(Closed) to tell.. or to mind your own business?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: To tell... or not to tell..
    I would tell the SO what happened : (8 votes)
    20 %
    I'd stay out of it, it's none of my business : (12 votes)
    30 %
    I don't know : (20 votes)
    50 %
  • Post # 3
    754 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2008

    I voted "I don’t know" because I don’t think I had enough information to make a decision.  I think I would need to be very close to person who was cheated on and know without a shadow of a doubt that the person cheated.

    Post # 4
    5398 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Okay so she propositioned some men, but did anything happen?  I wouldn’t appreciate if my spouse did that, but I’m not sure if some people would define that as cheating.  I didn’t vote because for now I don’t think there is enough info.  Also, the college friend who became upset with you, if they were so worried, why didn’t they just say something instead of making you feel like you have to?

    Post # 5
    2765 posts
    Sugar bee

    If I was close with the guy, I would definitely tell him.  A word of warning though: a lot of people "shoot the messenger" when they deliver news like this.

    If someone told me my wife had acted that way (of course that would never happen), I would be so embarrassed that I would not go out in public for a few years.  So your friend might avoid you if you tell him.  Or he might get angry with you, and not believe you.

    A lot of it depends on the relationship between your husband and his friend.  If it is strong, then it can survive something like this.

    Post # 6
    329 posts
    Helper bee
    • V
    • 11 years ago

    I would do it anonymously! Send a typed letter with the details. If he believes or not…is up to him. Like Mr.Bee said…usually is the messenger that gets shot!

    Post # 7
    5822 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I’ve been in that situation before (not that uncommon that military guys cheat when away from their wives/husbands).  If I know beyond a doubt that it happened, I would tell them.  Whether or not they blame you for it, they should still know the truth.  But you should always confront the cheater first, tell them you plan on telling their SO about their behavior.  This gives them the chance to fess up then you don’t have to get stuck in the middle.

    Post # 8
    2004 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    Personally I would keep my nose out of it. Even when we witness someone behaving badly, we can never know all the details. By tattling in any form (even anonymously) to the husband, you’re working on a few assumptions: 

    • That a crime was actually committed (like Lillindy said, she propositioned but did anything actually happen?)
    • That she is hiding it from her husband (maybe she has already told him…but how can you know this?)
    • That her husband would think that what she did was cheating (people have different lines of what constitutes "cheating," and his opinion might be mitigated by how drunk she was—if it were me, I would be more upset that she got so drunk in the first place than that she did something stupid while drunk)

    So if you’re going to do anything, the first thing you need to do is to talk to the wife about it to get more details. I would approach it from a standpoint of "we’re concerned about your behavior at our wedding" (NOT "we saw you cheating on your husband at our wedding and we’re going to tell him unless you do first"). The first statement is exploratory and doesn’t make judgments or assumptions about what actually happened whereas the second one accuses her of cheating and then blackmails her into fessing up. Then see where she takes it from there. But it is on her to tell her husband, not you. I would need more information on how she responds before I would feel comfortable advocating telling her husband yourselves.

    Post # 9
    1048 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

    Like the others, it’d depend on how close a friend the SO was. Like for example, if I was out one night and I saw my best friend’s hubby making out with some other woman, I’d of course tell her about it. But if it was just an acquaintance (like if the person was in a class of mine or soemthing)… I would probably mind my own business.

    Post # 10
    1078 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2009

    Imagine yourself on the other end of it. If your SigOther was doing this when you were out of sight, Would you want to know?

    My answer would be yes.

    @V: I think you hit the nail on the head. It needs to be done, but you can do it anonymously. It’s definitely an issue that particular couple needs to address.

    Post # 11
    175 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2008

    that’s a tough situation.  I agree it would probably depend on how close I was to each person.  I agree with Miss Pinot Grigio – if this happened to me, I would want someone to tell me.

    Post # 12
    796 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    I’m with Mighty Sapphire – I would confront the cheater/one with the dubious behavior first. This way, it gives them a chance to explain something you might have missed. If I were close to the SO being cheated on I would say: this is your chance to say something to them before I need too. If I wasn’t close to them, I would probably keep it to my self.

    Post # 13
    1238 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2008

    I think it would depend on the circumstances and how well I know the couple before I could make a decision.  It is a touchy subject, and one that I pretty sure I would need to be in before deciding what to do.

    Post # 14
    2004 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    It seems like many others are advocating talking to the husband. Well, before/if you do, please talk to the wife first and give her a chance to explain herself. Miss Pinot Grigio mentioned asking yourself if you would want to know if your S.O. had behaved like that at a party. Say that you would. I think most of us would.

    Well, ask yourself this too: If you behaved badly at a party, would you want someone who witnessed it to tell your husband behind your back or come talk to you about it first? If it was me I would absolutely want someone to come talk about it to me first. 

    And I really do not think an anonymous letter is the way to go. The whole reason for bringing this up is to somehow help their relationship. But why be anonymous? To save yourself from potentially getting hurt in a "shoot the messenger" scenario? If this is what you want to do you have to take that risk.

    Anonymity serves only to save yourself from harm; it does not help the couple. They would be left speculating, who could have sent this letter, which breeds suspicion and deprives you of the opportunity of a real conversation. Your anonymity would undermine the force of your argument. Who would the husband believe? The wife he loves or some random nobody who saw something at a party? But when words come from a friend, in person, in a caring manner—that argument merits attention. And if you go at all (and there are good arguments for not going), first you must go to the wife, and then, perhaps her husband. 

    Post # 15
    12 posts
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I completely agree with chelseamorning. 

    Telling the SO without talking to the offender only gets you one side of the story. It also puts you in the position of being the cheating police. 

    Sending any kind of anonymous letter is juvenile.  If you feel strongly enough about a position to stick your nose in it in the first place, you should have enough courage in your convictions to tell people that’s how you feel.

    The topic ‘to tell.. or to mind your own business?’ is closed to new replies.

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