To marry him or not? Advice and maybe commiseration.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1839 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Most of this sounds like a fear of commitment.

But if you truly believe you should postpone the wedding I think it’s time to break up. If you can’t be sure after 10 years when will you be sure?

When you imagine yourself growing old, is he beside you?

Post # 3
Member
2310 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I know it has been 10 years, but how old are you? If he has been your only boyfriend and you are 23 years old, I could see the hesitation. If you are 33, that might mean something else. 

 

Post # 4
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

I’ve been going through a similar situation myself.. you should read some of my previous posts on here (and I received really good advice from a lot of bees), but while trying to listen (and listen to the exact same inner voice that you have been hearing) I too have continuously still gone back and forth being torn on whether to stay or break up. 

Long story short we’ve been together for almost 8 years, I’m now about to turn 34 and he is 41. Our situation has been a bit unique in that he runs his own company and I have been working for him this whole time and we have pretty much run and grown the biz together which has been both fun, exciting and challenging and stressful at the same time.

Just like you I kind of feel like I completely fell into it, and next thing I knew we were living in a hotel together (for work reasons) which ended up turning into 7 years. He was so focused on work and trying to also balance the personal side of our relationship, which ended up resulting in a lot of my emotional needs not getting met for a long time (such as getting on the same page for priorities for marriage, kids timeline, more intimacy etc). Inside I was becoming more and more confused, but despite all of that we have been best best friends, incredibly close, he has been loyal and caring and a good person to me in other ways and we’ve spent almost every waking minute together. Which I know can be unhealthy and codependent too at times.

I got to a breaking point when I felt our goals for future weren’t aligning and a few months ago moved into my own place (which I happened to always have across the street), so it was kind of getting space but yet, not really. We still fell back into a trap of routine and he is trying so hard now to come around and tell me he wants to get married and do everything I’ve wanted him to do (and he admitted he’s sorry for making me wait so long) but now I’m the one who’s not 100 percent certain anymore, even though I still love him and have tried so many times to just give it one more chance. Every time I tried moving on, we both became insanely emotional and couldn’t break away.

Maybe I’m afraid to lose the comfort of what we have and knowing he’s there for me and loves me and wants it to work, but maybe I’m also afraid of change and starting over at this age and the uncertainty of what’s out there. It’s a scary thought! At the same time I struggle to also get to 100 percent certainty on either end, wondering if this has always been the right match for me and everything I’ve always wanted even though spending so much time with him made us become like the same person in a lot of ways. 

A decade is a LONG time to be with someone you aren’t committed to (unless you are both ok with that) but if you want to eventually be married.. what people keep saying to me is isn’t it scarier to potentially spend the rest of your life with someone you aren’t 100 percent happy with from the start? I can’t pinpoint the exact reasonings of why I feel the way I feel even though he’s an amazing person and is trying to fix things and do the right thing now.. but I also can’t ignore it? 

I know how hard it is to make and stick with a decision (especially in your case since you did get engaged) and the thought of letting go makes me feel completely sick to my stomach too.. because I feel like he won’t ever take me back, but I guess you can’t look at it that way and focus on doing what’s best for YOU and your life and put yourself first. I know I also need to listen to my own advice! Out of curiosity did you ever feel like you were madly passionately deeply in love with your FI? I know passion fades but I struggle with this question myself so I’m just curious. 

Sending you poisitice vibes on whatever choice you end up making! 

Post # 5
Member
3855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

He sounds like a great guy. You don’t have to have a ‘crazy falling in love’ stage, two great friends who became more than friends is a perfectly good way to start a relationship!

I guess you should think about why you feel like you want to leave him and decide if that reason is worth losing him for. Do you want to live a single life where you can do what you like without factoring in a partner? Do you want to experience being with other people? Do you want that butterflies and fireworks feeling? Remember the butterflies don’t last and then you’ll be right back in the same position again, just with someone else. When you say someone else might be a better match for you… you must be pretty well matched with your fiance! In what ways could it be better? Do you guys have matching visions or goals for the future? Do you want to give up the certain good thing you have for a hypothetical better thing?

It’s cliche but at some point love is a choice… it sounds like there is nothing actually wrong with the relationship, so you could choose to make it work. But you have to want to. At this point I think you need to choose one way or another – marry or go. I’m not sure what postponing will achieve that the last 10 years hasn’t. 

Post # 6
Member
4734 posts
Honey bee

I have dated plenty of nice guys.  I have NOT married plenty of nice guys.  Just because a relationship isn’t a total garbage fire doesn’t mean the relationship has to end in marriage.  It is ok to not marry the perfectly nice guy.  And you don’t need any other reason than “because I don’t want to.”  Give yourself that permission.  Once you free yourself from the trappings of what you ought to feel or having to have any reason beyond “because I don’t want to” it will probably be easier to decide.

Personally, I think if you have to try this hard to convince yourself of something, it probably isn’ the right thing.  I also think the sunk cost fallacy isn’t a good enough reason to stay in anything.  I’m not saying go, I’m just saying stop blackmailing yourself into staying and then make your decision.

Post # 7
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee

It really depends on the kind of life you want and need and where you live. Starting over in NYC you might have other options. Starting over in a place where everyone already paired off by 30 is going to be rough as you sift through leftovers. 

People are often optimistic that you *will* find the right guy – that’s not a given at all. I’ve met plenty of older adults in their 50s and 60s who never found the right person despite trying for decades. 

Maybe you’re happy being alone. Maybe you can’t stand the idea of ending up alone. You have to perform your own risk assessment. 

Post # 8
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You’ve got to talk to him bee. He deserves to know that the woman he is about to marry is having grave doubts about whether to even go through with it. That is crucial information and you just can’t keep it from him. Do the right thing and come clean. 

Post # 9
Member
844 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know if I would have married my husband in my 30’s. He is a wonderful man and I’m very attracted to him but I really wasn’t ready to settle down then.

It might just be cold feet, or commitment issues but you need to talk to him.  I suggest couples counseling. Its going to be a difficult, emotionally charged conversation a third party would help keep it on track.

Post # 10
Member
586 posts
Busy bee

Therapy is a good thing. Seriously. You are having doubts, but I don’t know if it’s because of him or commitment issues. Find yourself a good therapist. Talk it out. I’m literally the last person all my friends and family thought would see a therapist, but she has been the best thing that has happened to me. A bunch of women online can have advice, but… there are too many other factors that could be contributing to why you are feeling these things, and you will likely come across them in therapy. 

Post # 11
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

thebeeneeds :  A few years ago, I got divorced from my best friend.  We’d been together for 15 years, our entire lives were intertwined, we were 10000% a part of each other’s families, we had pets and a house, etc.  It was nearly impossible to fathom losing any of that.  BUT.  I wasn’t in love with him.  He deserved someone who was in love with him, and I also deserved to feel that way about my partner.

So we split up, and it sucked sooooo much for a while.  For him because his life was ripped apart more or less against his will (:(), and for me because I had to do the ripping and also lose my best friend and my entire world.  But – we are both happier now.  We both did a lot of reevaluation about how we wanted our lives to be, and made some important changes, and have new partners who we are crazy about and vice versa.  All I ever wanted was to be happily married to him – but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way.  So you adjust to the reality of the situation.  I don’t regret it, and he doesn’t either.  Like I said, we are both much happier in our relationships and in our new lives.

Anyway, point being, you really shouldn’t go into a marriage unless you’re sure about it.  Fear of uprooting your life isn’t a good enough reason to marry someone.  Your feelings are there for a reason, and they are probably not going to magically improve.  And the poor guy deserves someone who’s head over heels for him, right?  Be strong.  Your gut is telling you this for a reason. Do what you need to do.  

OR – at least postpone the wedding, talk to him about what you’re feeling, and go to couples counseling together. 

Post # 12
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m 32. I dated PLENTY of nice, perfectly acceptable, happy men before meeting Fiance.

All of those men… yes, they were nice, they were happy, we got along great, but I could tell something was missing. The clincher for me was always to think about growing old.. Did I see myself with them? Did I think that their (checkbox) qualities would make for a happy life-long partnership?

And the answer with all of them was no. I already knew, with all of them, that I was already unhappy enough with some qualities of theirs that it would just fester over time.

As I got older, I became very frustrated with myself. I thought maybe my standards were too high. Maybe something was wrong with ME, and I should have snatched any one of these guys up while the taking was hot. Maybe the “love” thing everyone talked about wasn’t real, or maybe it just wasn’t as great as it was hyped to be, and I was waiting on something that would never show up.

And then I met Fiance and immediately realized why I had waited so long, and why none of those nice guys ever felt quite “right.”

With Fiance, I don’t love him because of any of his checkbox qualities.

I love him to his absolute core. I love him entirely and completely because of all the intricate little things that add up to being him.

With all the other guys, I had always thought to myself (if I’m being honest) “I wish this was different about him” or “I wish he was more this or less that.” Because I didn’t love THEM, I liked THINGS about them.

With Fiance – he has ADHD which means that he often takes 10 minutes to tell a simple story, he often ignores me when I’m talking to his face (because something distracted him,) he’s a procrastinator, he tells long, drawn out, boring stories to people we just met who definitely do NOT care, etc.

In short, he has a lot of what people would categorize as “flaws.” But I wouldn’t have him any other way. Because all of those things are part of the same “system” that makes him so amazing. To me, they are just other amazing things about him that are maybe just a little less enjoyable for me to experience (lol.) I look at them as variety, things that will keep things interesting as we grow old together, not things to hate and wish away, things to obsess over as time goes by.

I guess, to me, that is the main difference that allowed me to know with Fiance what I never knew with any of the acceptable, nice guys that came before him. 

None of us can tell you which side to come down on – but I hope sharing my own experience/opinion helps a little bit. I’m incredibly sorry you’re in this situation.

Post # 13
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee

You shouldn’t be asking yourself this question after 10 years of being together. It sounds like you already know your answer.

Post # 14
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Tough love but you sound selfish. You waited 10 years to ask this question. Set him free so he can be with someone who wants to spend forever with him. You can’t commit but don’t want to lose him. That’s not your call..he deserves more

Post # 15
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

…I have to agree somewhat with furmama44, this honestly sounds like the reverse situation of a ton of posts on here. Imagine if your Fiance came on here it’d probably sound a little like this:

I have been with my Fiance for 10 years, both in our mid-30’s. We’ve put off an engagement because she wasn’t ready but she finally said yes! However, she just revealed to me that she’s never actually been “in love” with me and wants to postpone the wedding. 

I’d bet my right arm everyone here would tell your Fiance to dump you. 

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