To Surprise or Not

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: When would you tell boyfriend about birthday gift?
    Morning of on the drive to event, SURPRISE : (10 votes)
    18 %
    A week out : (25 votes)
    45 %
    Now : (21 votes)
    38 %
    Other, will explain in comments : (0 votes)
  • Post # 2
    Member
    5455 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    minnewanka :  how badly does he hate surprises? I think I would have a horrible time with someone packing a bag and just driving somewhere.

    But I trust my husband so I probably wouldn’t have much anxiety with him.

    I know you talk about your dream surprise, but my concern is that he doesn’t like surprises

    Post # 4
    Member
    242 posts
    Helper bee

    It depends on what exactly he hates about surprises.

    I legit hate suprises when they have to do with a group of people planning someting without my knowledge or when anyone besides SO, my mom, or my very best friend has control over a situation and I don’t have any information prior (especially if it’s an overnight).

    What you described would be a great experience/surprise for me, but what does your boyfriend usually get anxious about with surprises? Any past experience come to mind?

    Post # 5
    Member
    177 posts
    Blushing bee

    I think you need to tell him.    I hate suprises and would not like this at all.    I would feel out of control and unhappy.     What someone else thinks is nice is my nightmare.    I think he needs time to process the event and get ready mentally and physically for it.    I don’t think people who like suprises realise how stressful it is to those of us who do not.    

     

    My sister is the same way.   On her 30th birthday her husband planned a suprise birthday party (catered, at a hall, friends and family all there)   We told him she would hate it, he said once she was there she would like it.    They yelled suprise, she turned around and walked out the door.    She did not come back and was very upset at the amount of money spent.    Now, some people thought she was a “brat” but I understood.

    Post # 6
    Member
    5455 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    kmjkh :  I was uncomfortable and felt so awkward at my planned bridal shower, I can’t imagine how bad it would have been if it was a surprise. I’m sorry people thought your sister was a brat, I’m glad you know her better than that

    Post # 7
    Member
    338 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    I hate surprises. I am the kind of person who likes to be in control of everything. It would be my personal nightmare if someone planned a trip for me as a surprise. However, seeing how it’s only a short drive, I would give him some info but not all. Tell him that the surprise is something physical, to dress appropriately, etc. If he reacts badly to this then I would just tell him everything. The worst thing you can do IMO is get mad if he isn’t thrilled about it.

    Post # 8
    Member
    4481 posts
    Honey bee

    My SO hates all surprises (not even when I drop off a surprise lunch).  Tell him now if that’s his comfort level.  This gift is about him, not you.  

    Post # 9
    Member
    4060 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Surprising someone who hates surprises is making their gift about what you want. That’s not fair.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2403 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I loathe surprises.  And I agree with other bees, when you insist on a surprise for someone who hates surprises, you’re doing it for you, not them.  

    Tell him now.  Give him the courtesy of having time to process things and mentally prepare.  

    Post # 12
    Member
    177 posts
    Blushing bee

    a suprise gift.  No problem at all for me

    A suprise experience – HUGE problem!

    They are not evenly remotely the same thing in my mind.   Maybe in his it is different.  You know him, I don’t.   However, all of your examples are not anything at all like you are proposing.   Have you ever suprised him with Dinner out, a hotel overnight or an unexpected activity?   These would be equivalent.

       

    Post # 13
    Member
    2488 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I tend to tell people I don’t like surprises, but the truth is that I have liked some surprises, and hated others. I prefer for people not to surprise me because if they’re off, I’m super disappointed and then they’re also bummed that they put time/money/effort into something I didn’t like. My vote is to tell him and let him decide. 

    Also — IMO the fact that you’ve hired a guide means it is not something just the two of you are doing. It’s now something you’re doing with a third party. I’d personally hate that because I can imagine it being pretty awkward to make small talk with a guide all day (that’s like my worst nightmare), even more so if I’d been led to believe it would be a strictly 2 person activity. Would your bf book a privately guided activity normally? If not, I’d make sure that this is something he’d be okay with. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    826 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2019

    I would give him a little bit of information, such as it involves rock climbing, or maybe just that it truly is just the 2 of you and “a guide”. And then ask him if that’s enough or if he needs more. You don’t want him anxious for the next 2 months. I do think there’s a big difference between surprises that involve a lot of people and those that don’t, but as PP noted this is also different than a surprise physical gift. It’s a bit of a grey area so I would just talk to him honestly about what kind of info he needs to feel okay.

    Also, if he’s always wanted to climb this mountain I would definitely tell him at least a week out so he has plenty of time to research and consider routes. It’s probably the type of thing he wants to nerd out on and you don’t want to deprive him of that or limit his time to do so

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