Post # 1
So, bees, I need your help. My fiancée and I are eloping to Vanuatu in 2 weeks time. It’s been planned since May and apart from 2 fridns we told last night, no one knows.
We only got engaged in July and even in the past month the harassment from family about wedding plans is getting to us and reminds us that what we’re doing was the best choice. I am getting concerned though that our family will react badly and that our mothers in particular will feel left out of the process. We had originally planned not to tell anyone at all until our return home.
But now we’re thinking of telling my mother and my fiancées parents. This means we need to tell my father too who is not very good with secrets so then we would also have to tell my sister. Then it’s starts to get a little less secret. We were going to email announcements on our return home but are now thinking we email announcements the day we leave so everyone knows beforehand. The main thinking behind telling immediate family is to soften the blow and make them feel more involved. We are having an engagement party on our return that will be changed to a wedding reception.
Any ideas bees? Anyone done this and have any advice or suggestions?? Any help is appreciated!
Post # 3
My family would have been so hurt and confused if I had ever considered doing something like this. While there can be circumstances that warrant what you are doing, if you have to ask, I think you know the answer.
Post # 4
Honestly my family would be so hurt and angry if I did this. If they respond how I think my family would I think it would be better to wait until you get back. They could easily ruin your day.
Post # 5
Tough one. I guess you know best how your family would react. I get quite mad when families shove their oars in… like weddings should be about the couple. I know that isn’t the case, though.. families are jerks about it 🙂
We’re having a small wedding with a few immediate family members and my BFF.. but we’re not telling most people until after it’s done. Just easier that way. They can choose to be mad or to be happy for us.
I feel if you tell your families beforehand, they’ll try to guilt trip you out of it. It sounds like you’ll be nervous about it either way. I probably wouldn’t announce it via email, though. And depending on whether you’re going to publicly display the photos (like on Facebook), you may or may not be able to downplay the event. You could just walk into your parents’ house one day and say “omg, we got married!!!!!!!” vs. them seeing that you planned an elaborate elopement… but I guess only you know what is possible.
Post # 6
It is sometimes easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. Go ahead and do it without telling anyone. Once the deed is done they might feel hurt that they weren’t invited but hopefully they will accept that it has already happened. If they know before they will feel like they have some input and might try to change your plans.
They might have some idea that you are going to elope anyway. Before we announced that we were getting married, we took a vacation to Mexico. My mother told me afterwards that everyone thought we were going to elope then.
ETA: We had a very small wedding and didn’t tell most of my extended family until after the fact. We’ve only received well-wishes and congratulations from the extended family and haven’t heard anything negative about our decision to keep them in the dark until afterwards.
Post # 7
@theycallmemel: How someone can look into the faces of two, happy, newly married, giddy, totally in love people and say “How dare you get married without us there?” really I don’t know what kind of people can do that. Sure, there may be shock or surprise, but to look into the couples’ face when they are just beaming and not be happy for them after the dust has settled. Maybe it’s all in the delivery? But hey that’s just me!
You know your family best. Sometimes it’s better to get the dust settled before you go, sometimes it’s best to do it afterwards. Sounds like they just have to live with it either way you go!
Post # 8
We aren’t planning to tell anyone. We’ve only been engaged for a couple of weeks but when people ask when we’re getting married (because that’s the second question, right? “How did he propose?” then “When is the big day?”) I just say we aren’t sure yet but it will probably be just the two of us. So we’ve kind of set the stage already.
In your case, I wouldn’t tell them beforehand. Like other posters said, you know your family best though!
Post # 9
A poster on here (PacificMrs on another board) said something I thought was great: Everyone is going to react differently. For the most part, the people who REALLY wanted us to get married were happy that we did! But you can’t think about that. Remember that this wedding is about you and your fiance. The people who love you will be happy that you did what you two felt was right. Credit to PacificMrs
I think about this a lot, the people who love me will be happy either way. Weddings are about joy, and love. You made the choice to elope and good for you!!! Don’t tell them until you get back, don’t give them the chance to ruin it or make you feel bad beforehand.
Post # 10
OK, I’ll come right out and say it. If you are 100% determined to do this, at least have the courage to be up front and honest about it. Let them process and make peace with the idea so that it’s not as much of a slap in the face.
Post # 11
@theycallmemel: We eloped and I have no family, but we had told my MIL that we were planning on doing it, but not exactly when so it was still private. Besides her, no one knew any details. I had told my best friend, but that was the extent. The fact of the matter is that your family loves you and wants you to be happy. This is what you guys want, and that’s what matters the most!
Edit: I see StephBee had me covered, LOL!
Post # 12
Thank you very much to those of you who gave helpful responses. It is very much appreciated and has reminded me that it is our day and we’ve planned it exactly how we want it and that’s how it should be.
Feeling a lot lighter already – thank you 🙂