To kid or not to kid? Thoughts, support, and discuss?

posted 2 months ago in Married Life
  • poll: Do you have kids?
    Yes and I am glad we did : (28 votes)
    60 %
    No and I am glad we did not : (19 votes)
    40 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    6608 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Well the good news is that at your age you still have a lot of time to decide. I wouldn’t read too much into the fact that you were relieved you weren’t pregnant during your scare. I mean that could be a sign that you’ll never be ready, but it could just as well mean you know now is not the right time.

    1. When did you have children?

    Currently about 4 months pregnant with our first. I’m 32 and dh is 37; we’ve been married one year.

    2. How many did you have? 

    We think we want 2-3 but will reassess after experiencing life with the first one!

    3. Did you and your spouse agree on when and how many? 

    We talked about “when” while we were engaged and agreed we’d start trying about a year after our wedding given our ages (if we were younger we would have probably waited a few years). After the wedding, I got kinda antsy so we wound up starting TTC earlier than planned, about 5 months after the wedding rather than waiting a full year. Right now we’re on the same page about wanting 2-3 kids, but we also acknowledge we have no real idea and need to experience life with one baby before finalizing that decision.

    4. Has anyone here become pregnant unplanned and what did you do? How did you feel when you became unexpectedly pregnant? Nope

    5. Do you regret having kids or not having kids? Too soon to say!

    Post # 17
    Member
    6000 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Never had kids. Never wanted kids. I’m old enough to be yo mama so I’m also old enough to know that I’ve been fine with my decision! But that’s just my personal experience.

    Post # 18
    Member
    1247 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t think you are going to get anyone on here admitting that they regret kids. There is a huge stigma in admitting that. There are a lot of people out there that feel that way though.

    I used to think I wanted kids. But then I asked myself, do I really want them because they would enrich my life and make me happy, or do I want them because it’s something married women are supposed to want?

    Post # 19
    Member
    672 posts
    Busy bee

    I really wanted kids and my now ex husband knew that.  We got married and then 2.5 years into it, he decided that he didn’t want kids.  We then got divorced.  (there was a lot more to the divorce than that, but it was the proverbial straw).

    While single, I started wondering if I wanted kids or if I knew that would break the relationship.  I was going to freeze my eggs just in case, but then I decided to just see where life took me.  I was no longer obsessed with the idea and figured if it was meant to be, it would happen. 

    I started dating again and met a wonderful man who has 2 older children, but didn’t want anymore.  He’s also older, so I understand his POV.  I think i was taken aback and first, but then the longer we dated, the more I realized that I was very fulfilled being with someone who had children.  And the kids accepted me into their lives and they often talk about how SO and I will be the best grandparents.  

    I am now 37 and I can’t say if I will ever regret not having my own kids, but I’m not willing to walk away from someone who has brought such joy and fulfillment to my life just in case I have those regrets down the road.  I found someone who has allowed me to have a family and that’s what I always wanted.  

    Post # 20
    Member
    853 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    1. When did you have children? 34, Darling Husband was 32

    2. How many did you have? 1 as of now

    3. Did you and your spouse agree on when and how many? Before I met Darling Husband, I wasn’t sure about kids.  When we met, I was sure he was the right guy for me, and a family was a must for him… 

    4. Has anyone here become pregnant unplanned and what did you do? How did you feel when you became unexpectedly pregnant? No

    5. Do you regret having kids or not having kids? No, but if you asked me in the months after he was born, I was seriously doubting our decision.  Our son was colic, and pretty severe being that it lasted around 6 months and that sh*t is EXHAUSTING.  Now though?  He’s 2.5 and while he gets into everything and can be a handful, he is the COOLEST DUDE ever.  I’m so proud to be his mama and love our little family, so, so much.  I’m also super glad I met Darling Husband and chose to have children because I can’t imagine going through life without experiencing the joys of being a parent.  It’s a huge life change, it’s true… but for me, totally worth it. 

     

    Post # 21
    Member
    1600 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    You’re only 26… unless your guy is in a huge rush, I’d just wait for a while.  Plenty of fun adventures to have in your 20s without kids!  

    I am 35 and pregnant with my first.  While ideally I would have started a couple years earlier, life had other plans.  I split with my ex-husband right around when we would have started trying, in part because he wanted to push back our timeline and we were generally on different pages about children.  Now in a super happy relationship and we are thrilled about the kid to come.

    But I am SO glad I didn’t have kids in my 20s.  I went to graduate school, went on a ton of fun non-kid-friendly adventures (backpacking, whitewater rafting, traveling to and living in 20 different countries, etc).

    As long as neither one of you is already anti-kids for good, I think you can wait til you continue to live life and mature a little more.  If you’re like most people, the desire to have children will come along eventually.  In my experience with all my friends, that began around 30 or so.

    Post # 22
    Member
    711 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    I’m 26 as well and so is my husband. We are definitely NOT ready for kids. It isn’t so much an age thing for us as it is a financial stability issue as well as the fact that we enjoy so many freedoms atm that we would not be able to enjoy as parents. My mom had me when she was 33, so I would not be opposed to considering parenthood in my thirties. If we still feel the same way in our thirties though we won’t have kids – having children out of a sense of obligation is definitely the wrong reason to do it!

    Post # 23
    Member
    314 posts
    Helper bee

    1. When did you have children?  I was 21 when I became pregnant; 22 when I had her.

    2. How many did you have? Only one so far; with FH we will have at least 2 more.

    3. Did you and your spouse agree on when and how many? My first was a surprise, we married shortly before I became pregnant.

    4. Has anyone here become pregnant unplanned and what did you do? How did you feel when you became unexpectedly pregnant? Yes. Terrified; excited; scared; happy; sad… It was a whirlwind of emotions because it wasn’t in my plans. As time went on, I became so happy and grateful for the opportunity to be my daughter’s mother. She chose me for a reason.

    5. Do you regret having kids or not having kids? Not at all. 

    In my opinion, having your own child will allow you to grow and experience love like nothing else ever will. There are so many things I’m improving and learning about myself because of her. The love I feel is insurmountable and honestly that is the best part. She will always be with me, God willing, and she helps me keep motivated and focused on why we do what we do. Work and husbands are always nice; vacations; freedom; they’re all good reasons to push it out a bit. But when I am old and look back on our lives, I know I would regret not having a family and experiencing life in that way.

     

    It expands your experience in this life. That’s the bottom line. Nothing else can touch it.

    Post # 24
    Member
    3202 posts
    Sugar bee

    I have always been the type that would be perfectly fulfilled without a child, but also perfectly fulfilled with a child. Being a mother was not a strong need for me, but now that I’m expecting our one and only child, I’m extremely excited and know that this will be a wonderful adventure. It took us 6 years married to decide to take this step, and I’m so glad we waited. Not only am I more patient, but the 8 years together have given us a really solid foundation that I know will remain after introducing a baby to the equation. We also got to the point where money and the costs associated with a baby will be easily absorbed so that we can focus on what matters to us- quality education and living environment, and providing opportunities to our baby for growth/experience, while still maintaining some of our hobbies that are part of our core identities (travel, golf, continuing education). 

    Of course, I have no idea how the actual parenting aspect will be. The daily grind could be a total flop. However, we’re fortunate enough to have flexibility in making our choices- working parent vs stay at home parent, hiring help if we feel overwhelmed (trying to maintain a household while working and spending quality time with our child). It’s hard for me to explain, but I feel like the actual parenting aspect that matters – mentoring, nurturing, guiding the child – are all things I’ll be really good at and enjoy (I am a teacher by nature, and fiercely committed to my loved ones). It’s all the other, peripheral things that worry me and will detract from the experience, so I’m taking steps to mitigate their influence so I can prioritize the parts that I think are important.

    Post # 25
    Member
    509 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    youmaysayimadreamer :  that’s great that being a parent has enriched your life that way but it’s not fair to say that nothing else can touch it.  My friend works for a human rights organization and travels around the world trying to make it a better place.  He would say that nothing else beats that for enrichment.  My other friend started her own business and it’s now quite successful  She would say nothing beats that for enrichment.   I volunteer and rescue animals.   Nothing beats that for me.  The point being,   we all have our own path that gives us meaning.   It’s incredibly naive, and a little immature,  to believe that path is the same for everyone.   Ok rant over.  Sorry to hijack the thread op.  Having  kids can absolutely be an amazing experience, but so are many other things.   Don’t believe someone who tells you it’s the only way to find happiness or have a meaningful life. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    1187 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2020

    1./2. We don’t have kids yet. Plan to start trying 6-7 years from now, when we’re 27-28.

    3. Both him and I knew (by 17 – when we first discussed it) that we wanted kids. He wants 2, I want 4. We have agreed to compromise at 3, but we’re also waiting to see how our minds change once we have the first two.

    4. We have not gotten unexpectedly pregnant (thankfully!) and it would be detrimental to our lives right now if we did. I absolutely LOVE kids and can’t wait to have my own, but I would be devastated if I were to get pregnant right now. I think it’s normal to want kids, but not want them right now.

    5. I don’t anticipate ever regretting having kids. I honestly can’t imagine a life where I would.

     

    Bee, I think you’re stressing over things that you don’t have to right now. You have four years – SO much time to experience new things and think about the topic more. Don’t feel like you need to make a decision right now, you have so much time! I also think it’s quite normal to be terrified when you do get pregnant, even if it’s planned. There’s a lot of hormonal and emotional factors that come into play with having a child, and even if you know it’s what you want, it can be overwhleming. Breathe, and don’t force yourself to make up your mind this very moment.

    Post # 27
    Member
    6608 posts
    Bee Keeper

    KittyYogi :  +1000

    While there’s something to be said for having kids in your early or mid 20s and then being able to enjoy the empty nest in your 40s, there is equally something to be said for enjoying your 20s kids free! I did so many awesome things in my 20s that I could have never done with kids. I’m not judging people who have kids early in life – I really think there are definite advantages to both paths, but it wasn’t until early 30s that I truly felt like “ok, I am ready to take the plunge” (I still don’t truly feel “ready” to have a baby in 5 months but the idea at least doesn’t petrify me, so that’s something!)

    Post # 29
    Member
    5981 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    1. When did you have children?

    We just had our first, a boy, this past December. I was 34, husband was 37. We have been together over 7 years, living together for 5, and married for 2. 

    2. How many did you have? 

    Just the one so far. We’re thinking of TTC Baby #2 sometime after our son turns 1 or 1 1/2. So that would put me, hopefully, around 36/37 and my husband around 40/41.

    3. Did you and your spouse agree on when and how many? 

    We both have always just wanted 2. Though for the first few months after our son was born, I was convinced I would NEVER do this again and that 1 was more than enough. Parenting is HARD. Add on my postpartum depression and I was a bit of a wreck in the beginning. I do remember thinking we made some terrible mistake and wondered who we could give our baby to. Thankfully I don’t feel that way anymore, but it was a scary time for me. 

    4. Has anyone here become pregnant unplanned and what did you do? How did you feel when you became unexpectedly pregnant? 

    Never had an unplanned pregnancy. Our son was very much planned. However, when I found out I was pregnant it was still pretty terrifying. It’s a huge life change and difficult to wrap your head around at first. It also happened much quicker than I anticipated (got pregnant the first cycle trying) so it all felt very sudden and shocking. 

    5. Do you regret having kids or not having kids? 

    Read my answer to #3 above. I do not regret it now at all. I love my son. He’s amazing! But there were dark periods. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    119 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    1. When did you have children? First at 35, Second at 37

    2. How many did you have? Currently 2

    3. Did you and your spouse agree on when and how many? We’ve talked about 2-4.  I think I’d have one more. 

    4. Has anyone here become pregnant unplanned and what did you do? How did you feel when you became unexpectedly pregnant? Yes, our first was unexpected (we were seperated at the time).  It was obviously jarring, but since I was older, I think mentally I was OK with it (and honestly OK with raising a child by myself- which didn’t end up happening, but I suppose it could have).

    5. Do you regret having kids or not having kids? -So, I wouldn’t use the word regret.  I love love love my children.  However, I also thrive off of my social engagements, my involvement with activities outside of the home, and my career.  So, it’s been a delicate balancing act- and honestly, I think I’m still figuring it out.  I am very glad I waited until I was in my mid/late 30’s to have kids.  We are financially more comfortable, I feel like I got in a lot of time on “me” things, and I’m just more patient than I was in my 20s.  That said, there are those moments when I look at my friends without kids and think- that looks like fun too.  🙂

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