(Closed) To take control or sit back and relax?

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
319 posts
Helper bee

Instead of approaching the subject in a roundabout way by asking about a mortgage lender first, why not just ask him directly if he’s ready to get engaged? Frame it as a question (“Are you ready…”) rather than a suggestion (“I think we should get engaged”).

It sounds like you’ve always been the one to take the initiative to move the relationship forward, so I don’t blame you for wanting him to make a move for once. But if you keep telling him what should happen next, you run the risk of him just going along with your suggestions instead of actively making his own decisions. At this point, he might be so used to you taking the lead that he’s fallen into the habit of just waiting for you to make the next move.

So ask him if he’s ready to get engaged. If he says yes, then you can say “Well then, you should probably make it happen.” And then let him do it. I think that would be a good way of letting him know that you’re NOT going to take the lead on this one and it’s up to him to take action if he wants to marry you.

Post # 3
4002 posts
Honey bee

I don’t think you need to be in control or sit back and relax.  You may need to initiate a conversation, but that doesn’t mean you need to control.

“Hey, we keep talking about wedding details and we’ve already decided to go ring shopping together.  Do you consider us formally engaged since we’ve already started making plans?  How do you envision this happening?  Is a formal or a surprise proposal important to you?”  

Just talk about where you’re both at and how you envision this process happening and take it from there.

Post # 4
787 posts
Busy bee

If this were me, I would draw a cute picture of my SO and I walking into a jewelry store with a ring drawn on the door. 

“I’m ready when you are! <3”

It’s cute, lighthearted, romantic… and it tells him what you’d like to do without you having to plan anything. It puts the ball in his court. 

If you’re not an artist, you can do a variation or make an online comic to print. I love that cheesy stuff. Haha 

Post # 6
547 posts
Busy bee

My fiancé and I spend all day on Saturdays together. That’s “our day”, as we call it. He will usually ask what I want to do, and I’ll throw out suggestions. One Saturday I added “look at rings” to “go get lunch, and maybe see a movie.” He happily took me to look at rings, and we were engaged a month later. I would just casually throw it out there. He may not know you’re ready and is a bit worried you may shut down the idea of being engaged if he brings it up first. If he’s not ready, you’ll know because he’ll probably be hesitant at the suggestion. 

Post # 7
3073 posts
Sugar bee

Can you separate the idea of the house from an engagement? One has nothing to do with the other. Why not be direct and start talking about marriage first? You already have a place to live so I don’t see the house as critical. I do see a formal commitment as necessary for buying a house together, psrticularly since you’ve been pushing this along at every turn. 

Post # 8
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

cypresstree85 :  Yep, be direct in what you are asking for.  If you want kids, your biological window is closing.  You want to know if he wants to get married or should you find someone who will want marriage.  TBH I wouldn’t buy a house w/him until you are married.  Otherwise no motivation to get married on his end.

Post # 9
63 posts
Worker bee

I would hold back a little. I think looking back later on you will feel a lot more comfortable and secure in your marriage long term if he makes some things happen without your prompting. Especially planning the engagement. I wouldn’t think about even looking at houses until he has proposed and you actually decide on a concrete wedding date. Stay where you are living for now. If you don’t mention anything, I am sure at some point he will bring up the engagement or buying a house since you have discussed it somewhat already. 

Post # 10
2481 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

coffeetime2020 :  why would he be “nervous” about saying he wants to get engaged? You already told him you want to be engaged…  That was the whole point of him moving in, he told you he would not get engaged unless he lived with you first!

At this point, no need to be coy, you both have an equal say,  ask him directly if he wants to get officially engaged *now* and plan a wedding.  If he baullks/hems haws/delays/makes excuses then I definitely would not be talking to a realtor, I would be moving him out. 

Post # 13
490 posts
Helper bee

coffeetime2020 :  This all sounds really great. 

I think you are on the right path. He knows your expectations. Maybe wait a month or two and if he hasn’t said anything about ring shopping bring it up again?

Post # 14
2215 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

coffeetime2020 :  Oh that’s a great update. 

I was going to comment and say I think it’s important for women (who even want a traditional surprise proposal) to still be somewhat in the loop and have a general understanding of what/when it’s going to happen. 

Honestly, from everything you’ve said, it sounds like you’re already engaged in the sense of the word. You’re already talking about marriage in depth. You just need a ring and to announce it to family and friends.

Please keep us updated! 

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