- 2 years ago
Going anonymous for this sad and brutally honest post.
I need advice, y’all. I legitimately am not sure I want to get married to my Fiance.
Some backstory. We’ve been together for almost a decade, both in our mid-30s now. We waited forever to move in together (five years)…because I wasn’t ready. Then we waited four more years to get engaged for the same reason. He proposed in August, and for about the first month I was seriously over the moon. Planning was amazing, everything was coming together great, we love each others families, weeeeeee this is gonna be fun!
Then I got the first “bill” for a deposit on our photographer and everything came to a screeching halt (well, to me, at least, I haven’t opened up to him about this yet). To clarify, it’s not about the money. Instead, I had this awful, unconscious thought pop into my head when I went to make the payment — out of nowhere, I thought to myself, “Just wasted 1400 bucks on a wedding that won’t happen.”
This was two weeks ago. Since then, everything wedding related gives me a pit in my stomach. If I’m perfectly honest, I have always had doubts about my relationship. I never had the crazy, “falling in love” stage with my Fiance — we were more like two great friends that realized there was more there. And I have no doubt that I love him, and not just platonically because I think he’s handsome AF and I love to sex him up. He’s kind, extremely intelligent, compassionate, hardworking, and sweet. He’s the guy my friends wistfully compare their BFs and husbands to. He has flaws like everyone, but overall, he’s a decent catch.
But. There has always been a little voice telling me I tripped and fell into this. It tells me there’s a better match for me. It tells me I would be happier being single for a while. It tells me to cut him loose and spend time on myself. The problem, of course, is that I can’t tell if that little voice is an angel or a devil on my shoulder. I’ve kind of already realized that we need to postpone the wedding — it’s pretty clear I need to do some soul searching. But beyond that, I am split right down the middle. Am I an idiot for trying to make this work after a decade of uncertainty? Like, who needs that long to know if they are with the right person, right? Red flag! But on the flip side, the thought of leaving him makes me want to shrivel up and die. He’s my best friend and we are so close. If we break up, my whole world will rip out from under me. We have pets and a shared life together. I can’t really even bear to imagine the pain.
I know that long-term, “real” love has ups and downs, and I don’t think I have a terribly idealistic vision of what it should be like. But I do think it’s fair to say that I should be able to walk into a marriage feeling at least 90% certain that I’m making the right move…right? Or, should I look at this from a logical standpoint — in which case, he ticks off the boxes and I’m pretty sure we would have a happy marriage (if not a really good one).
So. ok, enough rambling. I guess, other than venting, I am hoping for advice. Any other bees go through anything like this? Did you marry or break up? What do or don’t you regret about your decision?