- Erin Monday
- 4 years ago
Hoping you can help me with this one.
I am 33 — been in a relationship with a guy for 3.5 years. He is 27. Responsible — pays for his parents mortgage, good job, reliable, sweet. I never have to wonder where he is, never worry — he’s faithful, tentative and honest. I adore and love him.
Except…we seem to be unable to progress the relationship further. Especially when it comes to marriage.
Marriage is important to me. It means the ultimate declaration of love — a promise, and a declaration of faith in the relationship. It is more than a piece of paper.
A year ago, we had a blow out over it. He said he “didn’t know if he ever wanted to get married” but that he’d figure out his timeline by February. February came and went. For 6 months after, I tried not stress — and to just enjoy the relationship. But a few months after, I started withdrawing emotionally and began bringing things up again – in a calm manner. I get a whole lot of “nothing” in response.
Him: “”I’m just not ready yet.”
Me: “Why, what’s holding you back? You know that I’m 100% sure, and 100% all in.”
Him: “I don’t know.”
Me: “Am I the woman you want to marry?”
Him: “I think so.”
Me: “After 3.5 years don’t you think you’d know?”
Me: “Don’t you see that this is driving me slowly insane, and causing a great deal of emotional turmoil? I feel like my needs aren’t being met, that they don’t matter!”
I’m really, really angry and frustrated. The resentment is twisting me as an individual and I can’t seem to let go of it. It’s making me unpleasant and bitter to be around and it’s led to the gradual deterioration of the relationship. I’m not happy. He’s not happy. I’ve just started meds to kick the depression, and I finally feel strong enough to do something about it.
I’ve brought forth an ultimatum and asked him to move out, he’s agreed to do so next weekend. I’ve also let him know I love him, I want things to work out, but that he can’t have me all to himself while he figures himself out. He has agreed to all of this without a fight. I am a bit demoralized that he doesn’t want to come up with an actual solution, fight against this, meet in the middle, or try to come up with a timeline. All I can think is that he really doesn’t love me, and that I’ve been a fool to “give away the milk” as long as I have.
I am trying to avoid him as much as possible (we’re trapped by an ice storm for at least two more days) until he can make good at moving out (next weekend). But he keeps coming up and trying to hug me/cuddle/trying to be cute. And I am trying not to cry/capitulate.
Do you ladies think I am doing the right thing? I feel like I’m dying.
In all my past relationships, I initiated the breakup, and I did so decisively and respectably. It hurt. But I ultimately could do it. For some reason, with this one, I feel like I’m suffocating myself.
I keep wishing I was strong enough to not give a crap about marriage, and to trust him implicitly: trust that he won’t go anywhere — and ignore this horrible fear that I’m being strung along until something better comes along.
I am incredibly anxious about my age and desirablity/fertility, which is compounding all of this.