thing about having them young was that I am at a perfect age to travel & enjoy life at 44-45 having already raised my kids. I have so much living to do & get to joyfully include my grown children. It’s a wonderful future to think about.
Post # 9
You sound a lot like me. I am 26 and my husband is 32. We currently don’t have kids but we decided to be one and done. We also hope for a girl 🙂 I don’t feel like a super maternal person and I’ve never felt any sort of baby fever, but I do think I would enjoy having just one. I’m an only child and my mom had me at 37 and said she felt the same, that she never really felt like having a kid but when she became pregnant with me (on accident) she realized this would be her last shot at motherhood due to her age so she went for it. My husband and I agreed that we would wait till I’m at least 30. He got to spend his 20s not changing diapers, doing school runs, chasing toddlers, and I’d like the same for my 20s. We did become pregnant on accident and I terminated the pregnancy, it was a joint decision and wasn’t a hard choice. I didn’t (and still don’t) feel ready to be a mother but I like to think when I’m in my 30s I’ll feel more ready. Fingers crossed I don’t get cursed with twins because I really really only want one.
Post # 10
Both 29. We have one sweet baby boy! I always wanted just one (and hoped for a boy) so things’ve played out pretty perfectly in that regard. The door’s always open for a second in case I change my mind, but I really don’t think I will. LO’s our whole world and makes our little family complete.
I doubt anyone here will say they regret their decision either to have a kid or not, and while I don’t regret having LO, I do wish we had waited longer to start NTNP. I would’ve liked to enjoy pre-baby life a bit longer. Babies are hard work (or at least mine is!).
Post # 11
Thank you everyone, these are interesting to read and so thoughtful and insightful!
I forgot to add in my OP that I think my husband would probably actually be completely happy if we never conceived too
Post # 12
(I’m 24, partner is 27) I became pregnant with my partner earlier this year, we had spoken about marriage and children before and agreed that engagement was about a year away and marriage one or two after that and we want/ed 2 or 3 children depending on finances and how we cope once we start having them, we’ve also agreed that I’d like to finish having children by the age of 32. All that aside we had an unexpected pregancy far before intended, when I found out I was pregnant the overwhelming feeeling was that it was with the *right* person, I don’t know how to explain but even though i wasn’t 100% if I wanted to continue the pregnancy I was sure about my partner. We spoke about it and were both conflicted for the same reasons;
the timing was not ideal and there were lots of things we had agreed we wanted to do prior to children
our current lifestyles were not super child friendly – however I think this is often the case even with people who are ready, things will always change somewhat
we wanted to feel more financially stable however we knew we would ~cope financially
we also didn’t want to terminate a pregnancy that was between each other as it seemed incongruous to the fact that we were sure we wanted a child together and realistically we were plenty old enough to handle it
Long story short we decided we were going to go ahead with it because it is what felt the most right, ultimately we unfortunately miscarried but I would make the same decision again. Not sure if that’s helpful to you :/
Post # 13
I have one daughter. She will be my only child.
Both my husband and I were fence sitters who ultimately decided to just try for one but with the proviso that is we had trouble, we wouldn’t be going through fertility testing, we would just revert to the child free path.
Although my daughter is my joy and my delight, and I feel we made the right choice, I also firmly believe that we would have been equally happy if we’d chosen not to try or if we couldn’t have kids.
The two paths in front of you- kids/no kids do not also represent happy/unhappy. You make of life what it is.
Post # 14
We don’t have kids and probably won’t in future. We’re not adamant either way, but I think it’s infinitely better to regret not having a kid than regret having a kid.
I’m generally more of a risk taker than most people I know, but having a kid might be where I draw the line risk-wise. (It’s weird to me that most people don’t seem to see it that way, but I guess it’s good for population growth haha.)
What gets me is there’s no escape once you start. People almost refuse to acknowledge the existence of regretful mothers, and deny them any solution other than “fake it til you make it.” (Given the intense stigma against admitting that, I tend to take polls like this with a grain of salt.)
I’m not overly concerned about some of the typical things (pain, ruining your body, expenses, hard to travel or leave home, physical disability for you or kid) even though those are MAJOR… I’m more concerned with not knowing how we’d really deal with it (every kid is different) and having no way to ever be happy again if parenthood wasn’t for us.
I’m sure this will sound like a downer in a sea of “kids are the greatest blessing” responses, but tbh they aren’t always, and although I’m an optimist I think it’s important to consider possible bad outcomes before making lifelong commitments.
Post # 15
1. When did you have children? Late-ish. My first at 34, currently expecting a second at 36.
2. How many did you have? So far, approximately 1.85 – soon to be 2.
3. Did you and your spouse agree on when and how many? We agreed on when, how many is still TBD. I want 2, he wants 3. We’ll see how 2 goes before we even consider discussing a potential third. I do not particularly enjoy being pregnant, nor do I appreciate the long-term effects of pregnancy on certain bits of my anatomy.
4. Has anyone here become pregnant unplanned and what did you do? How did you feel when you became unexpectedly pregnant? Yes, about 10 years ago. At that point I was in a fairly new relationship, not mentally or financially prepared for a child, and not even sure whether or not I ever wanted a child. I terminated the pregnancy.
5. Do you regret having kids or not having kids? The simple answer is that so far, I have no regrets, either about the child I chose not to have or the children I did chose to have. The more complex answer is that there are things I would have loved about a childfree life just as there are things I love about having a child – I just don’t think “regret” is the right term to describe the way I feel about the things I know I’ve effectively let go of in favour of being a parent. My husband and I made a choice between two potential lifestyles that we feel we could have been happy with and opted for the one that we believed would ultimately be more fulfilling for us.
In the end, I feel like there is always going to be a bit of a “leap of faith” element to this kind of decision, since it isn’t really the sort of thing you can do a trial run of.