(Closed) To move in or not to move in.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

Everyone has their own boundaries. 

Carefully consider what is comfortable for you. There’s no one size fits all answer for this really. 

Post # 47
Member
586 posts
Busy bee

I was kind of in same situation as you. I knew we would eventually get engaged but wasn’t sure when. I moved in with my boyfriend this past October because he refused to get engagement/married before living together. I wanted to be engAged then move in or get engaged within a few months. So we comprised, and he told me on new years eve at midnight after we kissed that by the end of this year well be engaged. Then in palm springs in june he said by end of summer. Anyways, I think moving in has somewhat prolonged US getting engaged but I don’t regret it. Since we have moved in, there’s been a transitional period that could have made us or brake us. It’s been difficult adjusting and the pressure of getting engaged. So, in my case it was baby steps. In November it will be 3 years of being together. I think he bought the ring and a proposal might happen within the next couple of months. I guess I would suggest having in dept discussions of each person’s expectations and give yourself a walk date and if it doesn’t happen by say a year of living together, then move out. Explain what your expectations are and your timelines. Ie I want to be married by this time and have children by this time. And also, don’t live with him if your not comfortable either. Very relationship is different and unique and moves at its own pace. Ie waiting is hard, once I had an idea he got the ring, I calmed down 🙂 given a timeline made the wait that much more harder, now I feel at ease because I am pretty sure he will be doing it soon. Also, guys move at their own pace and rushing will back fire

Post # 48
Member
18 posts
Newbee

View original reply
housebee:  What does “waiting” mean exactly? Like, you know he is planning on proposing or has a ring already or does it men that you are just waiting for him to be ready to propose?

Post # 49
Member
18 posts
Newbee

Also…I would only move in if you fully trust your SO is serious about engagement and marriage with you. It may delay an engagement by a little but where I live..most couples seems to cohabitate before marriage and we have one of the lowest divorce rates in the country (Massachusetts). 

 

I just moved in with my SO and our relationship has become stronger. I love living with him and I’m impressed by his own nesting instinct! I can’t believe he actually looks forward to us going to Target and grocery shopping on the weekend. 

 

Now, we have no timeline and I’m not in a rush. He has told me to propose to him in past and I don’t think we are ready yet (financially)…I would probably say “yes” if he popped the question but…to me that is nothing more than an interesting observation. 

 

Before we decided to move in together I would have never considered living with a SO before marriage because I had a bad experience but my current SO is just different and theres an understanding that we do want a future with each other.

 

I will add one note and its just my personal feelings but I feel like when a woman spends years and years living with a man without an engagement loses some of her dignity. I told my SO this before we signed the lease…I pretty much was like “I’m not staying for years without that commitment”. He respected it and kept pushing us forward. Heres hoping this continue to go well but I guess in life you just never know!

Post # 50
Member
2833 posts
Sugar bee

My SO moved in with me after less than 6 months.  We are a bit older, and I wasn’t even thinking about marriage.  He wasn’t either, he said, until he had to go back home because his dad had a massive coronary and died.  He was gone for 6 weeks  When he came back he came back with a family engagement ring and a desire for marriage. His dad’s death changed him and he began to think seriously about the future and what he ultimately wanted.

I was shocked when he proposed, but after careful consideraton I realize marriage is the correct nest step for us.

If marriage is your ultimate destination, I wouldn’t do it w/o a commitment.

Post # 51
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’ve actually enjoyed moving in with my SO before getting engaged, because I feel like it has allowed me to enjoy each stage of our relationship fully, instead of having a bunch all crammed together. I’ve known people who have moved through so many stages of a relaionship so quickly, that I dont think they got to really appreciate it. I couldnt imagine how hectic life would be celebrating a new engagement, planning a wedding, moving into a new place, adjusting to living with your partner ALL AT THE SAME TIME. That sounds more stressful than joyful! If someone is going to marry you, they’ll marry you. If they’re not, then they can use a million excuses not to. I think that if you have to ‘hold the cards’ against someone, that you probably shouldnt be marrying them anyways. If you have to manipulate a man into proposing, is that the proposal you want? Maybe the stats say that a proposal is delayed because its actuallly on the right timeline, versus a forced proposal from one partner taht happens quicker. 

Post # 53
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I wouldn’t move until until you’re engaged. Personally I think that of you’re already playing house then there’s less motivation for a guy to get married.

Post # 54
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I went through the same thing. I decided not to move in before being engaged. We discussed it a lot and it was important to me. I’m happy I didn’t because now here we are almost a year later and he still hasn’t proposed. But I still feel confident in our decision. 

Post # 56
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee

I moved in with my SO last weekend and thus far I am REALLY happy.  Good luck!!!

Post # 57
Member
40 posts
Newbee

We rented a place with a one year lease.  I stated that I wasn’t comfortable moving in without a committment.   I agreed to move in based on that when the lease expires we would either be engaged with a date set or we would move into separate places.  We could continue to date, but not live together.   8 months in, I had a proposal and a date set.

Post # 58
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
zcuriousbuzzybee:  

If you want to get married eventually, it is best to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about marriage and have a clear timeline before you move in.

I never wanted to get married without living with my husband and he took cohabitation before marriage very seriously. My husband told me not to move in with him if I did not want to get married. We were engaged within two months of moving in together. 

Post # 59
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think it’s different for everyone.  However, men tend to be of the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality & tend to resist change.  So, once they get all settled into a comfortable living together routine, they may lose interest in taking the next step.

Of course, as I said, everyone is different.  Every couple is different.

Personally, I wouldn’t move in without an engagement or solid plan to get engaged within a very short period of time.  And I married a man who never put me through a waiting period.  He wanted to marry me & that was that.  I was the hold out.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to the OP’s question.

Post # 60
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
zcuriousbuzzybee:  dont be so lost. Find what’s in your heart. Take his desires out of it, and think about what you can live with and what you would regret. I wish you happiness.

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