To move to a new city with your boyfriend or not to move?

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
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  • Post # 2
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee

    Do you want to get married? Now is the time to tell him. If you have been living together for 18 months and together for five years, you are not giving him an ultimatum. You are making decisions a married couple would make about moving for a career prmotion but you are not married. You deserve commitment and security. You can tell him that this transition for him has made you realize that there are unresolved things in your relationship. Why not move as a married couple? You can have a simple ceremony and plan a wedding later if you want to. If he doesn’t want to get married and you do want to get married, I wouldn’t move to another state with him. I think your relationship is at a crossroads right now. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    116 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Expressing your concerns and needs isn’t an ultimatum. I think you can calmly and honestly express that you would love to make the move, but as his married partner, and let that open the door to a more serious conversation that is nowhere near too soon to have. You’ve already talked about it several times, so why not make it happen now? 🙂 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1037 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    I would normally say not to move across the country without more commitment, but I think it’s different in this case since you’re working remotely. Not needing to worry about a job change makes the process a whole lot easier (and easier to undo if something goes wrong).

    That said, this is probably a good opportunity to talk about where you both see the relationship going in the future.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1512 posts
    Bumble bee

    It’s sounds like a fun adventure, provided you have some meaningful discussions about timelines, lifestyle, goals, etc. 

    I did the same for my man, don’t regret it at all. You only live  once. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    526 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    happycamper1 :  Is this is city you’re interested in? If not, DO NOT move without a commitment but if it’s a city you can see yourself living in alone if things don’t work out, go for it!!!!

    Post # 7
    Member
    3125 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    happycamper1 :  5 years,  yeah no, talk Is cheap,  get the ring first….

    Post # 8
    Member
    1062 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2019

    I’ve been in a similar situation, I would not move without a ring. Discussing the level of commitment in your relationship is not an ultimatum

    Post # 9
    Member
    6530 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    If marriage is something that you are both in agreement that you’re heading toward, I agree with those saying this is the perfect time for you to initiate a discussion. If your SO is saying he won’t go without you, then it sounds like he’s pretty serious here, so he should be fully onboard with the two of you getting engaged/planning a wedding/married before moving to a new state.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1218 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    happycamper1 :  Hi Bee. I moved cities with my at-the-time boyfriend (now Fiance, as of next month, husband)

    I was living in his home city for years, but was planning to move back home. Then I met Fiance and those plans kind of falteres, but Fiance always knew I wanted to move home. It was a big move – 3,000kms from Canberra to Perth. Travel is prohibitively expensive. He knew that when we packed up the car, it could be a long time before he came home. As it stands, we moved to Perth in September 2017, and still haven’t been back to Canberra. We are planning to got there for a week over Christmas, however. It’s lucky his parents are retired and not short on money – they’ve come over a few times, and we Skype every Sunday.

    Anyway. My point is – we did it – he moved for me and we weren’t married. We had been together just over 3 years, living together almost 2 years. No ring. 

    But, on the flip side to that, anyone who is willing to give up that much for the person they love – give up their home, their friends, their family, their job (we both took a leap of faith and left Canberra unemployed) and everything they grew up with – well honestly, that speaks louder than a ring. 

    Turns out I got the ring in April 2018 anyway. 

    I don’t think your crazy for wanting some committment from him. You’ve been together for 5 years!!! I think if there are any doubts about what your future looks like, you need to work through them before you make this move. Uprooting your life is no small task, even

    I decided to take the leap of faith with Fiance and not having a ring didn’t even factor in the decision. He’s as much a part of me as my left arm. But if it’s something that’s causing you grief you need to talk to him about it. 

    Straight up ask him – when are we going to get married? Don’t let him deflect. Find out where his head is at.

    Post # 11
    Member
    915 posts
    Busy bee

    Yea have a clear timeline of when an engagement will happen if you go. I made the mistake of moving to another state with my now Darling Husband without a defined timeline of when things would happen. So it led to a lot of resentment and fights because his “soon” and my “soon” were not the same. If he is willing to do that then yes go. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    6674 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    It has been five years. Unless the two of you are 22, it is time for him to make a decision and a commitment. I wouldn’t commit to moving unless he committed to me first. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    311 posts
    Helper bee

    You know yourself better than internet strangers – you know what you want and what it would take for you to move. 

    My husband (then boyfriend) moved to live with me in a different city after less than a year together. It worked great for us, but I’m sure if I posted here back then I’d be called crazy. We weren’t engaged at that point, but we had decided to move through life as a unit unless something went dramatically wrong. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    911 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    After five years I asked my husband to marry me. And if he wasn’t to let me move on. He proposed a month later 🙂

    i didn’t live with him though and one can become resentful assuming he is on top of things.after five years he is  complacent and unbothered about your relationship status. I’m pretty pretty sure he would not think twice to move I. With you and call you his girlfriend for many years. It’s your life m. You get that ring! Eff his excuses 

    Post # 15
    Member
    95 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    My marriage is thanks to two cross country moves for each other in less than 3 years before we were married. I think mostly that was sheer dumb luck that it worked out so well. It wasn’t easy though. 

    I have no idea if you’ve moved a lot but it’s hard. I think it usually takes at least a year to land on your feet in a new place- build a social circle, know your way around….feel connected. Longer if you don’t like the place. And when one person moves for or to something and the other person comes for them…that can create weird imbalances or pressures. Wanting stability in the face of that isn’t crazy. And planning a wedding together can really cement you as a team. So can planning a cross country move. 

    Also its not really an ultimatum bc you know that he already has said if the job would hurt the two of you being together he wont go. So its not like he’s saying “if you don’t want to move with me I’m going by myself” and you’re saying “I’ll only go if we get engaged”. Its more like he’s saying, “do you want to take this leap with me? or should we stay put?” and you can and I think say “I maybe want to take this moving leap with you, AND I also want to take the marriage leap with you”- because really you want to be engaged whether or not you move, right? 

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