(Closed) To marriage or not marriage? Am I doing the right thing w/this ultimatum?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3882 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You’re doing the right thing. You told him marriage is very important to you and after 3 ½ years, you’re ready. He’s told you he’s not ready and he’s not sure if/when he’ll be ready. Neither of you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but it does show that you guys are not on the same page about the future.

The fact that he is willing to move out and has agreed that you can see other people during this uncertain time, well to me it sounds like he’s happy to do whatever is required to get away from discussing marriage, and shows he’s really not interested in getting married. You should be with someone who wants to get married without having to talk them into it. 

Post # 3
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

In general, if someone tells you that they “don’t know if they ever want to get married”

 

…you should believe them. 

 

I get what you are saying about marriage and that’s a lovely, important way to think about marriage, but I also think that you want to reexamine your thoughts on “being in a relationship” versus “being married.” Yes, marriage is in some ways a different status, but a wedding does not culminate “being in a relationship”; it ceremonially is the starting point for marriage, which is …being in a relationship. In other words, if you have to beg and cajole someone into a proposal, you’ll probably find the “victory” rather hollow. 

 

Post # 4
Member
1807 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You’re doing the right thing. If he wanted to marry you, or was close to considering marriage, but was just waiting on a promotion or something, he would be fighting to stay. He’s moving out without a word, which to me means he’s really not sure about the relationship and is ok with letting it go. He’s not a bad person – he just doesn’t want to be married. 

I understand why it’s important to you. I wouldn’t want to even wait 3.5 years like you have if I felt someone was right for me. I’m betting you find the right person very soon, and you’ll be saying to yourself ‘I’m so glad I didn’t stay with him’. I was reading an old post just yesterday from a girl who broke up with her boyfriend because he didn’t want to be married. Her update said she met the perfect guy and now they’re engaged – all in the last year. 

Post # 5
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

I disagree with people who are saying neither of you is in the wrong. I think he is in the wrong. Seems like he led you on for a few years without being upfront and honest about his feelings until you gave him this ultimatum. It’s really upsetting that people do stuff like this. It’s one thing if you both were really young and still figuring stuff out. That’s not the case though. He’s also really lame for just letting you go without a fight.

Post # 6
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

That is rough but you are definitely doing the right thing sweetie. The fact that he is not fighting for you and is quite happy to up and leave without protest just shows that not only is he not invested in marrying you, he is not invested in a relationship with you either. I promise you will meet some who values marriage as much as you do xx

Post # 7
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

Okay bee, there’s a lot to unpack here, so here are just some of my thoughts: 

– You are 100% doing the right thing. Marriage is an important priority to you, and if he doesn’t want to get married after 3.5 years then it’s time to go (because at that age and after that long, his inaction is action). 

– The fact that he agreed to move out with a fight tells me everything about this. If he thought he wanted to marry you, he’d be fighting this tooth and nail. 

– You’re doing what’s right for your mental health. This may feel like it’s killing you now, but it’s temporary, I promise. It’s a far better alternative than staying and suffering for god knows how long. 

– Please try not to worry about your fertility. It’s far better to come to that bridge late in the day with the right man than it is to rush into children with the wrong one. 

Stay strong bee. Sending lots of cuddles your way. 

Post # 8
Member
11278 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
Erin Monday :  

Absolutely you’re doing the right thing.  Look at his reaction to your telling him to move out!  He made no effort whatsoever to work things out.  He did not fight for the relationship.  He’s either extremely passive or he just does not care.  Neither is desirable in a partner.

Is it possible he’s not taking you seriously?  That would really infuriate me.

All signs point to he’s just not that into you.  I’m very sorry, Bee.

Post # 9
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I’m sympathetic to him because he already told you he was unsure about marriage. I don’t get why some PPs are bashing him. Maybe he enjoyed his time and thought that maybe he would change his mind throughout the course of the relationship. He still told you he was unsure. You kept pushing. He probably decided that if was best to let you go and be happy. He probably won’t change his mind about marriage but he probably doesn’t want to be alone either. It’s best that you leave since marriage matters to you so much.

Post # 10
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

View original reply
pw067 :  why would someone fight for something they don’t want?

Post # 11
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
janvier :  exactly–he led her on by acting like he was fully invested but his actions showed otherwise

Post # 12
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Erin Monday :  

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You are comfortable to him, but he doesn’t want to commit his life to you. Move on to someone who wants what you want. 3.5 years is plenty of time to know if you want to spend your life with someone.

The breakup will definitely hurt and be difficult since there is no drama and you WANT to be with him, but if marriage is important to you, move on. You will meet someone who wants what you want!!

Post # 13
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Erin Monday :  

If he said he wasn’t ready that is one thing.

But he’s saying he doesn’t know if he EVER wants to get married.

Normally when someone says that it’s their way of breaking it down easily for someone else that they have no intentions of getting married. Now if he went into the relationship talking about marriage and then all of the sudden he is changing his song that’s another thing in itself. But if he went into the relationship not talking about marriage and you just assumed that because he was in a committed relationship that it would one day turn into marriage that is where you’re miscommunication began.

In my personal opinion marriage is a lot like kids. You can’t agree to disagree on those things, because someone who wants marriage isn’t going to wake up one morning and be super Ok with not getting that from their partner. Just as one partner isn’t going to sacrfice not having/having kids for the other when either one of those isn’t their wish.

If you’re SO is sure he doesn’t want marriage (which I think he is bee) then you need to decide is that’s VERY important to you. And based off you’re post it is, so why stay with someone who’s only going to make you somewhat happy? If he’s not willing to give you marriage and that’s something you need then it may be time to say good bye.

Wishing you nothing but the best outcome. xo

Post # 14
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

You are absolutely doing the right thing.  He’s not the one for you.  I met my fiance when I was 35, and will marry him this year when I’m 38.  There are plenty of stories on the bee and elsewhere of women getting married in their late 30s and having kids, so don’t freak out about your fertility and desirability.

Don’t beat yourself up too much about what happened, but when you are ready to date again, make sure to find out early how the guy feels about marriage (not with you, necessarily, but in general).  Don’t become emotionally invested in a guy who is unsure about marriage or is anti marriage, that is a recipe for disaster.

Post # 15
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Of course you are doing the right thing. I would feel just the same as you, in your situation. 

It isn’t just all about what he wants. You should have what you want too.

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